Anger in Relationships: 4 steps to expressing anger without hurting your partner
Anger is a natural and unavoidable emotion, but when it arises in a relationship, it can often feel like a force that threatens to damage the bond you share with your partner. The way we handle anger, especially in close relationships, can make a huge difference. Expressing anger constructively can foster understanding, while mishandling it can create conflict and emotional distance.
So, how do you express your anger in a way that doesn’t hurt your partner? Here are some key strategies to consider:
Manage anger before communicating.
When you feel overwhelmed by anger, it is hard to think clearly. It is why looking back at arguments, you might think: “Why did I say that?” or “Why did I do that?” It is because that part of our brain that helps us make more logical decisions is offline. When overwhelmed by anger, you just want to act on it. With anger, this can mean being defensive or attacking.
So it is okay to feel angry, and there is likely a good reason to be angry, but try to find calm first before communicating anger with your partner. As well, they might be able to put their defenses down if you come to them while calm, rather than visibly angry.
For more insight into how to calm down, check out my blog: “How to Calm Down When Already Angry”
2. Get clear on what you’re angry about.
You might have the reason in mind as to why you are angry. Sometimes there is more to the story though. For example,
“I am angry because my spouse did not do the dishes.”
After asking myself, “What is so upsetting about my spouse not doing the dishes?” I might come up with a clearer picture of the cause of my anger, like:
“My spouse not doing the dishes is upsetting because I feel like it puts more stress on me to do more household tasks. I already feel like I can’t keep up, and when they don’t do the dishes I feel taken for granted. I sometimes feel like I’m invisible or I don’t matter.”
Knowing the deeper meaning of why you feel angry helps you communicate with your partner about what the real problem is. The reason for the anger gives them more information about why you may have reacted so strongly initially. This can help them more easily tap into their empathy, rather than defensiveness.
For more anger advice, check out my other blogs: “Understanding Anger: When it’s really about something else” and “Why Do I Get So Mad?” for more insight.
Importantly, if you can’t figure out why that thing made you so angry with your partner, that is okay. Sometimes owning and stating that experience can be helpful for your spouse too. It might sound like:
“I am angry about you not doing the dishes and I am not sure why that makes me so mad.”
3. Communicate anger without attacking or criticizing.
The goal in communicating your anger is to frame your anger in a way that your partner can receive it. You don’t want them to quickly get defensive and shut down. When expressing anger, you want your spouse to hear you and take feedback well.
For your part, try to avoid criticizing, attacking, or sarcasm. Here is what it sounds like to use that unhelpful framing:
“You never do the dishes when it’s your turn.”
“Start pulling your weight.”
“You don’t care about anyone but yourself”
“Oh, I guess you’re just too busy to do the dishes”
“I have to do everything around here”
Instead of letting your anger lead you to communicate in those unhelpful ways, you might try expressing why you are angry starting with “I” statements. For example:
“I felt ________ when _________ because___________.”
“I felt angry when I saw that the dishes weren’t done because I feel like I can’t rely on you.”
Remember to stick to facts when expressing anger also.
Instead of: “I felt angry when you disregarded your responsibilities” (interpretation)
Try: “I felt angry when I saw you didn’t do the dishes.” (facts)
You could further explain how the scenario affects you, while your partner practices active listening (To be discussed in Step 4.) For example:
“I felt angry when I saw that the dishes weren’t done because I feel like I can’t rely on you. When I feel like I can’t rely on you for the dishes, I then feel like I can’t rely on you for other things as well. Then I take on more and stop asking for help. That makes me feel lonely sometimes, like I have to figure everything out on my own.”
4. Resolve and repair anger with your partner.
Part of expressing anger healthily with your partner is having them listen effectively, then listening to them as well. Before you all can problem-solve how to fix things or do things differently, you have to understand where each other is coming from.
Active listening looks like:
Paying attention
Avoiding interruptions
Empathizing or putting yourself in their shoes
Able to summarize what they’ve said
Asking clarifying questions
Non-verbal cues, like nodding or eye contact
Acknowledgment of what was said
After you have expressed your anger and feel understood, it is time to reciprocate the active listening. Having to hear out your partner when you feel like you’re the one who is upset can be challenging though. Remember that your partner may have something to add about the scenario that made you angry, which can give you insight you never had.
Communicating about your upset also is not about “winning” or being “right.”
Ultimately, you want to communicate about a resolution that works for you both. After hearing each other out and feeling understood, you can collaborate on how next time can look different. To start, you might talk about your ideas for solutions, like:
Your spouse doing the dishes more timely
Practicing acceptance when things aren’t done on your timeline
Having a long hug to connect again
Scheduling another time to talk about redistribution of household tasks
Asking for validation and reassurance
Making space for quality time as a couple so disconnection doesn’t affect other day-today things
A heartfelt apology
It might be one or a combination, but the point is there are many ways to find solutions and repair with your spouse after an anger incident.
For more relationship insight, check out these other blogs: “How to Improve Your Long-Term Relationship,” “Resentment in Relationships” and “Managing Anger in Relationships”
Final thoughts on anger in relationships
Anger, when handled healthily, can foster growth and understanding in your relationship. By acknowledging your emotions, expressing them calmly, and listening to your partner’s perspective, you can navigate even the most challenging situations without causing harm. Healthy communication elicits deeper connection and allows both partners to feel seen, heard, and respected.
So, the next time anger arises in your relationship, remember that how you express it can either bring you closer or push you further apart. Choose the path that brings understanding and emotional closeness, and your relationship will become stronger as a result.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
