New dads struggle post partum too.
The topic of new dads is near and dear to my heart. As a therapist for men, I work with fathers everyday. I am also a mom, and got to watch my spouse become a dad to our babies. What I have noticed is that the new dad struggle is not talked about a lot. Of course moms' postpartum challenges need to be attended to and discussed. We just have to add the discussion about fatherhood too because I see new dads not knowing where to turn or thinking they are the only ones who are having a hard time with their new baby. I want to normalize this for you, so let’s discuss some of the struggles that men becoming fathers go through.
Transition to Fatherhood
Dad is not bonding with baby.
Yes, other dads and parents feel this too. You might have had expectations that as soon as you see your baby it will be magical. That is not what everyone experiences though.
Stressors, in which there are many, can make bonding a slower process. You may need time to adjust and get your footing as a dad and caregiver to a baby. It’ll come.
It is common for a mother to take a greater role in 1:1 times with the baby, especially if there’s things like breastfeeding happening or dad has to return to work. Something that can help is dads ensuring they are getting that 1:1 engagement time with the baby too.
Grieving who you were.
You are a dad now, which is great. You also are losing the old you though. Fatherhood requires more time and energy, and you just don’t have that to give to other parts of yourself. This is especially true for the first year of your baby’s life. It is difficult to make time for friends and hobbies. You don’t have freedom like you had before, which can be pretty jarring. Many dads and parents go through, “Is this all I am now? Am I just a dad?”
Fatherhood is a big life transition. It will take time to adjust. As well, as your baby gets older and less dependent on you day-and-night, you will get more and more space to carve out time for you. Baby steps (pun intended).
Fatherhood Anxiety
Am I doing fatherhood right?
There can be a lot of pressure to know everything or “do it right.” You want to be a good dad, so the motivation makes sense. I assure you, people leave the hospital thinking “what do I do here?” or “This thing didn’t come with instructions” (This was me!).
New dads can’t know everything. There is no preparation in the world that would have got you there. Do your best and be okay when you don’t know something.
Also remember, each baby is unique with different temperaments. It is one of the reasons why some people may have different experiences from their first and second child. We truly have to figure out how to do some things postpartum, as they come.
I want to do things differently from my father.
This might be something lingering underneath that anxiety. You might be thinking, “I want to be a different father than my father.” You put so much pressure on yourself to be a different dad that you end up overthinking everything you do or say. Trying to feel so in control about how the future will unfold is anxiety.
There has to be a balance between putting effort towards being a good dad and cutting yourself slack when things don’t go exactly right.
If you had a not so great relationship with your dad, you might also be feeling anger or sadness like you never have before. This is common for new parents because you start to think, “I love my baby so much, I could never act the way my dad did.” There is resentment there. Tend to that anger and sadness by acknowledging it. Use that as fuel to continue making efforts towards being a good dad.
Important too, when I see new dads talking about their fathers, I often hear a story of a dad who was inconsiderate, and intolerant of other needs or feedback. Maybe one place to start then is to remember to be humble. You are not going to be perfect. Listen to your parenting partner and your kids as they grow; Take in their body language and what they have to say. Collaborate with the people you are in relationship with.
To learn more about this this, check out Olsen Psychotherapy’s blog: How do I become a better father than my father?
Mental Toll of Becoming a New Dad
Burnt out & overwhelmed.
New parenthood is like being run over. You don’t know how much more lack of sleep or crying you can take, but you keep chugging along.
If you are a dad going back to work for example, that can be super challenging to work exhausted then come home and go into dad-mode. It is why we have to give more credit to parents; Parenting a little baby is a job. So now you have two.
Also, your spouse or the birthing partner will be recovering from birth. This is major. Dads can end up being caregiver to two dependents for a period of time, especially if it's a traumatic birth. This is a lot of responsibility.
Just know, we all feel this way to varying degrees. Of course, this overwhelm can be exasperated by how much help you have. We all have more or less support from families or hired help. If you do have the connections and resources though, reach out.
Children historically and in other places in the world are raised in a community. In the western world, we more often isolate ourselves during the new parenting process. Try not to do this. You need a nap.
Men suffer from Postpartum Depression too.
It is a misconception that fathers and non-birthing parents don’t experience postpartum depression (PPD).
From the research we have so far, about 8-10% of fathers suffer from PPD. It is most commonly seen 3-6 months post-birth, but still considered PPD during the first year of the baby’s birth.
Interestingly, dads can have hormonal changes during pregnancy and following, even though they have not carried the baby in their bellies.
You may be more at risk for PPD if there is:
History of depression
Poverty
Relationship conflict
Sleep deprivation
Young parent
Parenting fears
Unintended pregnancy
Scarff JR. Postpartum Depression in Men. Innov Clin Neurosci. 2019 May 1;16(5-6):11-14. PMID: 31440396; PMCID: PMC6659987.Here are some sign of postpartum depression to look out for:
Anger
Sudden outbursts
Impulsive or risk-taking behaviour
Irritability
Low motivation
Physical symptoms like headaches, stomach or digestions issues
Poor concentration
Suicidal thoughts
Withdrawing from relationships
Working a lot more or less
Horsager-Boehrer, R. (2021, August 17). 1 in 10 dads experience postpartum depression, anxiety: How to spot the signs: Your pregnancy matters: UT southwestern medical center. Your Pregnancy Matters | UT Southwestern Medical Center. Retrieved November 18, 2022, from https://utswmed.org/medblog/paternal-postpartum-depression
Postpartum Support International adds,
“One in ten dads gets postpartum depression, and up to 18% develop a clinically significant anxiety disorder such as generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder at some point during the pregnancy or the first year postpartum.”
(n.d.). Help for Dads. Postpartum Support International. Retrieved April 16, 2024, from https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/help-for-dads/Overall we still need more research on postpartum depression for men, but don’t discount the impacts a new baby and fatherhood can have on dads.
Relationship Challenges Post Partum.
If you are parenting with your spouse, your relationship will change post partum. This is inevitable. When you become a dad, your baby is dependent on you for survival. In the early years postpartum this is especially true. This means your relationship will not have the time and attention it may have had before.
This is not meant to be doom and gloom, that your relationship will fail. No, this is meant to have you shift expectations. Parents who are spouses struggle to give attention to the friendship and romantic side of their relationship.
The struggle in postpartum relationships is not only how to still nurture the romantic side, but adjusting to this new realm of your relationship: parents.
You were friends, lovers, roommates, but now you are also parents.
Because of this, you will have to figure out how to share responsibilities of being a parent and collaborate on how to parent.
In addition, if both of you are overwhelmed and exhausted, it becomes hard to turn to your partner and say, “Hey, I need a nap or a break.” This can end up causing a lot of resentment for new parents.
To learn more about couple relationships, check out Olsen Psychotherapy’s blogs:
New Dads Suffer in Silence
I see men in general struggle with suffering in silence. It is no surprise then that I see this with new dads too. To clarify, suffering in silence is when you are mentally or emotionally struggling, but you keep it to yourself.
This might mean you feel like you have no one to turn or that you feel like you can’t or shouldn’t share it.
To learn more, check out Olsen Psychotherapy’s blog: Why Do I Suffer in Silence?
Suffering in silence is exasperated though post partum because your partner gave birth. They are recovering physically and mentally, and maybe taking on tasks with the baby that you are not a part of, like breast-feeding or getting up at night. So you can be even more inclined to suffer in silence rather than speak up about how stressed and overwhelmed you are. You don’t want to burden them further.
Unfortunately, suffering in silence can lead to unhealthy coping strategies, like isolating or drinking. This makes sense though. When you hold everything inside as a new dad, it is too much to handle. Trying to numb or distract from the stress and overwhelm feels like your only option.
7 Tips for New Dads Post Partum
Balance self-care and care for your birthing partner.
Both of you understand and prioritize small breaks. Go play video games or read for 20 minutes or 1 hour, and give that uninterrupted time for your partner to go do that too.
When your cup is close to empty, have a signal for each other; “This is what we will say/do when we are in that danger zone…”
Have explicit, detailed, and direct conversations.
Ideally these plans would be prior to the baby, but better late than never. Have conversations about divvying newborn care responsibilities, intimacy expectations, how to talk to each other about stress, fears of parenting or what will happen to your relationship etc.
Then talk again. You all will have to adjust as things go along. Your expectations or needs may shift.
Be patient with your romantic relationship.
Attention to the relationship will look different. Think: intimacy or just generally attention. Your intimacy might look like hand holding, or a hug during this time. Or making each other coffee - how do you maintain connection in small ways?
Don’t suffer in silence.
Talk to each other about the stress and overwhelm, without getting defensive. You are both stressed. Period. If one of you struggles to see the others’ side, that person may be struggling with their stress being “seen.” It’s like,
“If I acknowledge your stress, it feels like our woes are equal. It feels like my suffering is less, which means my response to it is an overreaction. That makes me feel like I am failing and just can’t cut it as a parent.”
Talk to other dads. I assure you, that friend who had that baby and you didn’t understand why he disappeared, he’ll get it.
Talk to someone. Your mom, dad, a psychotherapist, or whoever. Start with, “This new baby thing is stressful. I’m exhausted.” Get it out.
Cut yourself some slack.
You will likely be pushed beyond your capacity as a first time dad. This is not a deficiency. You can’t keep up with everything you did before.
Lower your expectations. The dependency that a baby creates is a lot to handle. You will be less than perfect. That is okay.
Ask for help.
Can grandma rock the baby tonight so you get a few hours of sleep? Depending on your resources, who are the people in your life that get you a break?
There are professionals out there who want to support you (HI!). There is also likely professional services for new parents locally. This might be support for how to care for a baby, or psychotherapy and counselling services.
There are new dad groups popping up and hopefully that will continue. Check out: Dad Support Group - Postpartum Support International (PSI).
Remember: you are not the only one.
Just because we don’t say it out loud enough: “DADS STRUGGLE POST PARTUM TOO!” doesn’t mean other dads aren’t out there feeling stuck and overwhelmed. They are out there, and many more have gotten through to the other side.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
