Why am I so irritable?
I think we can all relate to being irritable at times. It happens. What happens when irritability starts to disrupt your life though? A common example is that others begin to feel like they are “walking on eggshells” around you because of your irritability. That persistent feeling of irritability and its effects on you and others is something that can use some clarification. Let’s explore what irritability actually means and identify ways to see it differently that will be helpful in knowing how to move forward.
What is irritability?
Words I use to describe irritability are:
“easily annoyed”
“sensitive”
“testy”
“on the cusp of anger”.
My favourite phrase to describe irritability though is “reaching your emotional capacity”.
Emotional capacity is in other words, your emotional bandwidth or ability to tolerate. Irritability means you are at your limit of what you can tolerate emotionally and your body is signalling its limit. This perfectly aligns with the feeling of being “on edge”.
What causes you to be irritable?
There are many things that can get you to reach your limit and cause you to show up as irritable.
Some examples:
Overstimulation
Work/Life balance
Anxiety
Childhood trauma
Pre/post-partum
Caregiving
Racism
Life transition ie. retirement
Hunger
Grief
Relationship problems
Depression
Sexism
Mental Illness
Hormonal issues
Job loss
PTSD
Physical illness
Poor sleep
Financial strain
Ableism
Dehydration
Loneliness
Stress
Recent trauma
Sexism
Attending school
This list is not exhaustive. These are all examples of experiences that will take an emotional toll on you, no matter if you are the master of emotions or seasoned pro at emotion regulation techniques.
These are impactful experiences that require our emotional energy to manage.
So when we add anything else that requires emotional engagement ON TOP of the many experiences that are already going on in our lives, our body signals its limit. That is where we see the irritability. Your body is saying no.
How to understand your irritable mood better:
Our capacity fluctuates
There will be times in your life where capacity is limited and you will feel more irritable. Like in the examples above, you may have a newborn baby or are having physical health issues or grieving a loss, and you will have a persistent drain on your emotional capacity that will leave you feeling more irritable than at other times in your life.
Honour what your body is telling you. Your emotional capacity is not a deficiency.
Irritability is your mind and body signalling its boundary because its energy is going to other things (really valid and important things I am guessing).
Along with past and current experiences that are causing emotional drain and irritability, there can be certain situational causes too. Think about situations where you walk in and feel your prickly side emerge aka irritability. Possible examples are family gatherings, doctors office, or work. These are important to identify as sensitive spots that trigger irritability because then we know and can tell ourselves:
“My emotional capacity when I go to a family dinner is limited. I will get irritable. I need to have a plan to exit a conversation, task, or the event entirely when I reach that limit.”
Your capacity differs from other people
When, where, how, and why you get irritable is going to differ from other people. I may be very irritable when I go through a big life transition, while someone else has a different tolerance and can manage it with ease.
There are so many reasons why those irritable tendencies differ.
The simple explanation is that we all come from different upbringings, families, schools, cultures, communities, and have so many different life experiences that will change the way we react to certain things. Even siblings who grow up in the same household can have drastically different life experiences for example.
Stop comparing.
“Well they can handle this…”
“Why am I so sensitive to…”
Your life experience and current situation is different.
Maybe you think the things going on in your life are not big enough or worthy enough in others eyes to be really emotionally draining. It doesn't matter. If you are showing up as irritable, it means whatever is going on with you is causing enough drain that you have reached your limit. So I don’t care if you are depressed, or a parent, or your childhood was a long time ago, everyone experiences things differently and will have different capacities.
Irritability tip
Take care of your baseline aka your basic needs. This means:
Rest. Sleep. Eat. Nourish. Hydrate.
The health of your physical body is going to affect how much you can manage and tolerate emotionally. Not caring for yourself can cause irritability.
Now, there are obviously exceptions to this, where some people have physical ailments or disabilities that will always exist. This just means you need to be aware that any physical strain may limit that emotional tolerance.
Remember: your capacity is not someone else’s.
Finally, pay attention to your body. If it’s saying something, get it checked out. Irritability or mood change can be a sign there’s something else going on, like an undiagnosed physical or mental health issue.
Final thoughts on irritability
This article explains why you may be irritable and how to understand it better, with emphasis on everyone having a limit to their emotional capacity. I want to add that this capacity can be improved in many instances. It is why I do therapy and am a fan of it: we may not be able to change some life circumstances ie. what happened in the past or current situations, BUT we can get better at managing emotions and shifting the way we see things. This can increase our capacity to tolerate and limit emotional drain that causes irritability.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
