How to deal with irritability.
Irritability is when you feel on edge, prickly, impatient, and quick to anger. It is super annoying to be in this mood for yourself and the people around you.
Irritability gets in the way of managing what you need to get done in a day, like work, household responsibilities, childcare etc. It’s not like irritability stops you from doing those things, it’s that it makes it a much more taxing experience to get through. Not to mention, you might come away from these activities with someone upset with you.
As a therapist who often works with those suffering with irritability, I’ll help you take a look at some ways you can deal with irritability more effectively.
Context
Let’s give your irritability some context. Why? Well, what can make irritability worse is judgement, like:
“I shouldn’t be irritable” as if what is happening in your life isn’t enough to warrant being overwhelmed.
“Just get it together” as if you should be able to suck the overwhelm back into your body and be suddenly tranquil.
Essentially, I see irritability as overwhelm: Your body is signalling that it is at its limit.
So let’s practise putting aside our narrow judgements and give your life some context.
What are you dealing with that is taking up that emotional energy?
It could be:
Work pressure
Chronic pain
Grief and loss
Household responsibilities
Relationship strain
Depression
Discrimination or maltreatment
Childcare
Messy home / clutter
Self-esteem challenges
Childhood trauma
The list goes on and on. There are tasks and responsibilities that we have that take up a mental load and stress us out. In addition, there are emotional loads like childhood trauma or dealing with ongoing grief that will also contribute to how much energy we have to manage life.
This is one of the reasons why irritability will look different for everyone.
What I can handle may not be what you can handle. As well, what I can handle right now will shift depending on what’s happening in my life.
So let go of “I shouldn’t be irritable” or “just get it together” because I bet that your irritability makes perfect sense in context.
Slow it down
When you are irritable and in a state of overwhelm: slow it down. Your capacity is smaller right now. Take some deep breaths. Take your time.
Give yourself pauses. Allow yourself to pause before giving an answer to a question or responding impulsively (to something you may not need to respond to!). Part of irritability is quickness to annoyance or anger, so to prevent this you can practise pausing to try to diffuse that “quickness.”
Lower your expectations. Again, your mental and emotional capacity when irritable is less, which means you are not at your full capabilities. Your body is saying “this is too much.” SO give it less. What can you allocate or let go of today?
Communicate to others
A mistake I see many people make when it comes to irritability is trying to pretend it doesn’t exist, like the other people in your life won’t notice. I’m going to guess this doesn't always work though. If they are a close person to you, they likely sense it or can even see it in your responses.
“I’m fine”
Rather than saying “I’m fine” or “I’m tired,” try:
“If you haven’t noticed already, I feel on edge today. So if I am being snippy that's why. I’ll do my best to manage it, but I just wanted you to know”.
You may not be able to make irritability completely go away, but you are bringing your important people into your inner world.
Sometimes them just knowing that you are also aware of the irritability makes it feel easier to be with you in those moments.
They are more likely to provide you support in your irritability or mood when you are on the same page, rather than trying to convince them you’re “fine.”
You might even take this a step further and communicate needs or expectations, like:
“I’m not going to be able to do that errand today. I can take care of it [insert time or day].”
OR
“I’m not in the right state right now to have a conversation about that. Because I am irritable, I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. Let’s come back to this [insert time or day].”
Self-care
Irritability can be about overwhelm and as a result limits our capacity to manage. One of the ways we can limit the chances of overwhelm is widening our mental and emotional capacity in the first place.
Our capacity can be greatly improved by enacting preventive measures. In this case I mean: self-care to prevent irritability.
How are you taking care of yourself day-to-day?
Figure out what care activities help you maintain health and well-being. Preventing irritability can look like:
Spending time with your favourite people
Bodily relaxation ex. Meditation, bath
Engaging cultural or spiritual activities
Leisure/hobbies ex. Crafting, making music, playing sports
Movement ex. Walking, swimming, yoga
Basic care ex. Eating, hygiene activities, sleep
Environment ex. Living spaces
Self-reflection/check-ins ex. Journaling, therapy
Alternatively, thinking about:
What is meaningful to you?
What sparks emotional joy or calm?
How is my environment affecting my self-care?
Which activities make my body feel good temporarily and long-term?
What is something from my past that made me feel good that I’ve lost?
Remember: Self-care is not coping.
Coping is ways we make ourselves feel better AFTER something has happened, like a certain negative experience, intense feelings etc.
Self-care is ongoing activities that promote our health and well-being physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. If we practise this (or continue to try!), we can create more emotional balance, which helps our ability to manage difficult things. We will likely see irritability much less often.
Health check
Lastly, remember that irritability can be a sign of something bigger going on health-wise. If your irritability is persistent or out of ordinary, seek a medical professional. There are many physical and mental injuries, disorders or illnesses that are linked to the symptom of irritability.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
