Tips for men going to therapy.
Whether you’re a man who has been to therapy before or you are thinking about going for the first time, it can be confusing to know what to expect. As a therapist for men, here are a few tips I want every man to know before they begin.
Therapy isn’t just for severe mental illness or childhood trauma.
If you are coming to therapy for severe mental illness or childhood trauma that is great too, but please know it is for so much more.
Luckily the psychotherapy world has expanded and it’s becoming more normal to seek support through therapy for many of life’s struggles.
Men, you can find help in therapy for struggles like:
Managing emotions (ex. Anger , sadness, resentment)
Relationship difficulties (ex. Conflict with a partner, dating, parenting)
Grief or loss (ex. A loved one, pet, or even a job)
Big life changes (ex. Retirement, break-up/divorce, empty-nesting, new dad)
Stress (ex. Feeling overwhelmed by work, parenting, finances, physical health)
Substance use or other addiction (ex. Drinking too much, consumed with video games)
Low self-esteem (ie. No longer feel confident day-to-day, highly critical of yourself)
Etc. Etc.
You may be able to identify the problem that you are struggling with (like above), but even if you are unsure what is wrong, therapy is a good option to sort it out. Sometimes we just feel “stuck” or “lost” and can’t pinpoint why.
Find YOUR therapist.
What do I mean by YOUR therapist? I mean, the relationship you have with the therapist is very important.
You have to work well with the person you choose.
The therapist that might be a fit for me, might not jive with you, your personality, or their approach to therapy.
Therapists come from different backgrounds in many ways: personal life experiences, education and licensure, and modality training.
Modalities are the approaches the therapist uses to practice that is backed by a theory and model (ex. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Narrative Therapy, Emotion-Focused Therapy, Psychodynamic, Play Therapy, Internal Family Systems Therapy, Solution-Focused Therapy etc.).
Which modality or approach may not be an important factor for you when choosing a therapist. This is because you probably are not sure what they mean! Understandably. The important part is that if you don't like the approach your therapist is using in therapy, just know that there are many diverse types of therapists and approaches.
You may see therapists specializing in certain areas too. For example, I specialize in therapy for men who have difficulty managing emotions without shutting down or exploding with anger, which causes issues in their relationships. If you are looking for someone to help with your marriage though you might search for “couples counselling,” or for help with drinking you might search for “alcohol counsellor” or “addiction therapy”.
This is helpful for if you want to see someone with experience working specifically with the issue you are coming to therapy for.
This is why many people will consult with a few therapists when looking for a therapist. Many therapists will have free consultations for this purpose, so you can ask some questions and test out the waters. If you get a few sessions in and realize it’s not a fit then, that is okay too. Please know that therapists understand this and can help you search for a better fit if you choose.
Read the paperwork.
This might seem obvious, but too often people breeze through the very important details of paperwork.
Men, I want you to read your service agreement or intake paperwork (the titles of documents might vary therapist to therapist) carefully so in the event something happens, like a breach of confidentiality or a missed appointment, you know what the expectations are of you and your therapist.
An important section in the paperwork you’ll want to note is the confidentiality part. Psychotherapy is confidential, BUT there are exceptions. This means, there are certain times when a therapist may have to provide your information to an outside party. This varies depending on where you live (province, state, country); common exceptions though are when a child is in danger, you are a serious threat to harm yourself, or if there is a court order. Again, read it over so you know exactly when these times will be, so you are not surprised.
Another important section is fees, cancellations, and rescheduling policies. All of these areas vary from therapist to therapist. Know what you’re paying, when you are allowed to cancel, and if there are cancellation fees.
Keep an open mind.
Men, if you are going to therapy for the first time, it can be really f**king scary. Even when I explain to men seeking therapy what therapy is about and how I approach it, I know that they just have to experience it to fully understand how it functions.
This is me encouraging you to take the plunge.
Jump in, try it out.
This doesn't mean you have to go to the first appointment and share EVERYTHING. You can have your boundaries and limits. I often tell men that “you don't have to share anything you don't want to” because it is just not helpful to push someone too hard.
Being open-minded is more about being willing to participate in the process and try some new things.
Focus on you.
One trap that men can fall into in therapy is losing focus on themselves. You might want to talk about all the stressful things in your life, like your marriage or partner, job, parenting, or just all the other things pissing you off. This can feel really good to get off your chest. It can’t stop there though.
Men, in therapy, you have to shift to looking at you. This means looking at how YOU see the world, unhelpful thoughts, and painful feelings. Understanding yourself better can then help you understand there are ways for you to adjust to all the stressful things outside of yourself.
Find the parts of your situation that you can take responsibility for.
Focusing on you is more empowering at the end of the day. If you wait around for everyone else to change, it might make you feel worse.
Commit to therapy.
If you’re going to take the plunge to do therapy, then jump in! Find a time that works for you and schedule it in, meaning every Tuesday at 2 or every second Thursday at 10. Have this be a regular part of your life until you feel like you don’t need it anymore. Don’t do an appointment and wait 4 weeks then wait again until you feel like your schedule opens up.
You have to commit to going regularly to see progress.
Commitment to therapy also means committing to do the work.
It is a misconception that the therapists’ job is to tell you what to do or make the changes for you. Therapy is collaborative. Your therapist is helping you help yourself. This is because you are not meant to become reliant on your therapist.
Therapists want you to walk away from therapy feeling confident to manage your struggles on your own.
This means doing the leg work in therapy. This might look like:
Having questions or topics ready for your sessions
Thinking about goals
Reflecting after each session
Journaling about what you are learning and experiencing
Being curious about yourself and your behaviour
Another important part of committing to therapy is communication and honesty.
If something isn’t working in therapy or you don’t understand, let your therapist know. This might look like:
Let them know about an area you want to explore further
Identifying a strategy that didn’t work for you
You feel like they’re pushing you too hard or not enough
Telling them they misunderstood what you said, then clarifying
Do you have tips for men going to therapy?
The tips I have provided for men going to therapy are ones I would want any of the men I work with to know before attending. You might have a different experience though, and see that I am missing something here. Is there:
Something you wish you knew before going to therapy for the first time as a man?
Something a man close to you did not understand before going to therapy, and it ruined their experience?
Something as a fellow therapist or helping professional you wish men understood before going to therapy so their experience could be that much better?
If so, please comment with your tips for men going to therapy below!
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
