How relationship dynamics affect men’s mental health
We often think about how mental health struggles can impact your romantic relationships, but forget that your relationship can affect your mental health too. As a therapist for men, I hear men talk about how their relationship or marriage is impacting their well-being, but they're not quite sure how, why, or what to do. I want to share with men a few relationship dynamics that may be causing the negative impact on your mental health. This is in the hope that men can better identify it and can have a clearer path on how to move forward in their relationships.
Codependency
Codependency is when you are over-reliant on your spouse and lose independence. Being dependent on your spouse is not a bad thing, but there is a line that can be crossed when it is excessive and unhealthy.
Most often we see one spouse or both reliant on the other for emotional and psychological well-being to the point that they forget where one person ends and the other begins. Your care for them begins to be managing, directing, or controlling them.
Codependency in your relationship might look like:
Always putting the other person’s needs and wants first
Loss of independence to tend to the other person
Taking the blame or apologizing to avoid conflict
Consistently sacrificing your own wants and needs for your spouse
Always needing or looking for approval from them
Taking on more than is humanly possible to ease their burden or again, get approval
Stop doing things for yourself because you feel bad or guilty
You're unaware of your own independent thoughts and emotions because they now just take the shape of what the other person is feeling
Difficulty setting boundaries
For men who are stuck in a co-dependent pattern in their relationship, they may be impacted in numerous ways, like:
Lose your sense of self
If you are consistently prioritizing the needs, desires, and emotions of the other at the expense of your own, that’s not healthy. This imbalance can lead to a loss of self-esteem because you may begin to feel that your worth is only tied to the relationship or the partner's approval. Over time, this can cause you to lose touch with your own identity and sense of self.
Self-confidence takes a hit
Men may see their self-esteem plummet because they are reliant on how the other person feels or interprets them. The other person’s feelings and opinions become more important than their own. When they’re happy, you’re happy; when your is partner is upset, you’re upset. There should always be an independent opinion and your own needs and wants, that you balance with your spouse’s opinion, needs, and wants. Co-dependence is not a balanced relationship dynamic.
Depression or low mood
While on the outside, you may appear to be in a close, interconnected relationship, you can actually feel isolated and emotionally disconnected. The focus on the partner’s needs and emotions can prevent the you from forming meaningful, supportive relationships outside of your relationship or marriage. This isolation, coupled with a sense of unfulfilled emotional needs, can contribute to feelings of depression, loneliness, and hopelessness.
Communication Issues
Poor communication in men’s relationships can greatly affect their mental health.
Some of the poor communication I hear men experience in their relationships are:
Not communicating discontent, or negative feelings or thoughts to not “rock the boat”
Not listening to your spouse when they are communicating something important to them
Avoidance of important issues to you or the relationship
Stonewalling, which means preventing conversation or refusing to engage
Making assumptions about how your spouse thinks or feel
Minimizing or dismissing the other person’s feelings, ideas, or concerns
Men experiencing this type of communication issues in their relationship might see impacts like:
Anxiety or Fear
Communication issues can create discomfort and at its worst: fear. You might be “walking on eggshells” around your spouse because communicating ends in conflict or just feeling bad. This anxiety can become all-consuming, as you might feel uncertain or fearful about the state of the relationship.
Loneliness
You can also end up feeling really low. Being in a relationship where you are experiencing unhealthy communication with your spouse can cause you to feel lonely, and disconnected. Emotional isolation in a relationship can be especially painful because it stems from the idea that you're physically close but emotionally distant. This sense of loneliness, despite being with someone, can lead to depression and a deep sense of yearning for intimacy that is not being fulfilled.
Low Self-Esteem
Your self-esteem can take a hit too. Effective communication helps individuals feel valued and understood in a relationship. When communication is poor, one may feel disregarded or unimportant, which can erode self-esteem. For example, when a partner shuts down, avoids difficult conversations, or dismisses feelings, it sends the message that your thoughts and emotions don't matter. Over time, this can cause a person to internalize these feelings of inadequacy, leading to self-doubt and a diminished sense of self-worth.
Overall Well-being
Also, poor communication is just exhausting and really can impact your overall well-being. Chronic poor communication can affect not only emotional health but also physical health. Studies show that relationships marked by poor communication and ongoing conflict can contribute to higher stress levels, which in turn can weaken the immune system and lead to other physical health problems, such as headaches, stomach issues, or even cardiovascular stress. Mental and physical health are deeply interconnected, and poor communication can negatively affect both.
Lack of Trust
When it comes to building a healthy relationship, one thing is essential: trust. Trust is the cornerstone of any meaningful connection, and without it, relationships can quickly begin to unravel. It influences everything from communication and intimacy to emotional well-being and mental health.
Men, here is what lack of trust might look like in your relationship:
Hiding things to avoid your spouse’s upset
Discomfort talking openly about your needs, fears, or concerns because of past negative responses. This can lead to emotional withdrawal.
Questioning your partner’s motives, actions, or even small things like who they’re texting or where they’re going
Difficulty relying on each other for tasks and responsibilities, or emotional support
You become more distant and don’t talk about important things
Men, here are few ways trust might impact mental health and emotional well-being:
Anxiety
When you can’t trust your partner, you may feel constantly on edge, worrying about what’s happening behind your back or whether your relationship is falling apart. This can create an underlying sense of anxiety that permeates your daily life. An inability to relax in a space that is supposed to be the safest can take a toll as time goes on.
Self Worth
A lack of trust can make you question your own worth. If your partner isn’t reliable or supportive, it’s easy to feel unimportant or inadequate. In turn, this can lead to a decline in self-confidence. What they think of us or how our spouse interacts with us, affects us. We shouldn’t rely on them for our self-esteem, but that does not mean it that the persistent lack of trust you feel won’t slowly chip away at it.
Depression or Low Mood
As well, chronic stress, emotional disconnection, and feelings of betrayal can lead to depression. The constant emotional turmoil in an untrusting relationship can take a toll on your overall well-being, leading to sadness, hopelessness, or even feelings of isolation. Connection and emotional intimacy with our spouse is crucial to feeling stable and content. When we don’t have that, those sad and lonely feelings can lead to some negative thoughts.
Managing Emotions
Importantly, when there’s a lack of trust and open communication, emotions can become bottled up, leading to difficulty in processing or expressing feelings. This emotional suppression can cause problems such as mood swings, irritability, or even outbursts of anger. Over time, it becomes harder to manage emotions effectively, and men may feel overwhelmed by their feelings, leading to a negative on mental health.
Final thoughts:
These are a just a few ways relationship dynamics that I see men struggle with. Remember, it is not just poor mental health that can impact the relationship, the relationship can impact mental health as well. Reach out for support from a trusted friend or family member, or seek professional help through individual or couples therapy.
