Tips for Building Self Esteem
You want the confidence you show on the outside to match your insides.
Others see this cool, confident person. Like nothing bothers you much, like you know exactly what you’re doing. They see this happy, joking person. This attracts others to you. It attracted your spouse.
It’s not until someone gets really close to you that they see how hard you are on yourself. Because of this you’re used to keeping people at a distance so they can’t see the cracks.
You’re not even sure anyone knows the real you.
They don’t know that things bother you, actually REALLY bother you. Like you can’t let something go that others might see as not a big deal. You just keep thinking about it and going over an interaction you had a week ago.
What they don’t know is that you are 1000x harder on yourself.
Sometimes you catch yourself judging other people, noticing their flaws. You even notice when you get upset you find yourself telling the other person the flaws you notice in the heat of the moment.
You’re way harder on yourself though.
They couldn’t imagine the conversations happening in your head. Those conversations are kind in comparison.
It’s also really really hard to say when you’ve done wrong. Like you get choked up, and just hope it goes away instead.
Admitting you’ve said or did the wrong thing would only show the cracks.
It’s confusing. You show confidence on the outside, but you know you don’t feel it on the inside most of the time. This doesn’t mean you don’t have it. For example, you can be confident in the work you do career-wise, but still not feel good about yourself overall. This means you have confidence in your skill, but low self esteem. Everyone has some form of this, even if it comes up only once in a while.
What you’re seeing though is that nothing ever feels good enough, and you don’t feel good enough.
You can see that you have these wonderful things going on for you, whether that’s your job, kids, spouse, or hobby. You should feel good and grateful. But you don’t. And you don’t know how to let your guard down to get it out.
You want your confident self that everyone sees to match your insides.
What all those with low self esteem need to know:
As a therapist and fellow human, I want you to know that:
Low self esteem is a lack of security within yourself and in relation to others.
This can be a result of feeling criticised at crucial points in your life.
It can also be from lack of support and communication from others in your early life, which left you trying to make sense of the world on your own.
Unfortunately, not getting that validation and sense or surety leaves you always searching for how to do better and be better, but the urgency never goes away. It never feels good enough.
Oh, and also living in a society that prioritises men being competitive and “successful” over building their ability to regulate their emotions and build relationships. OF COURSE it never feels good enough!
Tips for building self esteem:
Find out the why
Whatever it is for you, finding out why you never can get to that place of feeling confident can be really helpful. Learning the “why” is helpful because then you can recognize how much your behaviour makes sense, which makes it much easier to have compassion for yourself.
So, start with: learning about what those conversations in your head are saying and why. What’s underneath? Let’s figure out why you recoil from a compliment or never feel grateful. This doesn’t come out of nowhere. There are roots to the ways we see ourselves and we can dig a little deeper.
Challenging the negative conversations you’re having with yourself.
When the conversations in our head always go back to how you could have done better, or you just can’t stop thinking about them, you feel like you’re not in control.
You can shift the conversations.
That negative person talking in your head is a hurt and fearful part of yourself that is trying to protect you (in a messed up way…). It’s protecting you by “trying to make you better” and “preventing rejection” (again, in a messed up way, but totally makes sense).
This negative talk is automatic. SO try talking back. There’s another part of you that can recognize the negative talk for what it is. That part of you CAN see the good things you do or the parts of your personality that others seem to like too.
Remind yourself of those parts and practice compassion for the parts that are still hurt and scared.
Practice acceptance.
We can’t control what we can’t control. It doesn’t mean we don’t make an effort to change and influence situations that are not bringing us happiness or bringing us stress. It’s just that sometimes there isn’t really anything we can do about something right now.
So when you’re thinking and thinking about something and not letting it go, it’s good to learn how to accept it didn’t happen how you liked and move on.
Stop pretending.
There are people in your life who love you, but if you keep pretending like everything is ok and stuffing things down and avoiding their pleas for conversations about what’s going on with you, you will only become more distant.
One of the greatest connectors in relationships is sharing something important or personal.
This is it. You can learn to bring someone(s) in to the know about your low confidence and feel okay about it. It’s okay to lean on someone else sometimes.
Communicating this might sound like:
“Hey can we talk?”
(Getting consent to have a serious conversation because not everyone is in the right headspace for this)
“This is really uncomfortable to talk about for me because talking about feelings and stuff hasn’t been my strong suit”
(Letting them know this is a vulnerable moment for you so they can be sensitive to that)
“It would feel good for you to just listen”
(aka this is what I need from you right now)
“I always feel like what I do isn’t good enough, that I’m not good enough. I think I’ve always felt this way. It’s hard to take a compliment or be happy when things are going right. It makes me fearful I’ll lose you and everything else.”
(Narrating the difficult experience)
“Please know you can’t fix this or solve this, but just having you know this will help. Maybe it will help you understand me better and why I react the way I do sometimes. Actually, just having you be here and in this relationship is helpful for me.”
(Expectations, wants and needs)
Now try this out in your own words. Imagine what this would sound like when talking to your spouse or friend.
Also, a reminder that having intimate, deep, and close relationships with others that feel safe, helps you in feeling good and secure within yourself.
Live within your values
Sometimes we can get lost in life. We end up with a life and see ourselves behaving in ways that don’t align with our values.
This happens everyone.
One thing that can help build that confidence is to re-align yourself.
What is most important and why?
There are many “values” lists online you can take a look at if your’re unsure. I like this activity here: VALUES ACTIVITY.
Then keep going. Even when you fall off the path you can remind yourself of these values and hop back on.
Thank you for reading about tips for building self esteem. If you have any tips you add that would be helpful for others to know, please share in the comments.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
