Understanding Anger: When it's really about something else
We all know and have experienced anger, but it may not be as straightforward as it seems. It is possible the irritability, frustration, or rage, you feel is just what we see on the surface. There may be something deeper under the surface of anger that could help us understand our anger in a different way. This blog will look at how anger can mask other emotions or needs, which ultimately gives us greater insight into what we are dealing with and better ways to deal with difficult situations that cause our anger and frustration.
Anger: It’s more complicated.
Often I have heard the idea of anger being a result of responding to external events, something outside of ourselves. For instance, we get angry because someone cut us off in traffic or someone was rude. Straightforward, right? Maybe not.
Sometimes anger is a secondary emotional response. This is where that great example of the iceberg comes in. There may have been an emotional response that we are less tuned into, that is the core of our distress. Think about those vulnerable emotions that seem less socially acceptable to feel, like sadness or fear. Then anger is what comes to the surface.
Anger as a defense mechanism.
Anger is a great tool for protection. We can use our anger to show “strength” in moments where really sensitive emotional spots get hit. Feeling rejected or hurt is uncomfortable and vulnerable. Having a feeling of anger can lessen that vulnerable and unsafe feeling, almost like we are trying to get control back.
We can choose to tune into the anger instead to protect ourselves, especially in moments where we are with others or in places where other feelings are unacceptable.
This may seem appealing in some sense, but what happens over time is those other feelings we are not tuning into stay stagnant and can allow stress to build up.
Anger could be an unmet need.
Another idea to consider is that anger could be an unmet need or desire. Again, this comes back to vulnerability. When we have difficulty communicating about something, like feeling rejected, neglected, or unheard, we may gravitate towards expressing ourselves through anger and frustration.
Anger can be the default to saying the scary thing. We might end up using blaming language or loud voice to get across something like an unmet need or desire. You may want more validation, respect, or closeness in your relationship for example, but all they see and hear is your anger.
Anger and boundaries.
To contextualize the anger more, you might think about how anger can come up when we feel a physical or emotional boundary has been crossed. Someone crosses an invisible line you have created and your instinct is to protect and assert yourself through anger. This makes sense, yet there may be crucial information you are not tuning into. There may also be feelings of being disrespected, misunderstood, or manipulated for example.
These other emotions are important details for understanding why something is so upsetting to us and then be more clear on what to do about it.
When anger is about the past.
Those deeper, more vulnerable feelings we miss when we only tune into anger can give us insight. Those other feelings can tell us a story about what was actually upsetting. Then you might notice there is a pattern.
For example:
I get angry and often what is actually happening is that I feel misunderstood and unheard in my relationship. I see that I often felt this way growing up in my family, and now I notice that I feel this way with my partner. This causes me to be quick to anger and frustration with my partner because these other feelings are unaddressed and longstanding.
Think of it like having broke your ankle in the past. Maybe it healed, but the ankle is still sensitive in certain situations. Feeling misunderstood is that thing for you and compounded by leaving it unresolved in the present. This might make your anger bigger and quicker to show on the surface.
How to know if there is more to your anger.
There are several ways to better tune into whether there is more under the surface of your anger.
Self-reflection.
The first step in understanding that anger might mean something else is self-reflection. Ask yourself:
What is upsetting about this situation?
Can I sense emotions other than anger here?
Are there past unresolved emotions contributing to the intensity of my anger?
After answering, you might find that you actually feel hurt, or fear rejection, or are disappointed for example. If you have trouble identifying an emotion word, try this emotion wheel. An emotion wheel gives us a bigger vocabulary than mad, sad, and happy, which helps get clearer on the feeling.
Journaling your thoughts.
Writing can slow down your thought process and put words to your racing thoughts and ideas. As well, if you look back later with fresh eyes, you might notice a pattern of emotion you hadn’t before.
Mindfulness.
There are so many great resources to search that can help you practice being in the present moment. Mindfulness helps you tune into your physical reactions, thoughts, and feelings, and observe them as objectively as you can. It really helps you slow down and take notice.
What to do with what is under the surface of anger.
If you notice that there are other emotions underneath the surface of anger, you’ve done the first step. Here are some things you might try next:
Acknowledgment
Now that you know there is more emotion than just anger, allow yourself to feel it. That sadness, disappointment, hurt etc. should be acknowledged. “I feel ______ beause______.”
Some people may have difficulty feelings their feelings because of personal history with being allowed to feel, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you can’t readily tap into this.
Communication.
Communicating a vulnerable feeling, rather than anger is easier said than done. If you have a partner or friend you can trust, challenge yourself to say the vulnerable thing. They can’t understand fully and respond in the way you need if you don’t express it.
Pause and slow down.
Just taking a pause before letting your anger carry you away is a game-changer. Slow yourself down and reflect whether you have all the information to make a purposeful response.
Counselling or Psychotherapy.
Getting a non-judgemental, empathetic, outside perspective from a professional is a great option. A professional can help you get clearer on where you might get stuck and how to do differently.
Final Thoughts on Anger
Anger can make us feel protected and more in control in a situation that makes us feel vulnerable. There might be something deeper that we are not tuning into though. Understanding what is under the surface of anger gives you the information you need to help yourself and have better relationships. Emotions are like a compass and a tool for understanding our needs, desires, likes and dislikes. Tuning into the emotions accompanying anger and addressing those root causes can help you better go in the direction you need.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
