Why should men go to therapy?

We are no longer in a time where men can just bottle things up or numb themselves to deal with their emotions. Well, they can ignore feelings and numb, but their relationships and community are demanding better from them and FOR them.

Men, your spouse wants a connected partner, and your children want a present dad. This means getting to know your emotional experiences better, addressing your internal struggles, and becoming more self-aware so you can be more content in this life.

Men are realising that maybe talking it out in places like therapy is just another health tool, like going to the dentist, the gym etc.

As a therapist who specialises in therapy for men and anger, seeing this gives me hope that men can continue to access this outlet (therapy!) and everyone in their relationships and community get to reap the benefits of their mental wellness and relational skills.

What do people go to therapy for?

Men and people in general go to therapy for many reasons. It’s not like in the past where largely therapy and counselling were for severe mental illness or chronic emotional issues.

Therapy can be for many things. What I often see as a provider for therapy for men, is men coming to therapy for:

Mood Challenges

Aside from relationship struggles, mood challenges are the most common reason I see men coming to therapy. 

Men who seek out therapy for mood challenges are finding themselves in a state of negative feeling for longer periods of time and don’t know how to change that.

They feel stuck and helpless, and rightly so!

It’s aggravating to such from bad moods then see it affect your spouse, kids, or even work, but not know how to change it.

Here are some common mood challenges…

Anger/irritability

I am a therapist who specialises in anger management, so this comes up a lot for the men I see. Of course, this could be the nature of the work I do, but anger is actually a more normalized feeling and permissible expression of emotion for men. Men are told to not be emotional, to be “strong and not “weak”, but this leads to holding in emotion.

When you hold in emotion and don’t deal with it, it can sometimes end up coming out as anger and irritability.

Of course, there are many other reasons anger or irritability might come about too, like chronic pain/health issues, or a significant event that was anger inducing.

Depression or low mood

Depression unfortunately has become more common for men, or perhaps it was not identified as easily for many years because being less emotional or stoic was “normal” for men and less a sign of depression than what we saw in women. 

Depression can bring men into a dark hole where negative thoughts are seen as truth. It’s hard to fight it. I have a favourite saying that I think encapsulates this experience,

“Depression makes you think it’s a cave when it’s really a tunnel”. 

In addition, with men not given the emotional education they needed because men being less emotional was expected and encouraged, they are thrust into adulthood without the skills of emotion regulation. This makes fighting something like depression even more challenging.

It is much harder for men to be resilient when they haven’t been given tools to manage mood and emotion.

Stress & Overwhelm

Stress is a normal response to the pressures of life. There comes a point though when stress isn’t manageable. Then stress becomes overwhelming. 

What I most often encounter as a therapist for men is the belief that “I just need to cope with stress better, but don’t actually need change my life,” or “I am failing to deal with life, I just need to be a better, stronger person by coping better or being more efficient”

A.K.A. stress is a moral failure. 

This is bologna.

You are enough.

If stress and overwhelm are creeping up management is going to look more than “I need to be better”. Therapy is one of ways you can get help to sort that out.

Relationship struggles

I often see men who struggle with their important relationships, like spouses or kids. This is so common because we don’t always see healthy relationships growing up.

We may not have learned how to fight in healthy ways or be a connected, present partner.

In addition, for those men with mood issues, your relationships will inevitably be affected. 

Some men decide to do individual therapy to talk about how they can be a better partner, or pursue couples therapy, or both.

If you go the route of individual therapy for relationships struggles, you’ll be taking a look at how you can do your part to contribute healthily to the relationship or just work on ‘you’ so you can overall bring a more content and confident you to the relationship.

Some men will also seek therapy after a break-up or divorce. This is a f*ing hard transition to make in life.

Coming out of a long-term relationship where your lives were entangled is rough. You need support.

Therapy is a space to talk about the grief of the loss of your partner, all the feelings that come with it (the good, the bad, and the ugly), and figure out how to move forward.

Alcohol use

Men are more likely to turn to substances when it comes to mood challenges. Though things like alcohol can be a means to relax or socialise at times, for some men it turns into something more habitual and for the purpose of numbing stress or emotions.

It can helpful to learn to turn to your emotions and talk about your experiences, rather than turn away from them, in other words drinking alcohol to forget for the short-term.

Those worries always come back though, and that what therapy can help with: How can I get more attuned with whats going on inside and learn to tolerate that so it doesn’t feel so overwhelming. Then alcohol might seem like less of a necessity or go-to coping activity.

Of course there are circumstances where alcoholism can take hold and our bodies can become reliant on it. So if you are a regular alcohol user and thinking about stopping, remember that the effects of alcohol withdrawal can cause serious damage or death.

So make sure you are telling someone about this plan, monitoring your symptoms, and accessing health care services to keep you safe.

Should I go to therapy?

That’s up to you! Therapy is one tool for getting help, having support, or making changes.

Some people may seek therapy when not in distress, but simply want to talk about some things and get support.

Others, of course, feel therapy as something they need more urgently.

Common reasons people finally decide to seek therapy:

Avoiding

You start avoiding the people, place, and things you normally were drawn to. In other words, withdrawing.

Difficulty managing

You don't know what to do. Some may even fall into “hopelessness” where they don’t see how things can get better.

Others are concerned

This may be controversial because therapy is a personal decision. Often though, if our important people are concerned and being affected by our struggles, it’s an indicator reaching out for therapy might be a next step.

Benefits of therapy

• Stress relief

• More fulfilling relationships

• Make sense of behaviour

• Learn about oneself

• Improve communication skills

• Overpower negative thoughts

• Manage emotions

• Curb anger

• Stop avoiding others

• Turn off bad habits

• Coping with grief

• Feeling engaged in life again

• Understand your resentment

• Be a better partner

• Lessen overwhelm

• Navigate conflict

• Work on goals

Remember that therapy or counselling is a tool to support you, build skills, and manage mood or just life. It’s not the only tool to manage, but it is a good option that I hope men continue to seek out.

Hopefully with time we can break the stigma and men can be open about seeking therapy.

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.