Men’s loneliness.
Let’s talk about men's loneliness. Everyone seems to be experiencing increased loneliness in the last few years, there's no doubt. The pandemic took a toll on our routines and practices that connected us to others, as well as affected mental wellness. I am going to speak about the specific experiences of men’s loneliness here though because this seems to be unique and vast.
What is loneliness?
Loneliness can grow from not having access to connection with others, like what happened in the pandemic. Remember that loneliness however can be felt even when you are surrounded by others.
Loneliness is the feeling:
“I can’t feel this, I can’t share this.”
If you experience something upsetting, do you have someone to share that with?
Loneliness is a feeling that grows from disconnection into a pattern of self-reliance.
The more I don’t turn to others to start or maintain a connection to them, the more I feed the beast of lonely and sad thoughts that pushes me towards only relying on myself. I keep things in.
I put on a “strong” front or happy face, but inside I feel like I am outside looking in, like no one cares anyway.
The more I am disconnected, the more I feel disconnection is inevitable and irreparable.
I feel unseen and misunderstood.
Why do men experience loneliness?
Some men can be less relationally inclined, meaning they may not prioritise relationships and have learned the skills to maintain them.
On the other hand, many more women have great social pressure to be relationally inclined. Romantic relationships and marriage especially are seen as a measure of success in our society still. Being able to navigate relationships and have interest in it is valuable as a girl and woman.
We don’t praise men in those ways.
We don't encourage men as often as boys to be nurturing, affectionate, considerate, and talk about vulnerable stuff.
Being vulnerable with a trusted person by talking about your thoughts and feelings builds a deep relational connection. Women practise this because they’re more safe to do so. For a boy or man to do the same would might expose them to judgement and risk ridicule, which as a young person is everything. Belonging is the priority.
Men learn how to exist in the world that will bring them acceptance. So naturally, they might be more likely to build skills in other areas and value other things, like achievement and self-sufficiency. They bring these lessons into adulthood where yes they build relationships, but they are primed to struggle in circumstances where relationships require more fervent effort.
In my experience I see men being more opportunistic with relationships, growing friendships from common interests where they happen to come upon others.
They may not be direct about relational building and deepening, so when something like a pandemic hits and in-person activity is taken away it shakes the norm of how they maintain connection.
Reaching out to chat through text or phone or video is uncomfortable (and vulnerable!).
How can I fight loneliness?
To combat loneliness, men have to first tackle that internal voice that says they must push through and do it on their own.
You can’t fight loneliness on your own because that is how it breeds.
The longer you are left struggling inside trying to problem solve alone, the more you risk feeding the self-reliance urge and pattern of being removed under all circumstances.
Men, remember that being a man in this world has influenced you to not ask for help.
You were trained to not be “needy” because that means you are weak and can’t cut it, right? This is an old trope that we have to let go of. Strength is about asking for help and saying:
“Hey, I need to lean on you for a minute so I can catch my breath.”
Suffering in silence has to go.
Men have social needs
This may not be obvious for some men, but know that you benefit from social connections just as much as women. You deserve to be cared for and care for others, and if you are missing one of those pieces then you’re missing out on a vital social need.
It can feel like shame when you expose yourself to potential new and old connections.
You were programmed this way. Relationships are about risk though. Most people will be glad to connect and build a relationship with you, wouldn’t you if the situation was reversed?
Know that when someone doesn’t want that, it simply means your emotional energy and care is needed elsewhere; move it along to the next one.
How can I help men’s loneliness?
Those in relationships with men can help too. If the man in your life is uncomfortable with having difficult or vulnerable conversations, you can make an effort to make it feel more safe. This might look like:
Being open to hearing their thoughts and feelings. Don’t police them.
Example of what not to do: “You shouldn’t feel that way” or “You’re seeing this wrong”
Trying not to judge, but rather understand.
Try: “So when this happened, you felt [insert feeling]? Can you help me understand that a little better?” rather than “Why would you feel that way? That doesn’t make sense.”
Take responsibility for your part (even if small).
Example, “Raising my voice probably wasn't helpful there.”
Validate even if you don’t agree. It’s like putting yourself in their shoes.
Example, “I can see how you feel that way”
Be curious about how they might have come to those conclusions.
Example, “Where did you learn that?” or “Have you always felt this way?”
Reflect back what they are saying so you know you are understanding accurately.
Example, “If I’m understanding correctly, it feels like [this] because of [this]”
Practice empathy.
Example, “That sounds tough” or “I’m sorry you went through that”
Encourage lightly.
Example, “You can talk about whatever you’re comfortable with. I’m just listening right now” or “I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk”
Identify small efforts.
Example, “I’m happy you had this conversation with me. I know it was difficult. I hope we can continue to do this.”
Final thoughts on men’s loneliness
Loneliness can make you feel stuck or backed into a corner, like the way out is too challenging. The antidote is connection.
Read my blog Why do I suffer in silence? for more clarity on this and suggestions on small steps you can take to start coming out the shadows or out behind that wall.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
