How to calm down when already angry.

When you’re in the middle of the fire, boiling over with anger, it feels like you are not in control. You can’t think. Before you can think properly again, you have to adopt some skills to find calm. Here are some of my favourite skills from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) to use when you’re already angry and want to calm down:

STOP: These are steps to take to immediately stop whatever your anger is influencing you to do.

Stop

When you feel the strong urge to react on your anger: Don’t. You can’t think straight, so the first thing to do is to do nothing, just stop.

Take a step back

Now that you’ve stopped, it’s time to take a step back. This could mean physically or mentally. When we do this, it gives us time to calm and to think. Take some deep breaths.

Observe

Take a look around. What is happening? Who is around? What are they saying or doing? Where are you? What are your thoughts? How does your body feel? This allows you to take in the facts of the situation. You are gathering information so you can see what your options are on how to proceed, rather than impulsively reacting.

Proceed mindfully

This is where we take the information we observed and with our thinking brains starting to come back online, we can ask some important questions to ourselves to better know how to proceed. For example: What do I want from this situation? How do I want this to end (in other words, what’s the goal)? If I proceed in this way (X), how will that end up? If I proceed in this way (Y), how will that end up?

TIPP: These exercises are ways to engage our nervous system to decrease the intensity of an emotion. In this case: anger.

Temperature

This is where we want to change our body temperature quickly by using cold on our face. This looks like:

1. Taking a bowl of cold water, holding your breath, and dipping your face as long as you can until there is discomfort (commonly 30-60 seconds).

2. Use an ice pack or a bag with ice cubes inside, press onto your face (over eyes, top of cheeks).

3. Go to the sink, hold your breath, splash cold water on your face.

[Caution: this is not the best exercise for those with heart issues]

Intense Exercise

This is a way to get your body moving, because intense emotions actually fuel us to act. Let’s just use that fuel differently. Do any kind of exercise for 20 min based on your physical ability. 

Paced Breathing

Slow down and focus on your breathing. Deep breath in 4 seconds. Breathe out 8 seconds. Breathe from your abdomen.

Paired Muscle Relaxation

Like its name says, this exercise is to help us relax. As you would have noticed, intense anger tenses your muscles and getting ourselves to release the tension can induce calm. You will go through each muscle group, for example: hands, nose, neck, stomach, upper legs, ankles, and so on. You focus on that specific muscle group by tensing the muscle for 5-10 seconds while breathing in, then release for 5-10 seconds while breathing out.

SELF SOOTHE: These are tools to find relief and calm by focusing on our senses.

Sight

When focusing on sight, you may think to yourself what you see. Describe it. Notice the colours of red you see. Do you see objects that are circular? Notice those.

You can find other ways to visually soothe, like going to look at the stars, looking through pictures that bring you good feelings, walk through a park, or look at items in a store.

Hearing

You may try closing your eyes for this if comfortable. Then focus: What sounds are heard? Hum of the refrigerator? Dog barking outside? Just notice.

Other ways to soothe through hearing are listening to your favourite music, going near water to listen to the waves, turning on the radio, or listening to birds chirping outside in a tree.

Taste

Eat or drink something. Take your time. Notice the taste: Sweet? Salty? Sour?

This might look like eating your favourite food that brings good feelings, going to get something to eat at a new place you haven’t tried, a soothing drink like coffee, tea, or smoothie, or chew flavourful gum.

Touch

Notice where you’re touching. Is your arm up against a soft armchair? Are your feet pressed firm on the ground? Notice the sensations.

You can also try taking a hot bath or shower, getting a hug, wrapping yourself in a blanket, putting a cold item on your forehead, or petting your dog or cat.

Smell

What are the smells around you? Dinner cooking? Fresh cut grass? That garbage you have yet to take out? Just notice.

Try opening the coffee container and taking a whiff, step outside to smell the fresh air or trees, light a candle, or put on a lotion with a scent you like (this is also good for touch sensation).

IMPROVING THE MOMENT - This is about making this moment easier to tolerate when anger feels overwhelming.

Imagery

This is also called visualising. You’re both distracting and bringing in good feelings by going to an imaginary place. It’s helpful to have already imagined this place. Know what it is so that when you are angry you can bring it to mind more quickly.

So tell me, what does this place look like? What does it feel like? Smells? Does it have furniture and wallpaper? Is it outdoors with the breeze brushing your face? Where does the anger go? Is there a lock on the room preventing it from getting in? Is it being washed away at sea moving farther and farther away?

Meaning

Sometimes it’s helpful that even in difficult moments, there can be meaning. Though this moment is hard, is there a lesson, or fuel that can come from it? (Some may believe that sometimes there are times where we are in pain or are suffering and it has no meaning or lesson. This is a perfectly okay perspective too). 

Prayer

This does not have to be religious affiliated if that doesn’t fit. It’s just a way to sit in the moment with focus on the intense anger and opening yourself to a favourite saying or prayer. You might have something in mind that relates to accepting the anger and the feeling of no control.

Relaxing Actions

This is simply doing activities that you personally find relaxing. This could be watching a movie, baking cookies, walking outside, or laying in a hot bath.

One thing in the Moment

This is about focusing on one thing at a time. You’re angry in this moment and you only have to get through this moment. Don’t pile on other times in the past you’ve felt angry or screwed up. One thing at a time. Just get through the now.

Vacation

Take a vacation from being a grown up for a few minutes, or at the most 1 day. Can you have someone else take that responsibility for now so you can get through? Can you leave that thing that’s in the back of your mind for now so you can come back to your life calm and ready? This can be a tricky one for those used to “vacationing” (the avoiders). It’s important to do this with purpose, not in every situation you feel overwhelmed.

Encouragement

Talk to yourself like you would a friend who is at the height of anger. How might you encourage them? Tell them something positive.

The best way to get better at these skills is to practice them when you’re not angry. You can’t think clearly when your emotions take over, so we have to know the tools and have them in our toolbelt ready to go (so not as much thinking power needs to be involved). This can mean writing them on a piece of paper OR just getting good at one or two of them, that really may be all you need. 

These tips are a part of Distress Tolerance Skills taught in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT).

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.

References

Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT (R) Skills Training Manual, second edition (2nd ed.). Guilford Publications.