Is jealousy in a relationship healthy?
Jealousy in relationships is a common issue. Maybe you are the jealous partner or one who feels attacked by your partner’s jealousy; Wherever you’re coming from, I want to provide you some perspective on the feeling of jealousy, when it’s problematic, and what can be done on both sides.
What is jealousy?
Jealousy comes from a feeling of threat which elicits fear.
The fear is loss and might be accompanied by fears of being alone, rejection, not being worthy or loveable, lack of safety or stability, or that you are dispensable.
Is jealousy healthy?
Jealousy is a normal human emotion, so it’s okay to have this feeling. What you might want to consider in answering whether the jealousy you or your spouse is experiencing is healthy is:
What is the intensity of fear that accompanies jealousy?
If the intense feeling of fear you have turns into control of your partner, then that is unhealthy. Jealousy does not excuse controlling behaviours or abuse.
Here is how we might see differences in our jealousy:
Healthy jealous thoughts & actions
Wanting to feel you are important to your partner
Increased feeling of love
Putting more effort into relationship so they are reminded of your investment
Desire to continue your relationship together
Feeling motivated to not take your partner for granted
Problematic jealousy
Intense feelings of fear of loss
Overwhelmed by insecurities
& Especially problematic when it looks like this:
Stonewalling: Refusing to engage in productive conversation with your spouse at all; You are preventing repair or resolution
Control over who the spouse talks to or what they do
Following or stalking them
Assumptions and paranoia over spouse’s behaviour
Monitoring spouse’s phone and social media
Needing to have access to them at all times
Feeling ownership over your spouse
Now, jealousy especially gets intensified when the connection in the relationship is not strong or has been severed in some way. This might be when there’s been infidelity, the relationship is new, or you've gone through a life transition like having a baby.
This is because we feel less secure. The risk of losing our spouse in times of disconnection is real. It makes sense. By learning to maintain or develop secure connection, we can help lessen those fear responses from jealousy.
How can I manage my jealousy better?
Let’s try to approach jealousy a bit differently.
The next time you feel jealousy:
Stop.
The worst thing we can do is act on our jealousy urge aka be impulsive. Remind yourself that it is okay to feel jealous and you can choose how to respond.
Own it.
Your fears and insecurities are about you; they are your feelings. Now, they can be triggered by our partner’s behaviour, but accusations are not helpful. Try: “I felt jealous when this happened. I’d like to talk about it.”
Self-soothe.
Sometimes we need to be able to calm ourselves and cope on our own with difficult feelings. In healthy relationships, we should also be able to turn to our spouse to help soothe us. This might look like asking for a reminder or validation from your spouse that you all are good, loved, or important
Respect boundaries.
If you don’t understand why they prefer things a certain way, ask. Try to understand why that boundary is important to them.
Long-term changes.
Work on those insecurities. Now, everyone has insecurities, but are there certain insecurities that are disruptive to your life.
Work on freely expressing jealousy or insecurity to your spouse, while also listening to theirs and providing a safe place for them to go to.
Have conversations with your spouse about maintaining connection. What does this look like? What causes disconnection? Find out how to strengthen the bond.
How do I deal with my spouse’s jealousy
Reflect
Firstly, reflect on whether your behaviour has created distrust. Your jealous spouse must take responsibility for their part and you can do the same. Reflect on whether their concerns resulting from jealousy has validity, like crossing boundaries you all discussed not crossing.
Understand & Reassure
Try to see where they are coming from. I asked your spouse who is jealous to seek validation from you. Now, this is your cue to provide. This might be all they need to feel better: “I can see how you feel that way. I love you. You are important to me.”
Support
Importantly, if you feel burdened by their insecurities that are from past relationships for example, don’t write it off as, “that's your problem!” We can be helpful to our spouse in giving reassurance and empathy in times when they feel unsafe, just as they should for you.
Overall, what I wanted to identify for you is: Seeing jealousy as a normal reaction that we can soothe by remaining connected to one another. This looks like giving and receiving love, empathy, and patience. Then also considering when jealousy looks like control and recognising that you can only do your piece in creating a healthy relational pattern when conflict arises. I hope this helps.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
