5 Reasons it is difficult to take responsibility for your actions.
There are many reasons why you may have difficulty taking responsibility for your actions. I can for sure tell you though, having difficulty with taking responsibility is something you learned along the way. Here are 5 common reasons people have difficulty taking responsibility:
Taking responsibility for your actions was never modelled.
Caregivers are the ones we look to the most for modelling behaviour when young.
So think back: Can you remember your parents or caregivers saying “I messed up” “I’m sorry”?
Maybe things were often brushed under the rug and never spoken about? This is where nobody even talks about what happened, let alone taking responsibility for it.
You also could have had responsibility put back on you in situations where it should not have been. This might have looked like:
Caregivers minimizing their behaviour if you voiced they hurt your feelings for example, like you were being too sensitive.
OR having caregivers repeatedly deny responsibility for their actions altogether, like telling you the situation didn't happen like you think it did.
This can lead to you doing the same, which is very annoying when often we think: I don’t want to be that way. It is hard to shake the repeated lessons we learned and absorbed when at a young age because that is when your brain is growing and creating those neural pathways that set the groundwork for life. It’s even more ingrained if you didn’t have others in your life that modelled other behaviour.
2. Taking responsibility for your actions feels bad.
Let’s just admit this one: Taking responsibility for your actions, which are usually actions you’re not proud of, feels bad. Taking responsibility for your actions often involves a negative consequence for your behaviour, like hurting someone else.
OOF. Most people are not looking to make others feel bad. The guilt can be overwhelming.
It may even go as far as shame, where you are questioning your character, like am I a bad person? Am I a bad Parent? Am I a bad partner?
To avoid this awful feeling of taking responsibility for your actions, you choose to protect yourself from the reality you did wrong or that this behaviour is a reflection of your overall character. So you deflect or deny.
It might look like manipulating the other person’s narrative in your favour, so it looks like less or not your fault at all.
3. Difficulty taking responsibility for your actions can be about low self-esteem.
If you struggle with low self-esteem or self-worth, not taking responsibility for your actions is a behaviour you can fall into. This is because you already feel bad about yourself. You already feel shame about who you are.
When you struggle with self-esteem, you may behave in ways that I define as “pretending”. You try to put a certain image of yourself out there to others because you believe the “real” you isn’t good enough and at risk of being rejected by others.
When you mess up, which you inevitably will because you’re human, it threatens to unveil the “mask” you wear. Finding a way to not have to take responsibility for your actions is a way to get yourself out of the situation, to combat the threat.
4. Perfectionism can lead to not taking responsibility for your actions.
Perfectionism is when you have impossibly high standards for yourself. You may think in “black and white”, for example: you succeed or you fail, no in-between.
First off, this is exhausting. Further though, similar to low-self-esteem, the threat is to the image you are used to giving others. In this case, the image you want others to see is perfection.
Deep down you may believe messing up and not being perfect means you are not good enough, unworthy, or unloveable. So of course when you do mess up, which again you inevitably will, you will do whatever it takes to avoid taking responsibility for your actions.
5. You avoid taking responsibility for your actions because you hate confrontation.
Don’t like confrontation? This is so common.
Being in a vulnerable conversation where emotions are high can be uncomfortable. It is even more uncomfortable when you are the one responsible for someone’s hurt and you messed up.
This fear of confrontation and conflict though, may be a response to situations in your past where conflict was handled poorly (or worse).
Think about how confrontation and conflict was handled in your household growing up. Maybe conversations got heated, voices were raised, and nothing got resolved. Witnessing this is scary, so of course you avoid it.
Now, how was conflict handled when you were involved? Were you able to go to your caregivers with a concern, thought, or feeling and it was received well? OR were you always the cause of the problem, too sensitive, exaggerating, or just ignored?
If this was how you saw confrontation or conflict being handled, you naturally will find a way to make these situations go away. You want to keep the peace. You are afraid of the response if you were to take responsibility for your actions.
You may not even know you’re avoiding taking responsibility for your actions.
Sometimes not taking responsibility for your actions is a behaviour you are not aware of. You may have gained the understanding that you suck it up and move on, don't complain. AND everyone else should too. You don’t see how you’ve played a part or that your part even matters. You think: MOVE ON! Get over it.
Sometimes what can happen too, is when you have had poor responses by caregivers, like being blamed or ignored, with your experiences and feelings never being acknowledged, is that it becomes hard to validate others’ pain when your pain has never been validated. Like, “Wait, why am I giving space for their emotional pain if mine has never got to take up space?”
How can I work on taking responsibility for my actions?
One way to get started on taking responsibility for your actions is to ‘play out the tape’. This means imagine what would come next if you were to take responsibility for my actions.
Ask yourself:
If I admitted I messed up, what would happen next?
What would you feel like?
What would your inner dialogue be?
What would it say about you?
How might other people react?
What impact would this have?
By ‘playing out the tape’ you gain understanding of what the fear is. The fear that stops you from taking responsibility.
Would it feel like shame? Failure? embarrassment?
Would your inner dialogue be negative, like now that person knows i'm not worth it,
Would admitting you’re wrong say that you’re weak? A screw-up? Not good enough?
Would other people be mad at you? Would your partner want to leave you?
Would the façade of confidence be chipped away at, where others might see you don't have it all together?
Remember, you can’t make a plan to do better unless you gather the information first to tell you where to go. Start by understanding what the fear is.
Also, these reasons for not taking responsibility for your actions in this article are examples of common reasons, and may not reflect your personal experience. It may be helpful to explore this with a mental health professional.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
