Managing angry thoughts.
If you are someone who deals with anger management issues, you know the angry thoughts that go through your head can make anger much worse. Emotions and thoughts have a back-and-forth that happens. You have a thought first (or feeling like anger; chicken or the egg, right?) then anger starts up, then you have a thought that takes it up a notch, which fuels more anger and so on.
One way to approach anger management issues is to target those thoughts. Let me tell you what you can do to manage those angry thoughts and not make the anger worse.
Identifying anger thoughts.
You have to notice the anger thought for what it is. Get to know those anger patterns.
Judgments
Judgments are normal. Healthy judgment is actually how we make evaluations of a situation. We use our previous knowledge to make sense of something. We can see things as good or bad, or wrong or right.
Judgments can also be unhelpful sometimes though, like when we start harshly judging, or labeling the situation or person as “bad” or “wrong”.
Judgment can also look like thinking:
This is unfair.
They shouldn’t be doing that.
They are wrong.
This is disaster.
I’m a bad person.
Mind reading.
Mind reading, also considered an interpretation or assumption, is filling in the blanks when we don’t have all the information THEN believing it to be true. Now, this has a healthy purpose sometimes. We interpret to understand why things are happening the way they are and why people are doing it a certain way.
A problematic use of assumptive thinking is when we guess others' motivations and fuel our own anger.
We might think:
She thinks she’s better than me.
He thinks that I’m lazy because I showed up late today.
They don’t care about me
They’re going to think I’m overreacting, so I’ll keep it to myself.
They are trying to upset me
She’s not answering the phone because she‘s not interested anymore.
They did that on purpose
We might think these things and have no idea what actually motivated that person to behave in such a way.
All or nothing thinking.
Similar to judgments, all or nothing thinking (or black and white thinking) can be use of thinking “good or bad” “right or wrong”. All or nothing is thinking in extremes or “either or”.
It’s like when we are angry and get stuck in thinking they are wrong and I am right. In reality though, the truth is likely more nuanced and contextual.
It might sound like:
You never let me talk.
It’s always been this way.
Everything is messed up. It will never get better.
You always take their side.
I never do anything right.
When you can’t see their perspective AT ALL, or cannot see the “grey”, it’s probably a form of all or nothing thinking.
Ruminating
Here is a sure way to fuel the anger: fixate. Thinking and thinking about the thing that made you angry. It’s definitely a way to feel in control, like you’re problem-solving or make sense of it.
Thinking while angry though is in tunnel vision, so it just leads to rumination, rather than anything productive.
Rumination can feel like:
Going over and over what you should have said or done.
Not being able to shut your mind off.
Overthinking
Can’t keep up with your thoughts.
Getting stuck on the “what-ifs” or “why’s”
Blame game.
Similar to all or nothing thinking, blaming is missing the context. Blaming purely yourself or someone else is leaving out vital information to understand the whole picture.
What do I do now?
Identifying these thoughts is the first step to separating yourself from them. When we distance ourselves from the thoughts that arise in our head, we can be more impartial. We can observe them and see them for what they are: not always factual or helpful.
Observation and letting go.
This is a mindfulness approach. One of the ways you can have a better relationship to unhelpful, or in this case angry thoughts, is to observe and let them go. Basically, this means we don’t want to get attached to our thoughts or tether ourselves.
Try this:
Relax and take a few deep breaths.
Pay attention to your thoughts.
Practice categorizing them into the past, present, or future. For example:
I need to feed the fish when I get home. This is a thought about the future.
My stomach is aching. This is a thought about the present.
Carry on as more thoughts arise.
Remember to let the thoughts pass after you've observed them.
If you miss one, or mislabel, let it go.
Or try this:
Relax and take a few deep breaths.
Imagine you are lying in a grassy field looking up at the sky. You see the clouds passing.
Think of each thought as being a part of one of those clouds.
Just notice.
Let go of each thought you are experiencing.
You cannot tie yourself to it, or judge them. You are only an observer of the clouds.
You can change these exercises as needed. The purpose is to practice stepping away from your angry thoughts.
We are not worried about the content of each thought here, we are simply practicing not getting caught up in any.
Generating other possibilities
Angry tunnel vision is real. Practice expanding your viewpoint and perspectives by trying to generate as many possible explanations for a situation as you can. Then compare it to your original angry thoughts that may have been judgmental, assumptive, extreme, blaming, or a fixation.
Example:
Someone rolled through the stop sign even though it was my turn to cross.
Me:
They think they’re better than me
So rude
That’s unfair
People always treat me this way
Why would they think they can just barge ahead?
Other possibilities and explanations:
Someone in the car was injured and they needed to get to the hospital
They were distracted
They’re fatigued from a really difficult job and didn't see me
The stop sign was partially hidden behind a tree and they saw it at the last second
Sometimes people make mistakes or act badly, and it has nothing to do with me
Angry thoughts can make our angry feelings worse. We must practice identifying our unhelpful angry thoughts so we can see them for what they are. Hopefully this acknowledgement, along with practice of observation and letting go, and generating other possibilities can contribute to your journey of managing your anger issues.
Check out these other anger management blog posts:
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
Maybe someone told you it was or it just feels out of control, but there is something about your anger that is making you ask this question. I’ll walk you through the anger issues that I typically see to help you answer: Is my anger a problem?