Therapy for Men
Online counselling for men in Ontario
You’ve been told you don’t share.
You know you don’t talk about your feelings much, if at all.
That’s what you’ve always known though.
It’s not your go-to to tell someone about the overwhelm and stress, or the thing that happened at work.
Your important relationships are asking more from you though.
They want to know what’s going on, and what you are thinking and feeling. You think,
“What am I supposed to say?”
You tend to keep things down, push them away, or distract yourself. Power-through maybe?
Just because we want something to not bother us, doesn’t mean it won’t.
Why men don’t express their feelings.
It is a common belief that men are less emotional.
Did you know though that men and women have similar emotional experiences (1)? Research has shown that the experience of emotion is comparable, but the expression differs.
This means that men are experiencing emotions on the inside, but there are reasons why men may express them less.
Men, think about how your parents and family expressed emotions and shared with each other growing up.
Did they talk to each other about the hard stuff?
Did they admit when they were wrong and take responsibility for it?
Were they able to say “no” or “I don’t like that” without screaming or using disrespectful language?
Did they say one thing but mean something else, like “it’s fine” or “I’m okay”, but really it was not fine or okay?
Expressions of certain emotions are commonly discouraged for men in our society. There is social pressure to “be a man” and “be strong”. Culturally this means don’t show that you are hurt or sad, or need a cry or a hug. It says, “Keep those feelings inside. A leader shows strength, protects, and is there to be leaned on by others.”
These messages are ingrained early on in men’s lives. Boys observe how other men deal with feelings and relationships. Boys are also given explicit messages about how men ‘should’ be, like “boys don’t cry”.
With all that said, your family was doing their best. They were doing what they were taught and so are you. And you can get better at it.
Along with messaging from family, boys receive messages in media, television and in movies about how men “should” act.
Overall men are given different messages than women on what is appropriate and acceptable for expressing themselves and their emotions.
The exception that I have observed is anger. It seems anger is a more socially acceptable emotional expression for men, which is why we might see it more often in men. Men may be channelling all that emotional energy that is not expressed otherwise into anger. Check out my Anger Management Therapy page for more information on anger issues.
So it makes a lot of sense that men hesitate to share difficult thoughts and feelings. Vulnerability is scary and has real consequences for men. Men are protecting themselves from being rejected or dismissed. Additionally, it may no longer seem like an option to express freely about sadness or hurt.
Men may start to automatically suppress difficult emotions by ignoring or pushing them away.
Men may learn to be solely self-reliant when it comes to emotions too. This makes it all the more confusing when your spouse then asks, “Hey, can you be more open and vulnerable?” It is not that simple.
To learn more, check out my blog: Why don’t many men show their emotions?
Why is men’s mental health important?
When men keep things inside, it can lead to feeling disconnected. Men may feel disconnected from their spouse, kids, and their own internal world.
Men can feel disconnected from the pain, emotions, and mental health because they have been taught they shouldn’t be bothered.
Men may feel disconnected from most emotions all together. It can make it harder to connect in their relationships in a deep way and cause those relationships to break down.
When men are disconnected from emotions, their spouse may feel unimportant, like you don’t trust them, or it can trigger insecurities about whether that man is still invested in the relationship or marriage.
When men are given the message by our culture that they must keep things in, swallow it, hide it, or push it away, it only leads to further pain and mental health challenges. When men are disconnected from emotions and ignore what’s happening internally, they end up with more stress and anxiety.
Ignoring your feelings is like if you’ve twisted your ankle and you just keep running the marathon. You’re ignoring the signals your body is giving you.
Men, when you bury pain it doesn’t go away. It seeps out in other ways. It can look like ongoing irritability, or exploding with anger. It can be judging someone else when they are emotional. It can be working way too much. These can all be signs a man’s mental health is unattended to.
This build up of emotion is trying to get out in some way, but when you avoid it, it means you don’t know how to get feelings out purposefully. This means having a plan to get the feelings out in a way that is helpful.
I often see as a therapist for men, men believing that keeping their emotions inside and “sucking it up” is the way to gain control. What happens over time though, is the man having less control. The more you let emotions build up and sweep them under the rug, the more THEY will control YOU.
If we are to look at the numbers here, men’s mental health is concerning. About one million Canadian men suffer from major depression (2) and suicide rates are 3 times higher than women (3). The concerning numbers become more concerning for those in certain groups. Suicide rates are far greater for First Nations and Inuit men (4), and gay men experience certain mood disorders and substance use issues at much higher rates (5). We also see higher rates of substance use disorders for men (6), which we all know is deeply connected to emotional and mental health challenges.
Look, barriers to men improving their mental health are real. Learn more about why our simplistic advice is not enough in this blog post: Why telling men to “express their feelings” is not enough.
Signs a man might be struggling with mental health:
Change of personality; Not acting like themselves
Mood swings, like anger and irritability
Small things become difficult to manage
Neglecting basic care, like sleep, hygiene, and eating too much or too little
Retreating from relationships, social activity, or things they once enjoyed
Alcohol or drug use
More risky behaviours
These are just some of the ways that mental health struggles might show up for men.
If in Ontario, book a consultation call to get started with online therapy for men.
Why is it hard for men to go to therapy?
It’s not a secret that men also struggle with mental health and relationship challenges. For some reason though, men are less likely to seek support. This could be because masculinity’s message is strength. Men can be led to believe that not showing your emotions despite being in pain is expected and that showing feeling is weak.
For men there can be a lot of fear in letting others know you are struggling, like you are being exposed in some way. This can feel like shame, meaning there is something inherently wrong with you, rather than you are just a human with hurdles like all of us.
As a therapist for men, some of the barriers I see for men talking about their mental health are:
Urge to be independent.
There’s a want to only rely on yourself. Unfortunately, that is not always possible. Some problems are better fixed with an outside perspective or care. Let’s be real, it can be lonely trying to do it all on your own.
No emotional safety
Sometimes men feel they cannot talk to their spouse or friends. It is uncomfortable to talk about personal stuff with someone else. It could be that talking openly and honestly for the man has not led to good results in the past. Therapy is a way to practise this.
You want to “keep the peace”
Men may have learned that talking about difficult things = conflict, and that is uncomfortable. Now you don’t know for sure talking will end in conflict, but you know that conflict usually makes you shut down or get angry. Unfortunately, avoiding means nothing gets addressed.
Not wanting to be a burden
Men have learned that talking about difficult things is inconvenient for others. Men have learned that divulging their feelings is putting a weight on someone else. This is not always the case. Yes, sometimes your spouse for example is overwhelmed with their own stuff, but generally the people that love you want to hear what you have to say.
Want to avoid feeling weak
We will all have moments of weakness. This is because life throws things your way and it always will. Men, you can’t hold a car above your head and expect not to get tired. Embrace the emotional fatigue and learn how to work through it.
To read more, check out my blog: Why don’t men talk about their mental health. and Why do I suffer in silence?
Why would a man go to therapy?
Men cannot bottle everything up and maintain a thriving career and happy relationships. That is what you know though.
Men, your spouse and kids want you to be present and not irritable. They want a close relationship where they can turn to you without walking on eggshells or worrying they might be ‘too much’ for you.
Also, how you are feeling on the inside and how you deal with others emotions gets in the way of how you want your life to be. Therapy for men is a place to work through the things that are stopping you from doing that. I hope we can start to think of therapy as just like other health activities like exercise or going to the doctor.
Of course people go to therapy for many different things. In the past it was more for severe issues like mental illness for example. Nowadays there are a wide-range of reasons men come to therapy to see a therapist like me.
As a therapist for men, some of the issues I see men coming to therapy for are:
Mood challenges
Anger and irritability
Depression or low mood
Stress management
Relationship struggles
Parenting
Feeling connected to or conflict with spouse
Break-up or divorce
Alcohol or substance use
Big life changes
Job loss
New dad
Retirement
Self-esteem
Highly critical of self
Not feeling confident
To read more, check out my blog: Why should men go to therapy?
How can therapy for men help?
Therapy for men can help you get clear on what your internal world is telling you.
We can’t express how we feel or talk about an experience authentically if we don’t know what’s happening internally. What’s the signs, signals, and patterns?
Think about feelings as a compass. Your body is trying to tell you something, give you information. Sometimes we weren’t given the emotional education we needed so we can’t process what the information is that it’s trying to tell us.
Therapy for men can help you feel more comfortable communicating and sharing in your relationships.
You get to say how much you share and with whom. This is important: We don’t have to share everything with everyone. I am not trying to turn you into someone else. You can be private, have your own private thoughts and feelings. This is about getting comfortable sharing when it’s a benefit to you and your relationships.
A benefit would be when you don’t like something for example. If you feel hurt, or you or your spouse has a concern, you should be able to talk about it without shutting down or exploding with anger. Conflict does not have to be so scary. You can learn to work through it and come out the other side with a better relationship and relief within yourself.
Therapy for men can help you understand yourself better.
You likely have thoughts running through your head that don’t get attention. It’s all connected and comes from somewhere.
If you’re feeling a certain way and then have a thought after, that’s unique to you and gives us a lot of info. For example:
Your spouse says: “Can you walk the dog?”
You feel offended, and think, “Do they not know I know the dog needs to be walked!?”
This is a response unique to you (even if other people would respond this way).
It may tell us that you feel self-conscious about whether you’re enough and want others to recognize your contribution.
So when more is asked of you, you take that as a sign you haven’t been seen.
In therapy, you can get to know your sensitive spots, so when you feel yourself getting heated, you can think, “Oh, I know what this is.”
Therapy for men can help you navigate what to do with those thoughts and feelings.
You feel stressed and overwhelmed, now what? That’s where we identify what the options are.
Is your situation causing stress something that can be changed or adjusted?
Can things in your world be adjusted to be preventative of this feeling?
Or do you need to find ways to calm your overwhelm when it happens?
Therapy for men will help you know what your limit is.
It’s okay to have a capacity. Walking away or taking space has a place. Some people can talk and talk, or sit in the conflict until it’s resolved. Not everyone is built this way though.
You’re trying to get better at this stuff, not turn into a new person. You might get better at being able to talk about an experience with someone without anxiety, then feel a little talked out or tired, that’s okay.
You might learn to navigate conflict conversations, but feel yourself getting very heated and need to step away, that’s okay. It’s about learning to come back after you’ve cooled.
Whether in Thunder Bay or elsewhere in Ontario, men can get started with online therapy with a free consultation call.
Why would I talk about my feelings?
Relief.
Saying how you feel out loud does not mean everything is solved, but saying how you feel can make the feeling less intense.
Validation.
Having someone understand us and respond empathetically can feel validating. Often when we are prone to not talking about our feelings it is because we believe our feelings are not valid or worthy of being acknowledged.
Better Relationships.
Not sharing how you feel, like when you feel hurt or don’t like something, can make relationships feel surface level.
Also, if we are not sharing honest thoughts and feelings, how can we effectively problem-solve with our spouse or family? Men can think that avoiding talking leaves things calm, but in the long run those difficult feelings catch up to you and them.
Importantly, sharing and communicating makes your relationship collaborative. If you get better at navigating your inner world and working WITH your spouse, you can have a stronger relationship.
Better Health.
Did you know that there is evidence that keeping all your emotions in is bad for your health? Not feeling and processing our emotions can be really stressful on our bodies. This can cause physical and mental health issues in the long term.
Check out my blog: Is it bad not to talk about your feelings?
Should a male get a male therapist?
Whether men should be seeing another man for counselling or psychotherapy is a hot debate. Some people have strong opinions that a man should see a male therapist.
The research tells us something interesting though:
There are men who prefer to see a woman therapist
There are men who prefer to see a man therapist
There are men who have no preference
So if men have a preference or not, should we still advise them to seek one or the other? Does having a man or a woman therapist make a difference for men’s success in therapy?
What the research has told us is that preference is what matters. Men feel emasculated and less satisfied with their therapy experience when they see a therapist of a different gender than what they preferred.
Read more about this, including 5 questions to help you determine if you would prefer a male or female therapist, check out this guest blog: Should a Man See a Male Counselor?
Tips for men going to therapy
Keep an open mind
Therapy might be a new experience for you, but many men before you have done and walked away with greater confidence.
Being open-minded about therapy doesn’t mean you have to share everything right away. You can take your time.
Be willing to participate in the process and try on new perspectives.
Commit
Have therapy be a regular part of your life until you don’t need it anymore. Coming sporadically is going to yield less helpful results.
Have some goals you want to work on. It can be as simple as: “I want to deal with anger better” or “I want to be a better spouse or husband.”
Reflect about what you talk about in therapy, be curious about yourself, and bring topics that you think would be helpful to talk about.
To read more, check out the blog: Tips for men going to therapy and Q&A: Starting therapy for the first time.
Is Therapy for men right for you?
Here are some signs you may benefit from seeing a men’s therapist in Ontario:
You want to be a better spouse, husband, and/or father. You want to do it differently from the generation before.
You are having difficulty managing the stress that is going on in your life. You don’t know what to do and turning to others is not working.
You or others are concerned about your mood, anger, and irritability. You want help to manage before things get worse.
You can see how getting to know yourself better and improving your emotional health would be a benefit to your life overall.
Something has happened that you need to work through, like relationship conflict or major life change, and therapy seems like a good option to try to work that out.
You are a man in Ontario willing to do therapy on a secure online platform.
Ready to get started with online therapy for men in Ontario?
It’s important for men to have an outlet for their struggles.
They deserve (and their loved ones) to feel connected and have fulfilling relationships.
Therapy for men can help men take charge of their life.
Men can learn to lean on your spouse by telling them your stressors or show them how much they mean to them.
Men can talk to their kids about what’s going on with them and have the tools to manage discomfort and validate their emotions rather than shutting it down.
Learning to manage feelings helps men not have to lock themselves away or numb so they have to forget all the time.
Men can better understand their emotions and manage them to feel content again.
Get started with online therapy for men.
Fischer, A. H., & Manstead, A. S. R. (2000). Gender and Emotion in the United States: Do Men and Women Differ in Self‐Reports of Feelings and Expressive Behavior?1 | American Journal of Sociology: Vol 109, No 5 (uchicago.edu)
Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre. (2016, December 01). We Should Be Talking About Men's Mental Health. Retrieved August 21, 2018, from https://health.sunnybrook.ca/men/mental-health-depression-men/
Navaneelan, T. (2017) Health at a Glance. Suicide rates an overview. Retrieved February 2, 2024, from https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/82-624-x/2012001/article/11696-eng.htm
Kumar, M.B. & Tjepkema, M. (2019). Suicide among First Nations people, Métis and Inuit (2011-2016): Findings from the 2011 Canadian Census Health and Environment Cohort (CanCHEC). Retrieved February 2, 2014 from https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/99-011-x/99-011-x2019001-eng.htm
CMHA. (n.d.). Policy Papers on Equity. Retrieved February 2, 2024, from https://ontario.cmha.ca/documents/lesbian-gay-bisexual-trans-queer-identified-people-and-mental-health/
Ali, J., Janz, T., & Pearson C. (2015). Health at a Glance. Mental health and substance use disorders in Canada. Retreived February 2, 2024 from https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/82-624-x/2013001/article/11855-eng.htm
Blog
Everyone seems to be experiencing increased loneliness in the last few years, there's no doubt. I am going to speak about the specific experiences of men’s loneliness here though because this seems to be unique and vast.