How depression affects your relationship.
If you suspect you or your partner has clinical depression, or have been diagnosed, you may understand that depression has big impacts. It affects the way we think, feel, and behave. So that person you are seeing now, is different. Depression can affect your daily living, making things like relationships and work, much more difficult to manage.
Common depression symptoms you may be seeing in yourself or your partner:
Sad
Not feeling hopeful about the future
Lack of interest & pleasure in things that once were
Irritable or angry; may look like short fuse
Sleep issues (too much or too little)
Tired or sluggish
Appetite change (none or increased)
Memory issues, trouble thinking and concentrating
Thoughts of death or attempts at suicide
A confusing part is, you may not know why you aren’t happy and feel so miserable.
Your partner can be asking and asking, “what’s wrong?”, and you may not have a concrete answer.
We expect that after a death or loss of job for example, someone may experience depressed feelings. So it’s different from someone going through a hard time after an event (though certainly this can fuel longer-term mental health issues).
In relationships it is only natural that how we act influences our partners. Each relationship establishes patterns of how they are together whether it’s on purpose or not.
If our behaviour shifts, the relationship shifts (for the good or bad).
What depression can do to a healthy partnership
When in the midst of an episode, the person who is depressed may have difficulty being a satisfactory partner. Obviously this definition varies, but some common ways partners define health in a relationship are:
Good Communication - You want to be able to talk honestly and openly with your partner without walking on eggshells. On the other hand, your partner should be able to communicate with you about what they are thinking and feeling even when it’s an uncomfortable topic. It looks like being able to resolve or manage conflict, and expressing and sharing emotions and experiences.
When someone has depression, their sadness and hopelessness will make it challenging to not see everything through a negative lense. It’s like negative tunnel vision. This can be very challenging for their partner who may have the ability to see resolution in a conflict, or is hearing their partner say things that don’t make sense to them. The depressed person’s patience may be less because of their increased irritability, so you may see conversations ending in angry outbursts as well.
Enjoying each other’s company - Partners usually have common activities and enjoy time spent together. This doesn’t mean they have all the same hobbies. It means when they have their alone time they have things they like to do together, whether that’s going to try a new restaurant, watching a movie, going on a hike, or just chatting.
When someone has depression they can lose interest in things that once were enjoyable. It may now feel like a chore to go out and do something “fun”. Nothing seems to give them the good feeling they know they should have, which makes it even more difficult and confusing. Their partner can feel frustrated that their partner’s mood is causing them to lose connection, making them feel more distant.
Shared decision-making - Making decisions in a partnership requires collaboration. This could be small like what to get for groceries or something more significant like moving cities (of course this can also be affected by how intertwined your lives are ie. living together, kids). But largely relationships require effort on both sides on what to do and what’s next.
When someone has depression they can be tired and have trouble concentrating. Having additional tasks may feel burdensome to them. This can be frustrating for the partner who may be having to make decisions on their own. This can feel lonely on both sides.
Showing care and kindness - Ideally you want someone to be there for you on a regular basis, showing care and kindness through their words and actions. This can look a lot of ways depending on how someone shows care, but it may be like making time for them, asking them about their day, trying to understand their perspectives, cooking a meal, saying something you appreciate about them, or showing physical affection.
When someone has depression they may have lots of thoughts and feelings that make their internal world very challenging. They may have trouble showing themselves care and kindness, and may just be in survival mode trying to get through the day. We all know that relationships are effort, so they may cognitively know they care, but that extra effort that this takes (because having to make effort in all relationships is normal and healthy) may be too much.
Depression can influence someone who was once great at these things (ie. communication, showing care) to be more challenged by them. AND there are people who may have already been challenged by some of these healthy ways to be in relationships. For example, someone may have already had challenges communicating with their partner, and depression makes that even more challenging.
How can I help myself or my partner with depression?
Start the conversation. If you’re suffering, talk to your partner or other trusted person. Don’t just talk to yourself in your head. Saying it out loud is the first step.
If it’s your partner that’s suffering: encourage them, be patient and kind. For example “I’m noticing your mood change. I love you and I want you to be okay.” This lets your partner know you're not judging them, you're not mad, you just don’t want things to keep going like this or get worse.
Seek help. You by no means have to figure this out on your own. Talk to a mental health professional or a medical provider. There are options to move you forward.
For partners, if they engage in talks about their mood, ask them what they want to do about it. Maybe it’s something they’ve already been thinking about. If not, ask if they’re open to talk about options. (Also, this is hard for you too. Have your own outlet to talk about this candidly).
If you or your partner have already sought out help and the depression is a work in progress, then relationship/couples counselling may be a great option when you’re ready. This can help repair some of the hurts that relationships suffer when a partner is suffering with depression.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
If you are having symptoms of depression as discussed here, please seek out your mental health or medical provider. At the very least speak to someone in your life about what is going on and how you are feeling.
There are many options for crisis lines if having thoughts of suicide. Please consider:
Talk Suicide Canada 1-833-456-4566 Open 24.7 or text 45645 4pm-midnight ET
Hope For Wellness Helpline (for Indigenous folks): 1-855-242-3310 Open 24.7
Your local crisis line. For Crisis Response Services (Canadian Mental Health Association) in Thunder Bay 807-346-8282 | District/Toll Free: 1-888-269-3100 or Kenora/Rainy River Region: 1-866-888-8988
If are feeling like you may hurt yourself or try suicide, please contact your local emergency number or 911. If it’s a loved one you’re worried about you can call the emergency line yourself while making sure someone is always with them, or bring them yourself to an emergency service.
