Navigating Divorce as a Man: A guide to healing and moving forward.
Divorce is a fork in the road you never thought you would get to. Separation and divorce is the reality though, and you’re seeing the intense emotional, financial, and personal challenges that it can bring. For many men, the process of navigating through a divorce can feel isolating. You might have expectations as a man to keep it together and hold feelings inside, rather than work through them. The road to healing moving forward and healing after divorce however, is about getting support, embracing what you might learn about yourself, and transitioning to the next phase in your life. This guide offers practical advice and emotional insights for men going through divorce.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
It is okay to feel your feelings. Let’s say that again:
IT IS OKAY TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.
Divorce is not just the end of a marriage—it’s the end of a future you thought you would have. It’s normal to experience a range of emotions, including anger, sadness, guilt, fear, and even relief. Unfortunately, many men feel pressured to hide these emotions under the guise of strength or stoicism, but acknowledging what you feel is the first step toward healing.
Here are a few of the common feelings men might be experiencing because of divorce:
Grief
The end of a marriage can feel like the loss of a part of your identity. You may feel like you're grieving a life that could have been. This is normal, and grief isn't something to avoid. Allow yourself to feel the grief for your relationship and what is lost.
Anger
Anger is often a secondary emotion, masking deeper feelings of hurt or fear. So if anger is coming up for you, try to look at where anger is coming from because there may be more to it. Are there unresolved issues that need to be addressed? Seek ways to channel that energy constructively through physical activity, talking with someone you trust, or having a good cry.
Guilt and Regret
You might be feeling responsible for the end of the relationship and blame yourself for the divorce. While it's important to take responsibility for your actions, don’t carry the weight of guilt alone. Acknowledge your role and learn from the experience, but don't let regret overtake you.
2. Get Support
For many men, seeking help is seen as a sign of weakness, but it actually takes a lot of strength to ask for support then tackle your struggle head-on. Professional counseling or psychotherapy is one of the best tools you can use to help you navigate the emotional roller coaster of divorce. By going to see someone like myself, a therapist, you can get the help to understand your emotions, develop coping strategies, and rebuild your sense of self.
If therapy feels too intimidating, consider joining a support group for men. There may even be a support group out there for men going through divorce in your area. These groups provide a safe, non-judgmental space to share your experiences and hear from others who are going through similar situations. Meeting with others can give your validation that your feelings make sense and that you are not alone.
You might also lean on the people around you to talk about the divorce. Know a friend who went through divorce, but you never really talked about it? I bet he would embrace being able to talk to someone who is going through the same thing. Whoever is in your life that you trust, like a family member or other friend, take the leap to talk about the struggle of the break-up. You may hesitate because you think “I don’t want to burden them,” but more often the people that love us already know we’re struggling and would be happy to be a listening ear.
3. Take care of yourself
Divorce often brings with it an overwhelming amount of stress. This can have a negative impact on your physical health and mental clarity. It’s essential to make your well-being a priority during this time.
Here are a few ideas for men prioritizing health post-divorce:
Exercise
Physical activity is a powerful tool for managing stress and anxiety. Whatever your fitness level, movement can help improve your mood and get some of the negative energy out. Physical activity might look like taking the dog for a walk, hitting the gym, stretching, or practicing yoga.
Sleep and Nutrition
Divorce can wreak havoc on your sleep patterns, and poor sleep can compound your emotional and physical distress. Make sure to prioritize restful sleep and maintain regular meals to keep your energy levels up.
Mindfulness and Meditation
Stress-reducing techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing, and meditation can help you stay grounded. If this is not your jam and not already a part of your life, do not worry. I will help you take a small step. Here are two of my favourite introduction to mindfulness exercises:
Choose an everyday activity. For this example, I will use washing the dishes. The idea is to practice staying in the present moment. This means focusing on the act of washing the dishes. Notice the temperature of the water, the sensation of scrubbing, the scent of the soap, the sounds of running water, and the repetitive movements. When your mind lingers to something else, as it inevitably will, bring your attention back to the washing of dishes. Try not to judge how many times your mind lingers because this is like working a new muscle. Being in the present moment takes practice.
Choose a moving object. For this example, I will use passing clouds. Imagine clouds in the sky. They are slowly passing through, as all clouds do. Now imagine that these clouds are your thoughts. Often we get stuck on an idea or thought and tether our minds to it. This is a practice of letting them go like a passing cloud. Like all thoughts and feelings, eventually it will pass. Let it!
Why do these types of mindfulness exercises? These practices can help you feel more in control of your thoughts and feelings post-divorce. They are exercises to show you that you do not have to get caught up in your head, can stay present, can be less distracted, and don’t have to be afraid of the thoughts and feelings that are causing you stress.
4. Embrace the opportunity for personal growth
Divorce can be an opportunity for personal growth. You may not feel this way right now and that is okay. Feel free to skip this one and come back later.
As a therapist specializing in men’s mental health, I have seen men feel like a failure after divorce, then later realize how much they have learned about themselves and start to embrace what new experiences it can bring. You might end up seeing that this chapter of your life doesn’t define you, that it’s a part of your journey.
Here are a few ways men can start to have personal growth post-divorce:
Learn from the Experience
Reflect on the relationship, both the positives and the negatives. What lessons can you take away? How can these lessons help you in future relationships, and in your personal life overall?
Set New Goals
Whether it’s advancing your career, learning a new skill, or starting a new hobby, now is the perfect time to focus on your goals. Channel your energy into positive pursuits that bring you fulfillment and purpose.
Reconnect with Yourself
Use this time to rediscover things that bring you joy. Reconnect with friends, explore activities you enjoy, or focus on self-care. The post-divorce period is an opportunity to regain a sense of independence and rediscover what makes you happy.
5. Co-parenting: Striving for Harmony
If children are involved, co-parenting becomes a crucial aspect and hurdle of life post-divorce. Divorce and co-parenting can be tough if separation was not what you hoped or there are negative feelings about each other. It’s vital to put the well-being of your children first and work toward creating a healthy, supportive environment for them.
Here are some ideas for men striving for healthy co-parenting post-divorce:
Communication
Open, respectful communication with your ex-spouse is essential. Try to keep interactions focused on the children, and avoid bringing emotional baggage into discussions. If you need more closure or help with communication, you might ask your ex-spouse to go to counselling or therapy to do some healing and learning together. As well, you might seek a professional to help you with co-parenting and communicating the barriers you might face to harmony.
Consistency
Children thrive on stability, so maintaining consistency in your routines and approach to parenting is crucial. Work with your ex-spouse to set expectations and rules that both of you can enforce. Find a new normal for routines and parenting transitions if there are separate homes, so the kids can have predictability.
Patience
The transition to co-parenting can be difficult for everyone involved. Give yourself and your children time to adjust. Kids can be resilient and adjust to the new situation, as long as you maintain respect and healthy collaboration with your ex-spouse.
Remember: Your relationships are an opportunity to role-model effective communication, respect, and healthy relationship dynamics to your children. This includes what a healthy break-up looks like. This is what matters most when considering how much of a negative impact it will have on your kids.
6. Don’t rush into another relationship
After a divorce, many men feel the urge to quickly jump into a new relationship to fill the void. However, rushing into another relationship too soon may lead to unresolved issues being carried over into the new connection. Take your time to heal and rediscover who you are as an individual before pursuing a new romantic relationship.
Instead of jumping into a relationship post-divorce, try:
Self-Reflection
Spend time understanding the patterns and behaviors that played a role in the breakdown of your marriage. This self-reflection will not only help you heal but also ensure you are ready for healthier relationships in the future. If you struggle with how to do this, counselling and psychotherapy are a way to have an outside observer make those connections with you.
Enjoy Single Life
Embrace the freedom that comes with being single. Enjoy spending time with friends, pursuing new hobbies, or simply enjoying solitude. You are building the foundation for your next chapter. Needing to fill the void quickly with a new spouse might be a sign that those other areas of your life, like friends or hobbies, are unfulfilled. Try to focus on those areas first. You will be a better partner for it in the future.
Final thoughts on men navigating divorce:
Try to strive for the glass is half full mentality. There is loss, grief, and healing to be done, but divorce can be a new beginning. While the journey may seem daunting at times, it’s important to remember that growth can come from adversity. With time, patience, and the right support, you will emerge stronger, wiser, and ready to embrace new experiences.
For many men, divorce represents a major turning point. It’s not easy to let go of the life you had, but it can be the start of something better. By acknowledging your feelings, getting support, taking care of yourself, and embracing growth, you can transform this challenging experience into an opportunity.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
