Managing anger in relationships.
You want so badly to just get along and have more ease in your relationship with your spouse. You find yourself repeatedly angry however, and managing anger in your relationship feels impossible. Let’s take a look at how anger might manifest in your relationship and 3 ways you can address it.
How anger manifests in relationships
Often where anger is problematic in relationships is how we deal with it. What makes it so challenging to deal with anger, or any strong emotion, is that it can cause tunnel vision or limited thinking.
It's hard to see the full picture when angry.
This can happen when angry because anger can be a defense. Basically, it’s going into protection mode.
You might see extreme thinking when angry. This would look like:
Blaming; “It’s your fault”
All or nothing; “I’m always the bad guy”
Mind reading; “You did this because…”
Judgement; “You’re a bad person”
You might see yourself acting on what I call “anger urges”. In other words, you’re acting on impulse. This is where we might see:
Yelling
Running away
Abusive language or touch
Sarcasm
Silent treatment
A common result of unsatisfied anger is resentment.
This can happen when we hold our anger in OR when the ways we try to address the anger didn’t work. So we still carry the anger with us because we are unsatisfied. Anger wants justice.
We feel as if the thing we are angry about was unheard, dismissed, or disbelieved, and that feels unfair, but we don’t have the tools to make it better.
All of this to say: the way you are managing anger in your relationship is causing disconnection. You feel disconnected from your partner.
The goal whenever you are angry and upset about something in your relationship is to be able to address it with them, which hopefully leads to a repair. Repair is just another word for re-connecting, which is the ultimate goal.
3 steps to managing anger in relationships.
1. Check the facts
Like I mentioned, anger can give us tunnel vision. We might jump to conclusions by making a determination about the situation before we understand what has all happened.
An example might be: Your spouse not answering your phone calls or not doing that thing you asked them to do.
We can sometimes feel very slighted and angry about something without considering intention or circumstances.
Our emotional experience is super important, but what is also important in our relationship is empathy, curiosity, and understanding on both sides. So why is it they did that thing?
You may still come out of that self-reflection with: “I have a good reason to be angry,” but expanding our view of the situation can certainly help lessen strong feelings of anger OR give us a better understanding of how to problem-solve with them.
2. Clarifying anger
Sometimes our anger is straight forward. Sometimes it needs to be understood with a little more depth. Often I hear clients say “I am angry because [then they tell me about something that happened or something someone did]”.
What I always want to know next is:
“What about that experience was upsetting to you?”
This question is really important because that something might also have upset me, but WHY it was upsetting might differ.
Example:
I got home from work and my spouse left suddenly saying they had dinner with friends.
What could be upsetting about this? Below are 3 possible answers. Notice that I have pointed out what part of their spouse’s action or inaction was upsetting and caused them to feel anger. As well, the sensitive spot or deeper wound it hit, and the unmet need or desire (what was missing for them?):
This example could be upsetting because:
Their spouse is taking time for their friends, but they would like to spend more time with their spouse too. (specific, unmet need or desire)
This can cause some fear of being replaceable or unimportant. (sensitive spot)
…………………………………
They’re exhausted and now left to watch the kids on their own. (specific)
They feel like they were not considered in their spouse’s decision-making, like what they need doesn’t matter. (sensitive spot)
They would want them to give more notice about plans or acknowledge that they know it’s difficult to parent while tired. (unmet need or desire)
…………………………………
Their spouse left with little acknowledgement towards them. (specific)
They hoped they would give them a hug or kiss, or have said something. (unmet need or desire)
This feeling goes along with the other moments in their relationship where they have felt like a low priority, unwanted, or invisible. (sensitive spot)
…………………………………
Before sharing your anger and hurt with your spouse, you really need to clarify.
Do not skip this step!
This is because you can end up giving your spouse your emotional labour. Without clarifying, It becomes an emotional dumping where your spouse is navigating your emotional experience, putting the pieces together, and find the meaning. This is not their job, though there may be moments where their insight is helpful.
The goal is really to share your clarified experience so you can understand each other better, repair after a disagreement, or connect through emotional intimacy (trusting them to be brought into your inner world).
3. Addressing anger
I have gotten the question: When do I address it with my spouse and when do I let it go? For that I’ll direct you towards my blog: Resentment in Relationships, which speaks to this.
Once you have clarified your emotional experience, and decided it is something important enough to address, it’s time to share it with them.
Here are a few tips for sharing your anger in your relationship:
Have realistic expectations. Our spouse won't always get it right, so if they respond in a way that is unhelpful, let them know.
Provide your need or expectation:
“I just need you to listen to my experience first and understand. That would be really helpful right now.”
“I know this is my perspective and you will have yours. I would really appreciate you hearing me out.”
“I’m not trying to be critical, I just want you to know when something is upsetting so maybe we can try to do things differently together.”
Also, it’s not always about them fixing their behaviour to prevent your anger in the future. Sometimes it’s simply about repair.
You might just need them to acknowledge that the way they went about something was upsetting for you and that’s enough.
…………………………………
Approach as a team. We can easily fall into defending our negative experience as individuals, rather than thinking: “We are a team. Let’s solve this problem together.” It can sometimes be helpful to think about it as a relationship problem, not a you problem. How can we stay more connected?
Sometimes our spouse may not think that our anger is valid. It is important to remember that just because it is upsetting for you, it may not be upsetting for them in the same situation (and vice versa). Instead of going into defense mode, try:
“I totally get that this wouldn't be upsetting for you. Sometimes I feel that way too. For me this experience made me angry and I think that’s important. I want to talk about it with you, rather than get resentful. This is what I would hope for right now [insert need ex. understanding or acknowledgement, or a change in behaviour].
Adjust your language. Instead of “You did this and need to do this better”, which is blamey and critical, try,
“This [behaviour] made me feel [feeling] because [give them that clarified experience]. I would like [what you hope to expect or would have wanted].
Final thoughts on managing anger in relationships
Sometimes understanding our inner world, feelings, thoughts, and then trying to communicate is overwhelming.
I say this because everything you’ve read above is what would happen in an ideal world and by no means can you always get your relationship right.
Developing better emotional and relationship skills is incremental.
If it’s not enough to do this on your own though, don't hesitate to reach out for professional support, whether as an individual or a couple relationship.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
