Low Self-Esteem in Men: 5 Tips to combat it.
Low self esteem means you lack confidence that who you are and what you do is good enough. Men who suffer with low self esteem may feel incompetent and inadequate in their relationships and daily lives. As a therapist for men, I want to provide men with the tools to start to combat this.
Before I do, I will give you some signs of what low self-esteem looks like for men:
Self-deprecating humour
Fixating on or conflating importance of physical appearance
Critical of self and others
False confidence through being the loudest and centre of attention
People-pleasing by ignoring your own feelings, wants, and needs in service of theirs
Jealousy or envy, like looking to what others have and being possessive in relationships
Difficulty receiving feedback
Even when you receive validation, it is never enough
Unwarranted competitiveness
#1 Acknowledge insecurities.
If you pretend like everything is okay and try to hide from the fact that your self esteem is not where you want it to be, then nothing will ever change. This is a common coping or protective behaviour I see in men. Men may hide their true feelings so fiercely that it makes it hard to even acknowledge painful feelings and thoughts to themselves.
Try to practice allowing the feeling of low-self-esteem or inadequacy to exist, rather than immediately pushing it away. What helps get you through tough feelings is sitting with it and acknowledging it, not pretending or hiding.
Acknowledgement is the first step in tackling any changes you want to make. It’s strategic. It’s looking at the facts of the situation so you can know how to move forward and make changes.
So men, ask yourself:
When do I feel most incompetent or inadequate?
What do I often criticize myself about?
What do I fear people would see if they saw the REAL me?
#2 Prove it wrong.
What can happen when you struggle with low self esteem is tunnel vision or rigid thinking. Men, you may easily tap into those critical thoughts and beliefs about yourself, while summoning the positive thoughts feels like more effort.
This is a common struggle for men with low self esteem. Part of this might be a lack of practice. If the experiences in our lives have been motivation through criticism, like a parent or a coach, we may learn that that’s how you elicit change in your life, rather than motivation through empowerment.
So men, it’s time to practice. I bet you can come up with a list of things you don’t do well or do wrong or are not up to snuff. This exercise is that, but reversed.
Make a list of:
What you are doing right.
What you like about yourself.
The body part you are most confident in.
An accomplishment you are proud of.
What personality trait would feel the best to get a compliment about.
Your best quality as a partner, a friend, a dad.
If this list is difficult, remember its practice. I bet you've started a new skill, hobby, or job that you were not so great at in the beginning. This is the same. List as much as you can and come back to it another day.
Another tip to get this list going is to ask others. Yes, it can take bravery to ask others what they like about you or what you do well, but they’ve stuck around for a reason and I bet they have good insight.
#3 Prioritize relationships.
What does relationships have to do with self-esteem? What I have seen with men in relationships is a difficulty being vulnerable about their feelings, attending to their partners needs, and developing deep close connections. Men who experience this can fall into a sense of loneliness. It is having relationships, but feeling disconnected.
When men have deep relationships with others, they will feel seen, heard, and understood. Of course, this requires men to be open to sharing and having partners ready to receive that.
Prioritizing healthy relationships can create a felt sense of security that feels less like you’re alone and unloved.
Good relationships can increase self-esteem, even if they are not long lasting. Having the experience of a healthy partnership can be a corrective experience. It counteracts those negative things you believe about yourself; it’s combatting your low self esteem.
#4 Take a values inventory.
Take a look at whether you are living a life aligned with your values. Often what I see in therapy for men is when men behave in a way that doesn’t fit with what they believe to be important, causing an immense amount of shame. Sometimes they might not know what those values even are and feel lost or stuck instead.
A values inventory is identifying what is important to you, not what others may think is important.
When you identify your values and are able to make decisions that align with them you can be proud. When you have a purposeful approach to who you want to be and what you want to do, you’re not wandering anymore. You have a roadmap that you can look back on when you start to feel lost again.
There are many lists out there on Google, but here are some examples of values that may help grow your self esteem:
Forgiveness
Patience
Trust
Courage
Wisdom
Self-respect
Environment
Family
Ambition
Community
Kindness
Teamwork
Equality
Growth
Humility
The values inventory helps you take actions in your life that you can take pride in. Slowly you’ll reinforce how valuable, worthy, and capable you are.
#5 Acceptance
Self-improvement is a key experience in our lives. There is always room for improvement, which can improve our self esteem. However, there has to also be acceptance. This is because you can’t always be looking to the future to feel joy, but also because there may be pieces of yourself that you cannot change.
Consider that who you are, what you do, and what you look like might be enough, even if there’s room for growth. Learn to show yourself compassion for who you are right at this moment.
Accept that not everyone will like you, there will always be someone with more, others who are better looking or have more money, or that the past cannot be changed.
Accept that you may not like everything, but it is what it is. Don’t allow expectations that are not able to be grasped in this moment to steal possibility for good feelings.
Consider Therapy
Finally, know that stuff takes time. Psychotherapy or counselling can be a great way to get support when wanting to improve your self-esteem. A therapist can help you see your patterns, behaviours, and feelings from another perspective, and help you build skills.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
