Guilt after infidelity.
Infidelity can rock a relationship, even end one. So what happens when you are trying to fix things with your spouse after your infidelity, but you can’t stop feeling guilty? The guilt is haunting you. The guilt is getting in the way of repairing your relationship or marriage. As a therapist for men and couples, I need you to hear this:
You get to be upset too.
I know not many people will tell you this, but even though you enacted harm through infidelity, you get to be upset too. This upset of course should not overshadow or bulldoze over conversations about your spouse’s hurt.
It does still get to exist though.
Many people who have turned away from their relationship go through a rollercoaster of emotions that also need attention. Along with guilt for hurting your partner you may be experiencing:
Confusion over how you let it get that far
Embarrassed because you never thought you would be that person
Inferior, especially if your spouse had been a good partner
Angry at yourself at betraying your values
Bitterness or indignation knowing there were issues in your relationship that now feel forgotten
Grief of what the relationship used to be
Fear you will never be able to repair what was lost
No one can hold all these emotions and thoughts inside while being the healthy support your spouse needs to recover from the betrayal.
Of course, getting support to work through these feelings is important, but your spouse is not the person to lean on in this scenario. Consider trying therapy or counselling, talking with a friend, or joining a support group.
Take responsibility.
You might say, “Um, Christine, I’m not hiding the infidelity. I’ve confessed, it’s out there. How is this not taking responsibility?”
When the guilt of infidelity is strong, our defences, essentially our protective instincts, can kick in.
Our bodies have a natural inclination to regulate emotions in the best way it knows how. Sometimes that means putting up defences so the narrative we have attached to guilt softens.
Let me give you an example:
Minimizing:
It was not that bad
It was only an emotional affair / It was only physical
That other person betrayed their spouse way worse than I did
Denying:
It was only this many times
It meant nothing
If it happened to me I would be over it by now
Blaming:
I wouldn’t have done it if they hadn’t _________.
I’ve been honest since the affair, yet they still aren’t willing to trust me.
Now, you might not relate to all of these. These are just examples of some ways people respond to their guilt. Defences are a way to protect yourself and make yourself feel better, which makes sense.
And even if some of these have some truth, for example you know someone who betrayed their spouse way worse than you did, highlighting this information is unhelpful and keeps you stuck.
Take responsibility for the infidelity, even if it is just within yourself.
This means there are some things your spouse doesn’t want to know or have details about, but you need to be 100% honest with yourself without adding in the defences.
For example,
“I f*ed up and feel so guilty for how I hurt my wife, but it was purely physical so it really meant nothing”.
Uh uh. Try it again:
“I f*ed up and feel so guilty for how I hurt my wife.” Period.
How we move on from any difficult emotion, like guilt after an infidelity, is first to acknowledge it and rid yourself of those defences, like minimization, denial, and blaming.
Accept what happened fully.
Remember: Acceptance is not “I like what happened” it is, “This is what happened.”
Validation time.
They are still here.
Despite their hurt, your spouse is still choosing to be in the relationship. This means they are willing to repair. You have to be willing to embrace this.
Guilt can cause you to believe you are undeserving.
Your spouse is still choosing to be in the relationship though. This tells me repair and development of a healthy partnership is still possible.
You are still trying.
You didn't give up on the relationship and neither did they. So don’t be a saboteur. Repair after infidelity is not an overnight thing. It’s incremental and requires effort over time. Keep going.
You deserve compassion.
Know that infidelity happens for many reasons, with the less common being intention to harm.
Practise balancing:
Taking responsibility and feeling the guilt
WITH
Self-compassion and reflection
Both sides of the coin are important in recovering from guilt of infidelity.
Guilt breaks.
Put the guilt away.
Imagine with me: You put your infidelity guilt in a box, fold the lid, and tuck it away on a shelf high up and away from sight.
There are times when guilt is intrusive and gets in the way of our day-to-day life and isn't helpful.
It's not helpful if you’re for example: playing with your kids or having date night with your spouse.
Remember that you can’t tuck it away forever though. Bring out the box when you have quiet time self-reflecting, discussing with your therapist, or are talking through the difficult parts of your relationship with your spouse.
Have good feelings.
You still get to have good feelings. If you have a good moment or day, let yourself feel joy or contentment.
You are deserving of good feelings.
Tolerating your spouse’s pain
One of the things that makes the guilt feel never ending is because you are also having it triggered whenever your spouse intentionally or unintentionally brings up the infidelity.
Now the big questions are, how do you tolerate your spouse’s pain without…
Spiralling into intense guilt and self-hatred
Making it about you
Stopping yourself from becoming detached and losing compassion
Tips for tolerance:
Process your feelings outside of these conversations.
If you are not dealing with the painful emotions you are having about the infidelity, including guilt, then it’s going to be doubly hard to manage when you are sitting in your spouse’s pain too.
Remember that your spouse talking about their experience and pain from the infidelity is usually a bid for connection with you.
Their criticism is a veil for their fears. They want to know:
“Are you still here with me or will you turn away?”
So instead of attending and responding to the criticism, try respond to their fears with:
Empathy - “I can’t imagine the pain you’re in.”
Validation - “You are still fighting for this, thank you.”
Reassurance - “I’m with you.”
Sometimes having a different conversation with your spouse, like the one above, can give hope and help turn the volume and pain metre down on those guilt and self-hatred type feelings.
Know your tolerance.
You can step away from conversations so you don't make things worse. That is a totally valid option. Sometimes we are too far deep in our difficult feelings and spiralling thoughts that we KNOW we are going to say something we regret or are not able to comfort.
Try saying: “I want to hear you out, but I need to go get some air so I can calm down. I will be back.”
Final thoughts on infidelity guilt.
Guilt is a sign you have empathy. You feel bad for the harm. Use this as a motivation for repair rather than a festering virus that will cause you to turn away from your spouse.
Take the time to self-reflect with real honesty, while remaining emotionally available to your spouse. This is so hard, so consider reaching out to a professional or others who can give you some extra support.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
