Why “never go to bed angry” is bad relationship advice.

You’re in a disagreement with your partner. We’ve all been there. Many times there’s one person that wants to walk away (or does), and the other person who says we need to solve this now. Who is right?

We’ve all heard the advice “never go to bed angry” when it comes to getting in an argument with your partner, but I believe this is bad advice for most situations.

When is going to bed angry a good thing?

It’s not so much that going to bed while angry is good because let’s be real: trying to fall asleep when you are upset is nearly impossible. This advice is more about whether you should solve the issue and repair the relationship now, or walk away and let it be for a while. Here are the reasons I am PRO “go to sleep angry”:

Gives you time to calm down

If you are in a disagreement with your partner and you are emotional: upset, frustrated, hurt, annoyed etc. and you feel yourself increasingly so, then you are not going to be very helpful at this moment. You may be someone who has skills to take a moment to calm yourself, but if you’re not or you are having difficulty finding a way to be calm right now, then stop. When emotions are very strong and overwhelming, it is difficult to think clearly. You could end up saying something hurtful or just not have the capacity to problem-solve. That is okay. Stepping away from a conversation that is overwhelming and not resolving can give you time to calm down and come back later thinking more clearly.

Resolution is not on the horizon

When in a disagreement we can end up going around and around and around seemingly never coming to a different conclusion. If you are at the place that both of you have repeated yourselves and are badgering to get the other person to understand your perspective then it’s a sign that resolution is not near. Hours of back-and-forth is exhausting and likely not helpful. Who said talking about the relationship or a particular problem needed to be compete all in one sitting? Take a break, take a step back.

Time can give clarity

Take time to re-group. Sometimes we don’t know how we feel and need time to process our true feelings and thoughts. As just said, strong emotions can cloud our ability to think things through. This does not mean that feelings are not important. We want to find a balance between how you're feeling about something, and our logical/thinking part.

So take the time to find calm and only then start asking yourself some important questions:

• What emotion was I feeling? What happened that made me feel that way? 

• Is there something from my past experiences with this person or others that is making this feeling more intense?

• What were the facts surrounding the disagreement? For example: I felt anger boil up when they said BLANK. 

• *Remember facts are objective truths not interpretations. For example: They did not take out the garbage (fact) and they don’t care that I already have so much on my plate (Interpretation).

• It’s easy to get caught up in interpretations like: “They were very sad when I told them BLANK”. This could definitely be true, but make sure they were the one who said this. Sometimes we interpret our partner’s reaction, which seems obvious to label the emotion. You don’t know until you know though. SO when you eventually go back to the conversation calm and collected, try: “You seemed sad when I said BLANK, did I get that right?”

• What am I hoping for? What can resolution look like?

• What could I have done differently?

• What is most important for my partner to know about our disagreement?

• What does it look like to be in their shoes? Do things look different from their perspective, or an outsider’s perspective?

• What can I say to be clear in my communication about my needs, but also maintain respect and kindness for my partner?

Acting with purpose

When you go to bed angry you have time to get calm and gain clarity. Then this allows you to go into the next conversation with purpose. And yes, if the topic of disagreement is important to one or both of you, then you should come back to it. You get to go into the conversation knowing better what you are looking for; For example: to apologise, give an apology, hear each other out, problem-solve, or offer solutions to prevent further disagreements. When you are more calm you also have the ability to have emotional capacities for your partner you couldn’t before. Meaning, in this conversation you can monitor and express your own feelings, and keep in mind your partner’s. When more calm you can more easily have the mindset of “we’re on the same team,” rather than “this is a battle I am going to win”.

Readiness

Let’s acknowledge that sometimes we are not ready for a conversation that requires care, respect, and patience. When we are tired, hungry, have been drinking, or have already had a tough emotional day, then it is not the time to converse with your partner about something that needs special attention.

When can going to bed angry be a bad thing (sort of)?

Disrupts sleep

It’s already been said, but being upset doesn’t make for a restful slumber. This doesn’t mean you need to go back to your partner and say “let’s finish this”. It could mean finding other ways to get more calm before trying to sleep. Everyone does this differently. This could be going to walk the dog, eating your favourite snack, throwing cold water on your face, or taking deep long breaths. For more tips read ‘How to calm down when already angry’.

You still wake up angry

You may feel more angry because you’re still ruminating about the stuff that made you so mad in that conversation with your partner. This doesn’t mean you should have stayed in the argument, but it means sleeping on it wasn’t enough for you. There’s more work you need to do before talking again. You still need to go through the steps of calming down and asking yourself the important questions that we discussed above.

Time doesn’t give you clarity

You still don’t know what you want, how you're feeling, some options to resolve it, or the perspective of your partner. It’s okay if sleeping on it didn’t do this for you. At the very least, going into the next conversation with calm is most important. You can go to your partner and say, “I don’t know what to think or how I’m feeling, what about you?” and have a discussion with care and respect now that you’re more calm. You can even decide not to resolve it right now and say, “thanks for talking about this again, I am going to take some more time to think.” You can reach out to your therapist, trusted friend, or do an activity that you know could give you the relaxation you need for more clarity.

You never resolve it

This is the fear of many people who don’t believe you should walk away from a disagreement with a partner. This is fair. It is very common to walk away and never find resolution. This can leave one or both of you to continue to ruminate about it, or feel resentful. Those unresolved emotions can lead to further arguments because you are already simmering underneath it all. 

Whether you are the person who tends to walk away or the person who tries to stay, you have the ability to reach out again and say “our conversation the other night didn’t go so well, I would love to try again when we both feel ready”. There is not a timeline for this, but certainly if it is a conversation that is important to one or both of you, make it a priority.

Also consider: You don’t always have to come back to the conversation. 

Sometimes we are hangry, or you understand that it was not as big of a deal as initially thought. You and your partner may find reconnection by acknowledging the argument that got too heated in different ways in this case. It may be as simple as giving each other a hug the next day without words or making their morning coffee. Just remember that it is not solely your decision to decipher between when to let go and when another conversation is needed. You may be okay with putting the disagreement in the past and your partner is not, or vice versa. So it is important to speak up if you are the person who needs more or check in with them when you sense something’s still off. 

Disclaimer: This is meant to be general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. An important example of an exception would be in situations of domestic violence and abusive relationships. Please seek out psychotherapy or counselling for guidance specific to you.