How do you help someone with anger issues?
Anger is a perfectly normal emotion. We all feel anger at one time or another. What you’ve noticed though, is someone close to you, whether your spouse, friend, or family member, has anger management issues.
What we usually define as anger management issues is either:
Anger is intense and the strength of the anger does not fit the situation that triggered it.
Response to anger is problematic. The behaviour that happens after anger is triggered is harmful. This can look like:
Aggressiveness: Yelling, intimidating, throwing things, physical harm / assault etc.
Passive-aggression: Sulking, sarcasm, stonewalling, sabotaging etc.
Self-directed harm: Isolation, deprivation of basic needs, self-assault, abusive self-talk
Important to note: This guide is not applicable to domestic violence situations. So if you experience physical or sexual violence, emotional or verbal abuse, psychological intimidation, spiritual abuse, financial abuse, harrassment and stalking, or cyber violence in your relationship, this advice will not be applicable. Please visit Domestic violence | ontario.ca for more information.
How anger management issues may be affecting your relationship:
Walking on eggshells
You try not to upset them and find yourself “on edge”.
It’s uncomfortable to be around brewing anger or irritability all the time.
Filtering
Filtering what you have to say is normal in relationships because honesty usually needs a filter. However, unhealthy filtering is when you eliminate your needs and boundaries to cater to their anger that could come out at any minute.
The conversations become about tiptoeing around things rather than constructive communication.
Their anger management issue makes this feel totally unfair.
Isolation and loneliness
Having to walk on eggshells and filter yourself because of someone’s anger management issues is not okay. It’s lonely.
When someone has anger management issues, the communication is usually off, which means the connection is usually severed. Connection that maintains closeness and safety in a relationship. So even if you are around each other a lot, it can still feel isolated and lonely.
As well, you may find yourself avoiding the other person, which can be just straight up isolating.
How to help someone with anger issues
Your role is not to fix the other person. Their anger management issues are for them to overcome. What you can do as a spouse or loved one though, is support.
Seek out a physician
Sometimes issues with anger management, otherwise known as emotion regulation difficulties, can be a sign of a health issue.
There may be chronic disease, hormonal changes, depression, or substance use challenges etc. that could be contributing to the anger management issues.
You can inform them of this and support them in getting their anger issue checked out by their physician.
Encourage them to seek outside support
You are definitely not their therapist. You cannot figure out everything that’s going on inside them on their behalf. That is above you pay-grade as a spouse or loved one AND it’s just not something you can have all fall on you. It’s too much.
There are wonderful resources out there for anger management issues, like psychotherapy and counselling services, or support groups for others who struggle with anger.
Alternatively, if they are not ready to see someone face-to-face, there are resources like books and blogs (like this one) that can get them started on understanding themselves and their anger management issues. Check google, amazon, and your local library or bookstore.
Here are books I have used and recommend:
Master Your Emotions: A practical guide to overcome negativity and better manage your feeling.
Anger Management Workbook for Men: Take control of your anger and master your emotions.
Relational health
It is not your responsibility to fix their anger management issues, but as a spouse or loved one you can make sure you’re doing your part to maintain the health of your relationship.
This can be of great service to them helping themselves.
What does this look like?
A very basic way to understand this is to be accessible, responsive, and engaged (A.R.E.).
Accessible
Are you being open and attentive? Can you put aside your own defensiveness to understand? Remove that wall. Can they turn to you?
Responsiveness
Are you tuned in emotionally? Do you know their signals, needs, or fears? Can you know when they need comfort, rather than logic?
Engaged
Can they feel that you are “in this” with them, trust, even if you’re not in the same room? Being engaged is about being emotionally present. It’s having them feel they are valued and matter to you. This reminds them they are not alone.
A.R.E. is a concept originating from Attachment Theory (John Bowlby) and utilised in ‘Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT)’ developed by Susan M. Johnson.
How do you cope with someone’s anger issues?
Stay calm
This is way easier said than done when someone is angry. You don’t want to feel attacked and it’s overwhelming to be around someone who is emotionally escalated. Staying calm, if you can, is incredibly helpful though.
Just like you feel escalated emotionally when they are upset, remaining calm can help them get back to calm faster when you are.
Our moods can rub off on each other!
Anger is also like being in protective mode. Their anger is telling them to defend. So if you also get into defensive mode, the more they will likely double-down on that protective armour (aka anger and aggression).
Meet emotion with emotion
Our instinct with someone with anger management issues is to try to help them fix whatever made them angry through problem-solving.
For example, an angry someone says,
“That’s not what I asked you to buy, I asked you to buy X!”
What’s more effective for anger management?
“How about we do this…”; “We will make due by…”; “We’ll grab that next time”
“I can see you’re upset about that ingredient I missed. I’m so sorry, I can see how that’s disappointing”; “I get it, it’s disappointing. You were looking forward to cooking that meal with all the ingredients”.
The second option is what I call meeting emotion with emotion.
You are acknowledging that their feelings are valid and make sense.
Even if you disagree with how they proceeded (using a harsh tone or judgemental attitude), putting yourself in their shoes and understanding the motivation behind the anger can be helpful.
Once the angry someone feels understood, they are more likely to calm and take those great problem-solving suggestions.
Lastly, the angry someone may say “no, that’s not why I’m upset”, because we are not mind-readers and will get it wrong sometimes when trying to understand the motivation for their anger. If that’s the case, you might try “Tell me what I’m missing. I want to hear you.” Genuine curiosity can go a long way to bringing down someone’s guard who is angry.
Disengage
Here is your permission to leave situations that are abusive. And yes, we all can act abusive and not be in a “domestic violence” or categorically abusive relationship.
Your spouse or loved one with anger management issues does not get to yell, name-call, or be aggressive with you and still have the privilege of your presence.
You do not have to stay for that.
It is not emotionally safe for you to communicate with an angry and aggressive person who is unresponsive to your respectful engagement.
Check out this blog post: Why ‘never go to bed angry’ is bad relationship advice.
Spoiler alert: my advice is to definitely go to bed angry because when anger is too intense it can become unhelpful. You can’t communicate effectively or think as clearly as you normally would. So consider disengaging, meaning leaving the situation, as a perfectly healthy response to your spouse or loved ones anger management issues.
Come back when you’ve all had a chance to calm down and think things through.
You can say “I’m going to step away and we can talk about this later” or don't say anything if you think it'll be unhelpful to engage at all.
Boundaries
Knowing whether to engage or disengage with someone with anger management issues will depend on the boundaries you’ve decided, which includes capacity and preference.
Capacity is going to mean:
Do I have the emotional energy to have space for the other person’s stuff?
How much am I able to tolerate without sacrificing my well-being?
This will totally vary person to person.
That capacity, along with your preferences for your relationships with your loved ones, is going to establish your boundaries. So you need to tap into these to know what your boundaries are.
For example,
“I prefer to not text about my relationships. Emotionally-charged conversations for me are in person”
“I prefer communicating with you when our voices are on the calm side. This is most helpful for me to understand others and be understood”
SO…
What I can give and what can I tolerate?
Where am I flexible on this and where am I not?
For example,
As a new mom, my capacity for others was small. Engaging in others' emotional outbursts outside of my children was not an option for me.
My relationships needed to be supportive ones, and I couldn’t tune into other’s needs the same way at that time in my life.
My boundaries shifted in many ways at that time.
My boundaries looked different then.
Final thoughts on helping someone with anger issues
It is so hard to live with someone with anger issues. You love them and want to be with them in a way that feels comfortable. This post is to help you understand and do what you can. Remember though, you can only do your part to support and the rest is on them.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
