Resentment in relationships.
You’re here, likely wondering, “how do you deal with resentment in relationships?” I first want to share my experience with resentment with you. Maybe you can relate and this will help you understand this feeling a bit better.
How I understand resentment.
I have had a relationship with resentment for as long as I can remember.
Understanding my relationship to stubbornness has allowed me to see resentment clearer. Stubbornness is holding on to a position without seeing the others’ view, while resentment is waiting for acknowledgement.
Resentment is seeing unfairness and having it be invisible.
It’s waiting.
I realized I wouldn’t be resentful if it didn’t matter. Things that don’t matter go unnoticed and don’t usually latch on otherwise.
I may not want it to matter or not want to care. I may think caring beyond a certain timeline is sad or silly, as if feelings have an standard expiry date.
Resentment is held for things that matter.
I am holding resentment because there is meaning that is tethered to it. When the weight of something meaningful is unnoticed, like an invisible backpack, I keep holding it.
My resentment says:
“I need the existence and importance of this to be acknowledged. It means something. Until it is given the acknowledgement of its weight I will hold it. It matters. To let it go without acknowledgement says my experiences don't matter, that I don’t matter.”
It is unfair and I am bitter.
Sometimes I create it.
Having early experiences of not being heard or understood, I continue to hold my position, waiting for the moment someone will listen and understand.
What I have adopted though, is learning not to speak.
My voice causes others discomfort and may disrupt their peace.
When you stifle speech you can’t be heard. It’s hard to see this.
Instead I see the unfairness that my backpack is invisible, sometimes by my making, and bitterness ensues.
When acknowledgement does not come despite efforts, I must stop waiting and create acknowledgement myself.
It is not my first choice, but provides some freedom from the tether of resentment nonetheless.
My conclusion is to embody the importance of myself, my words and my experiences, knowing that relying on outside validation has its limits.
Recognition is to be strived for in relationships, and the meaningfulness of my experience does not have to be dismissed because another dismissed it.
How does resentment affect romantic relationships?
Bitterness
When our experience continues to be unacknowledged in the ways we need, the feeling of resentment grows stronger.
Everything feels tainted.
The things that normally would bring us together in our relationship, that would remind me of how great we are, now tastes sour.
Stuckness
It is difficult to move forward with the various parts of a relationship when resentment or resentments are holding you in place. How can I have fun with you, be intimate with you, and care for you in various ways (and allow you to care for me) when there’s this thing that has not been acknowledged to gravity it needs to be in our relationship?
Communication
All conversations start to be seen through resentment glasses.
Though a conversation might be happening about childcare or weekend plans, your resentment glasses are filtering your spouse’s responses.
Resentment affects how you interpret or understand their words.
Resentment creates a sensitivity to situations that would not normally affect your relationship.
Disconnection
Resentment can be like a tether pulling you back.
It is hard to remain connected to your spouse when you’re carrying the weight of the resentment.
Resentment is always in the room with you. This means your ability to be vulnerable with your spouse is stifled. Vulnerability is the crux of connection.
How to deal with resentment in relationships.
Make sense of it.
First and foremost: You need to understand the resentment in your relationship at its core.
What is it exactly?
Because I bet it’s not just that your spouse doesn’t clean up after themselves.
Is it that the lack of cleaning up brings of feelings of:
Being undervalued
Lack of support and aloneness
Not being able to count on your spouse, which overwhelmed you with stress
Feeling that you don’t exist in their eyes
Being dispensable
Fear of admitting a need
Shame for wanting attention
Know the significance.
Next, the most important thing to ask yourself is: How meaningful is this resentment to me?
This means: the thing that I am resentful about, is it significant to me? This is key because something that would be insignificant to one person is significant to someone else. So there is not one answer to: Should I be resentful over this?
Also ask yourself:
Is the thing I am resentful about telling of a larger issue that would be important to the health of my relationship to address?
How to cope when you decide the resentment is not worth addressing:
Sometimes we get hurt and we WANT the other person to ‘get it’, but also know the thing that happened is not so huge.
It isn’t telling of a larger issue or pattern in your relationship that is going to cause further rupture.
So you decide: I just got to let this one go.
In order to “let it go” instead of burying it again, you need to:
Acknowledge it.
Just because this resentment is not meaningful enough to bring up to my spouse, it doesn’t mean it is meaningless. I can still give the feeling space because it is a valid feeling to experience.
Giving a feeling space means saying to yourself:
“I feel [insert emotion here] because [insert reason here]”
2. Feel it.
After you acknowledge it, allow yourself to feel it. Feelings are like waves, let it run its course. Sometimes it’s even helpful to imagine it just like that.
Turn off the phone and distractions, take some breaths, and let yourself feel it, whatever it is: disappointment, rejection, sadness etc.
3. Acceptance
Acceptance is not saying you like what happened, it’s saying this happened and I can’t change that.
It is no longer denying reality. Accept you can’t go back and make that experience different.
Sometimes this step can include forgiveness too.
I can forgive my spouse for this action, even if I did not like it, but I am going to let it go and no longer hold this as a barrier between us.
How to cope when you decide the resentment is worth addressing:
Sometimes we don’t want to bring up something because it has been brought up before.
Remember that if you or your spouse is bringing something up again it is because it is still important and unresolved for them. It is still present.
My problem is our problem.
Their problem is our problem.
&
Just because they wouldn’t get upset over something, doesn’t make me getting upset over something not valid.
We are different people with different experiences.
These are important to remember when approaching a conversation about resentment in a relationship.
Try to be direct and transparent.
“I know we have talked about this before. I am bringing it up again because it is something I am still holding on to.
I will do my best to work on this on my own, but I also need your help.
What I need from you is [insert need here]”
I need…
“…to know that you truly understand my experience”
“…an apology”
“…to see that you are making effort to do this differently”
“…to understand better why you acted that way”
“…to get how deeply this event affected me”
“…you to repeat back to me what you heard, so I know that ‘get it’, that you understand my feelings about this”
“…you listen without interrupting, so I can express myself to you”
Final thoughts about resentment in relationships.
My hope is you find something here about resentment in relationships that hit home, something that made you feel seen.
Resentment is tough and it’s heavy.
The more we can share with our spouse and have them receive it with open arms (and do the same for them) the more those feelings of connection can remain strong.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
