Why men don’t talk about their mental health.

Men struggling with their mental health and not telling anyone is a hot topic FOR GOOD REASON. Men struggling with mental health or painful emotions entirely on their own can and have led to fatal consequences. Let’s explore some reasons why men don’t talk about their mental health to get a better understanding. 

Leave a comment below for what you think the barrier is for men talking about their mental health.

“Talking about mental health as a man feels embarrassing.”

When men talk about their mental health or painful emotions, they may experience the feeling of embarrassment. Men may feel as if they have just revealed a piece of themselves that smudges the image of the stoic man they try to uphold.

Men may feel like they are allowing others to see the cracks in the building.

Thinking about letting others see this part that is struggling with mental health may create fear: fear that others will see them differently, like they are less than a man or weak.

“When it comes to my mental health, I have no one to talk to.”

Isolation and independence.

Being independent or not needing anyone is something that is commonly encouraged for men. On the surface it sounds good to be a self-reliant man. Unfortunately, too much of this means men’s relationships are not prioritized, relationships are surface-level, or relationships of importance don’t exist.

Some people may ask why it is a problem that you don’t have close relationships. The problem is men are humans and humans are relational creatures.

Having social connection is beneficial to your mental health, and men are included in that.

Actually, a common reason for men to struggle with mental health is the feeling of loneliness, which is a symptom of depression. Loneliness can exist when we don’t have relationships or community. Loneliness can also exist for men when they have these relationships but there is a disconnect, like when the relationship is surface-level.

Emotional safety

Another reason men may feel they have no one to talk to about their mental health is because they don’t feel safe talking about their mental health with others.

The man may not have people in their life that receive their mental health struggle with empathy and support, even if they feel close to and feel love for those people.

Men may struggle with believing it is okay to be emotional and struggle with mental health, but let’s be real: everyone else struggles with this belief too.

Those of us who are not men may also hold unhelpful beliefs about gender, like men shouldn't cry or experience sadness outwardly.

Those of us who are in relationship with men, whether romantically, friendly, or family, need to practise restrained judgement for those men who are struggling with their mental health.

Men have emotions and struggle like anyone else.

If we are to encourage talking and openness about mental health, we need to check our own discomfort and allow their vulnerability to be received with warmth and encouragement.

“If I am struggling, I will be a burden.”

Men may not want to talk about mental health because they don’t want to feel like a burden to others. Men may have learned that getting emotional or struggling with their mental health is an inconvenience for others. 

Men may have grown up being criticised when they tried to open up about emotions.

This may have looked like dismissal: “You’re fine”, or minimising: “It’s not that bad” or something about being a girl (which is a whole other topic to unpack).

Along with not wanting to be judged or to inconvenience others with their mental health struggle, men may also learn to minimise and dismiss their emotions too.

Men may say to themselves:

“It’s not a big deal”

“I’ll just let it go”

“Get over it”

“I shouldn't be upset over that” or

“I don’t care”.

“Struggling with mental health means I am weak.”

Men commonly are socialised in a certain way in western culture. Part of this is to be strong and not weak.

For men, strength means to show composure, despite what is going on inside.

So when a man is struggling with his mental health, which he naturally will perceive as a risk of exposing weakness or a break in his composure, he feels shame.

A man may feel this shame because he sees himself not living up to societal or cultural standards.

Everyone wants to be accepted and belong. Not being what a man is “supposed to be” threatens this.

In reality though, pretending not to struggle makes you more “weak” because you're not attending to it.

Just like a physical injury, pretending your emotional injury is not there or hoping it goes away only works for so long before you’re in a major crisis.

“I deal with things on my own, mental health is no different.”

Another societal or cultural standard for men is that suffering is an individual endeavour that requires perseverance, rather than support, nurture, empathy, and rest. This is in the category of “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps”.

What the idea of unnecessary perseverance causes is unnecessary struggle with mental health that can have long-lasting consequences, including death.

Many men struggling with their mental health take their own lives because they feel they have to push through and if they can’t then that’s their failure.

As a society we have conditioned men to believe when struggling with mental health, that reaching out for emotional support and the much needed nurture, empathy, and rest, is not an option.

We have taught men that upholding a certain image of what it means to be a man is more important or that we won’t accept them otherwise.

Men, when it comes to your mental health, listen up:

Talking about your emotions and mental health does not mean you are weak.

Strength means you have the courage to face something difficult (like an emotional injury), head-on.

Strength is saying I am not going to break my back so I can push this boulder up a hill, because for what? No, I am going to ask a buddy for a hand so we can all walk out of here in one piece.

If anything, avoiding your struggle is weak.

Face it and turn to others. And if someone perceives you as anything but courageous and strong, then they don’t get it and they don’t have to. Maybe one day when they inevitably struggle they’ll see.

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.