How to stop feeling bad about yourself.
Feeling bad about yourself consistently is otherwise known as low self-esteem. If you have an overall negative view about yourself, who you are, and what your value is, it can lead to problems with your mental health, relationships, or work. You want to be able to show up in the world without feeling apologetic about it, like you have a place here too. I’ve got good news, everyone has and deserves a place, but there are experiences that have caused us to question this and it’s hard to think otherwise when it’s how you’ve always felt. Here are ways to start working on this:
Check The Facts
One of the first things to practice is checking the facts. Feeling bad about yourself can cause you to see the world through special “I’m not good enough” glasses. You interpret situations and experiences in a way that can validate those feelings of not good enough. Get good at asking some questions before reacting in a way that says “Yup, just as I thought: No one likes me”.
An example of checking the facts:
Your car is broken down on the side of the road. You see your friend approaching in their car so you start waving them down. “HEY, HEY, I’m over here!!”. They drive right past you. Huh? Here are the thoughts that might run through your head:
“Friends always stop for friends.”
“They must not like me.”
“They’re so rude.”
You later discover that they had a small child in the car with a medical emergency. They were very focused on getting to the hospital as fast as they could. Knowing this, you might have a different feeling that leads to a different thought about the situation. Knowing when we don’t have all the information or when our conclusions are actually interpretations is important.
Try Generating Other Possible Explanations
This may sound harsh: It’s not all about you. But this is a good thing! The best lesson we can learn is we are special, unique individuals who have so much to add to this world, yet we are also not special at all and the world doesn’t revolve around us. Find that balance. When we feel down and not good about ourselves we can do this thing where we make ourselves the cause of every interaction or situation that doesn’t happen the way we hoped. Get more info. Look at all sides and points of views. Try not to jump to conclusions. Practice generating as many possible explanations for something that made you feel bad about yourself:
I texted that person from the dating app to see if they wanted to meet for coffee, but they never replied.
You:
They hate me.
I’m ugly.
No one will ever love me.
Other possibilities:
They’re not ready for a relationship and got scared.
You reminded them of their ex-partner and didn’t want to go there.
They saw your list of hobbies and they don’t like any of the same things.
They are actually super busy and don’t prioritise answering on those apps.
They don’t have the emotional capacity right now to tell you they just don’t want to go on a date.
I saw my coworker in the grocery store and they didn’t acknowledge me when I was trying to make eye contact.
You:
They don’t like me.
They’re mad I didn’t help them with that thing.
Other possibilities:
They didn’t see you.
They struggle with social anxiety.
They hold grudges because they have difficulty being honest about their feelings.
Their dog is sick.
They have a pounding headache and are just trying to get out of the store.
My partner commented on how much weight I’ve gained.
You:
They’re right.
I’m not loveable.
Other possibilities:
Your partner doesn’t know how to love.
They are projecting their own insecurities about their body onto you.
They try to make you feel bad because they feel bad.
They hold twisted views of how bodies are “supposed” look because they grew up in a fat-phobic society.
Your body is fine and they are not the right person for you.
There are so many possibilities. When we start to stop and question our thoughts, feelings, and conclusions, it can lead us to not feeling so carried away, like we can have better control over how we feel.
Problem-solving
Is there something particular that is causing you to feel bad about yourself? For example:
You’re working for an organization that is practicing actions that don’t align with your values. You value kindness and transparency, and you’ve been in situations where you went along with their unethical ways of doing things.
You’ve realized your drinking is no longer in your control. This has led you to doing things that’s characteristically not you, like stealing and lying to your spouse.
You are in a romantic relationship and the other person negatively comments on your appearance. You’ve asked them not to, and they keep doing it.
There are many ways that our actions or actions of others can cause us to feel bad about ourselves. You’ve checked the facts and your feelings are justified. Is there a way you can start making steps towards different actions, depending on what you’re dealing with? Can you make or influence the situation to be better? Is it best to leave the situation?
Observe Your Thoughts & Feelings
Mindfulness exercises have become more popular in the mainstream for good reason. It’s a simple idea to practice that can have a large impact on how we interact with our thoughts.
This exercise will get you started on getting more aware by observing and noticing.
Find a quiet space and comfortable position for your body. Take a few deep breaths to relax any muscle groups that are tensing.
What you’ll notice is thoughts coming up. Often judgement thoughts, like “Am I doing this right?”, or “How long will this take” come up and that is perfectly fine.
I want you to notice them, envision yourself holding them gently in your hand palms up.
Try to eliminate any judgement of yourself having the thought. Just notice it as if it’s an inanimate object.
Now let it go. Let it float away, keep moving along as if it’s waves on the shore or clouds in the sky.
Ground yourself to your seat. Those thoughts are not you, let them pass. Breath.
This is an exercise to have you become aware of what your thoughts are saying and gaining control over letting them go. When we understand that thoughts are not facts, that helps, but we can still get fixated. You are not tied to them. Practice that.
Examine Your Thoughts
If you check the facts and can objectively say I’m not a bad person, I have a lot going on for me, or your friends and family are able to say “you’re great, what are you talking about?” then there’s some stuff to unpack. This usually means there’s a deeper wound. There's some deeper voice that has its claws in it that's telling you things that just aren’t true. When it comes up you try to combat it, but it’s tough. Going to talk to a professional counsellor or therapist is my first suggestion. Otherwise, start examining your thoughts and asking yourself some questions.
In practising the mindfulness exercise, what came up for you? Based on our early and most impactful experiences, we develop beliefs about the world and ourselves that can influence our self-esteem. When becoming aware of our thoughts we may start to see patterns that can lead us to better understand these beliefs. Those beliefs influence our interpretations, feelings, and thoughts, and can make us feel bad about ourselves. Examples:
“I can never do anything right”
This is extreme thinking, and not facts (see checking the facts above). Do you have experiences where the expectations set for you were high or unreasonable? Or maybe you experienced a lot of criticism that wasn’t balanced with validation and love? We can quickly go to this thought if we have learned to not see the “grey”.
“No one likes me”
Do you remember feeling warmth from your early relationships? Did they like you or criticise you? You may still go to this thought of “no one likes me” because others liking you seems like a less likely scenario in your mind. It can stem from not feeling like others like you early on (that likely had little to do with you). You’re an adult now though, your world is different, and you are exposed to so many people who could possibly like you.
“I have no control”
Have you had experiences where you were left to fend for yourself? When you reached out for support or help early in your life, did you have people who responded? We can go to helplessness as a response to old experiences where we did not have the means to change our situation (like childhood). That may not be true for our present situation as adults who have greater resources.
Also, think about how some thoughts are serving you. Do they have a purpose? Yes, I know, why would I WANT bad thoughts about myself? Well, it’s more that after we become aware of certain thoughts and beliefs, we maintain them because believing differently requires us to sit in fear. For example:
“I can never do anything right” = Are you stopping yourself from trying new things or pursuing your passion because failure is unbearable?
“No one likes me” = Is this belief a protector against close relationships that would not feel safe?
“I have no control” = Could maintaining this belief feel safe because responsibility and taking reigns on our life feels burdensome and scary?
Take Action
I am a big believer in understanding ourselves and examining thoughts and feelings. This can be huge for those of those who avoid and ignore, but want to feel better. There’s this other part though that I think is critical to improve how we feel about ourselves. That part is having real life experiences. Taking action on participating in life even though you’re scared. Don’t wait until you’ve solved the puzzle of your negative thoughts and beliefs. Move your feet when your brain is saying hide under the covers. (And yes there are always exceptions to this, so take inventory on your symptoms). Try (while practising letting those nagging thoughts get washed away. See: Observe Your Thoughts & Feelings above):
Breathing fresh air and walking through a park, despite wanting to hide from the world.
Going to that birthday party, despite feeling awkward around new people (or all people).
Going on a date, despite thinking they won’t like you.
Using your vacation days you never take, despite thinking that means you’re lazy.
Trying a hobby you never tried, despite being scared people will think it’s weird.
Wear the dress you bought with the cool pattern, despite thinking your body’s just not there yet.
For those who struggle with feeling bad about themselves (or self-esteem), you are doing the best you can in this moment. Try on some of the suggestions in the article to see if they fit. We are all a work in progress. Take one step at a time in the direction you want to go.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
References
Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT (R) Skills Training Manual, second edition (2nd ed.). Guilford Publications.
