Is my anger a problem?
This is the big question: Is my anger a problem? Maybe someone told you it was or it just feels out of control, but there is something about your anger that is making you ask this question. As a therapist who specialises in anger management, I want to walk you through the anger issues that I typically see. This will then help you answer for yourself whether anger is a problem.
Anger is not bad.
First and foremost we need to clarify that it is not the feeling of anger that is bad.
Anger is not wrong. Anger is just a feeling.
This is where many people get confused. They may believe that when they have anger issues, they need to get rid of anger altogether. Nope. We actually need anger, like all other emotions. The goal is to have a range of emotions, and have an understanding and skill to manage them.
To clarify, you being angry about something is not bad. That part is fine. The issue with your anger is likely what comes with the anger, whether this be your behaviour or lack of control.
So let's break this down. I will tell you what I see people not liking about their anger experiences.
“I don't like how I behave when angry.”
This has to be the most common complaints about anger. When you get upset and anger builds, you act in ways that you later regret.
You may regret things that you say, like:
Name-calling
Mean judgements
Bringing up anything and everything that could be hurtful
Making a big declaration, like “I want a divorce”
Telling them what they need to do, a.k.a. talking AT them.
Intimidation or threats, “Oh yeah? You think you can just…”
Using sarcasm
Being passive aggressive, “No, its fine, really” while sulking
There is a misconception that when angry the truth comes out.
It is actually more that your protective responses have been triggered. You are in fight mode. So it is more likely that your words are reflective of your protective instincts.
Think about this example: “I want a divorce”
Does this person really want a divorce? Perhaps. Maybe it is something they have been thinking about off and on.
I imagine the more likely truth is that they want harmony in their relationship. They want to feel heard and understood. They want their marriage to go back to how it used to be. They want to know that their spouse loves them.
“I want a divorce” is protective. They are hurt and trying to move away to keep them from future hurt.
This may very well be a sound decision. Avoiding more hurt when the other person is unresponsive makes sense. The difference here is that anger may be acting as their protective armour. They may be intent on safety, and are unable to see other options.
The anger is blocking this person’s ability to tap into the more vulnerable, scary truths that might lead to a more productive and effective relationship conversation. This then could lead them to their real goal.
If you want to learn more, take a look at Olsen Psychotherapy’s blog post: Managing Anger in Relationships.
You may also regret things you do:
Storming off
Yelling or screaming
Giving the silent treatment
Throwing things
Physical harm to yourself or others
These are another set of what I call “anger urges.” You feel anger, then your anger entices you to act in a certain way. Think about it, “When I get angry I have the urge to [fill in the blank].”
My answer? I feel the urge to take control. I feel the urge to scream. Hence, the coping activity of screaming into a pillow.
Your body triggers adrenaline when angry, so of course there is an urge to “do something!”
Throwing things might feel good, like you are getting that energy out. Of course, we know we can’t do this because we like our things and don’t want anyone getting hurt. The point though, is that it is hard not to respond to an urge when angry.
“I go from 0-100 when angry”
Your anger feels like it comes out of nowhere. Somebody says or does something, and you just react without thought. You don’t sense the build up of anger.
I will let you in on something crucial here: Your anger didn’t come out of nowhere. You may have perceived it this way, for sure. Here are two ideas that might explain this type of anger issue:
You are unaware of the anger build-up
Before the outburst or big reaction that comes with your anger, there are things that happen prior, such as:
A trigger or event
Basically, the thing that made you so angry.
Meaning-making
Your assumptions or interpretations of the event, which may be accurate or not.
Anger thoughts
Connected to meaning-making, but are things you are saying to yourself in response to the assumptions you've made.
Core feeling
Is it anger? Sometimes there is something before the anger or underneath the anger, like sadness, fear, or hurt.
Bodily reactions
Emotions have physical reactions. In anger we commonly see things like tense muscles, feeling hot, clenched teeth, or racing heart
This may all happen quickly of course, so it is challenging to clue into all of these steps. That is what I help people understand in anger management therapy.
Your anger has purpose and meaning and doesn’t come out of nowhere.
We breakdown what might be happening prior to the big anger explosion.
2. You were already in a heightened state of irritability
Your emotional tolerance may be super low, so getting to anger is not that big of a jump. It is like when you are sitting at 90/100 for stress, then something happens. Of course getting to 100, the top tier of intense emotion, in this case anger, is not difficult.
Irritability is relevant here because I think of it as the state we all get in when our emotional capacity is tipping over into the red zone. We have little tolerance for things because we don’t have capacity.
So that little thing that would normally not be upsetting, is rage-inducing. Maybe even responding to your spouse, though they have asked a simple question, makes your blood boil.
There is weight being put on you to act and respond, but the foundation is already crumbling.
You might also feel like your anger is too intense for the situation. This means, the anger makes sense. You know that it is something to be upset about, but HOW angry you got was too much. Your anger did not fit the situation. For more understanding on how to deal when anger makes sense, check out Olsen Psychotherapy’s blog post: What to do When Anger is Justified.
So it is not that you go from 0-100. Perhaps it is that you were already at 90.
“My anger does not go away.”
You get angry about something then you keep thinking about it. The anger feels stuck in your body.
The persistence of anger is what might make anger a problem for you.
This sounds a lot like resentment. I think of resentment of the feeling of something being unfair and unjust, which is very similar to anger. Additionally though, resentment is holding that unfair and unjust thing in your emotional backpack and carrying it around with you. You feel like if you get rid of the stuff in your backpack that it would mean what happened never really mattered.
You want acknowledgement. That is the unfair part.
You want your experience to matter. You want YOU to matter.
Resentment is holding onto the injustice. Anger gives it life. If nobody else thinks it matters, I sure will.
This means, we have to go in one of two directions:
1. Make an effort to receive acknowledgement from an outside party.
Maybe this means having someone listen and understand, or maybe it is an apology.
Sometimes we don’t have the ability to or information on how to communicate anger or emotional experience to the person that hurt us.
Sometimes we are scared we won’t get the response we need or don’t know how to ask for what we need in general.
Sometimes we fear others won’t think what we are upset about matters.
All of which block us from moving in this direction.
2. Let it go.
Maybe our own acknowledgement is enough. And if it is not, then ask yourself, why?
Sometimes we don’t think our perspective, opinion, or voice is important enough.
Sometimes we question ourselves on whether what we are angry and resentful about is valid enough.
You tell yourself you are overreacting, yet the feeling is still there. If the feeling lingers, I bet it is important in some way. Perhaps you have not looked at the deeper meaning yet. Maybe you are not just mad about them forgetting that event. Maybe you are hurt because you feel alone in your relationship or unimportant to them.
Learn more about resentment in Olsen Psychotherapy’s blog post: Resentment in Relationships.
“It’s hard to calm down from anger.”
Another challenge you may have with anger is the amount of time it takes for you to calm down. You get angry then it takes up so much time to get you back to equilibrium. Here are some reasons this may show up:
Rumination
You get angry, but you get fixated on it. Your thoughts get in the way. When you continue to think about the thing that made you angry, it fuels the anger. Angry thoughts are the fuel to the anger fire.
Commonly, anger thoughts are going to look like:
Judgements
Harshly judging or labelling, like “I’m a bad person” or “This is unfair”
Mind reading
Assuming by guessing the others’ motivation.
All or nothing
Thinking in extremes, like either or: “I’m right, they’re wrong.”
Blaming
Purely blaming one person or event by leaving out context or alternative perspectives.
To learn more about this, read Olsen Psychotherapy’s blog: Managing Angry Thoughts.
2. Trauma-response
Some people who have experienced trauma have lingering effects on their nervous system. Their fear responses are more sensitive and heightened, which leads to challenges in getting back to baseline. For some people this may be situational. For example, someone may feel triggered when driving, but elsewhere in their life this sensitivity is less.
Importantly, some people may have a baseline that should not even be the baseline, but because of their past experiences, they may always feel on edge or hypervigilant.
Someone with a traumatic experience or experiences might take a long time to calm down because their body is protecting them fiercely.
“My anger feels out of control”
You feel anger so intensely that your ability to calm and act in a helpful way goes out the window. I might even say this is rage. This is where anger is intense and does not go away, often accompanied by aggression.
If this is you, I would say seek professional assistance. This would be getting a health check by a physician and/or a session with a licensed mental health professional, like a psychotherapist. The reason being, it can be a sign of something of something else going on health-wise. As well, this intense emotion that feels absolutely out of control can be dangerous and scary for yourself and others.
This is not meant to shame you for having intense anger. In actuality, I want to normalise for you that when given some context, your anger will make perfect sense.
Making sense of where the anger is coming from is the starting point for when anger feels out of control.
When someone comes to me with anger that is out of control, I assume that the actual “thing” that was upsetting during a recent anger event was not what actually caused the anger or rage. For the intensity of anger that comes up that would cause you to be out of control, I would always look to what other experiences you are carrying with you from the past that intensify your anger in the present. How can you feel better about those things so when anger comes up in the present it feels more constructive?
“I turn the anger towards myself.”
Aggression towards others is what we commonly think of when it comes to anger issues. Outwardly expressed anger is not always the anger urge though. Some people turn their anger towards themselves.
This anger might look like:
Self-punishment
You get angry then you deprive yourself. You don’t allow yourself to go do the things you normally like to do because you feel as though you don’t deserve it. You are punishing yourself for your anger. You may be punishing yourselves for angry behaviour or just getting so upset, as if you shouldn’t have been upset at all. Some may go as far as depriving themselves of basic care, like eating, hygiene etc.
You might see aggression in a different way, like violence towards yourself. Also, self-harm, which often is used for relief or distraction.
Negative Thinking
You might get stuck in self-criticism. This is berating yourself for not feeling or acting differently. Whether it is “I’m too sensitive” or “I’m embarrassing,” the harsh criticisms that come when angry are harmful.
Maybe you get stuck in blaming others. Instead of criticising yourself, you get stuck in thought spiral of how horrible everyone else is. You might think, “It’s their fault this happened,” or “They are the ones who made me mad, so they have no right to…” Just like self-criticism, we get stuck in tunnel vision and can’t see the bigger picture or practice self-compassion.
This can be a tough anger issue to tackle because you are often dealing with it alone. You may not have feedback from others that says, “Your anger is affecting me,” which for some, pushes them to seek assistance with their anger issue.
Often these self-inflicted anger behaviours show a deeper wound too. This means, getting help for anger might look like taking a look at overall how you feel about yourself and how you can find peace so managing and tolerating the outside world feels more attainable.
“Other people tell me I have anger issues.”
This is common feedback that people coming to anger management therapy have. There is someone, like a spouse or friend, that has told them, “Hey, your anger might be an issue,” or “I don’t like that you take your anger out on me.”
If someone shows up with this story, they likely have already decided themselves that their anger is an issue. They also might be on the fence about whether it is an issue, but are wanting to explore this because they don’t want to lose the important people in their life.
Your perspective is most important when it comes to making decisions for yourself and your life.
And also, the feedback you get from your spouse, children, friend, or family member about anger should be taken into consideration. Sometimes we do not see the impact we have on others. Sometimes we can’t see the whole picture. It is important to trust that their views have merit and to help that guide you to seeing a fuller picture in regards to your anger.
So, is anger really a problem?
I think the simplest way to discern if anger is a problem is to consider:
Is there negative consequences to my anger?
For example, in the above article I give reasons people believe their anger is a problem, and the common denominator there is the negative consequences it brings them, like:
Hurting others’ feelings
Causing strain in their relationships
Inability to communicate healthily
Acting in ways they are later embarrassed about
Reacting intensely to situations that don’t warrant it
Never knowing when anger will be triggered
Feeling out of control
Difficulty enjoying life
Harming their self-esteem
Time-consuming to manage it
Exhaustion
Feels heavy to carry around
This is the most accurate determinant I believe because it is subjective. You get to decide whether the anger is affecting you negatively. Be cautious of this advice however, because dismissing others perspective of your anger can be protective, like “I don’t think it’s a problem, so it is not. It must be them overreacting.”
Remember to consider the perspectives of people you love and trust, along with your own internal compass to determine whether anger is an issue for you.
Also, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional support, like a psychotherapist, to help you navigate the question: “Is my anger a problem?”
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
