What to do when anger is justified.
One of the key components of anger management is identifying: Is my anger based on the facts of the situation or am I responding with anger because I have assumed some things I don’t yet know to be true (or aren't true at all)?.
In other words…
Does my anger fit here?
An example of this would be if:
Your friend did not show up on time to pick you up from the airport. You’re pissed.
You think, “That’s not what friends do” or “I would never do that to them” or “They don’t even care that I’m going to be late for the babysitter”.
You later learn they got in a car accident on the way there.
Would your reaction be different if you had had all the facts here? I know I would.
Your anger was a response to the little information you had: my friend did not pick me up on time. You interpreted or assumed a reason for their behaviour and intentions.
Now, what I want to talk about today is: What do we do when that anger is justified?
For instance, imagine the same scenario as above where your friend was late picking you up from the airport. Your friend later tells you “I didn’t think it would be a big deal to do a few errands before picking you up and thought you could wait” or “I forgot”.
In these scenarios we have more information and you have determined that an angry reaction makes sense for you. Them not picking you up and why it happened makes you mad.
As a therapist who specializes in anger management, here are some ways I might proceed when my anger is justified:
Calm down.
What I know for sure is that deciding what to do with the situation when you’re at the height of anger is no help.
We get a bit of tunnel vision when we have strong emotion, in this instance: anger.
It’s important to find ways to calm your body down so your thinking, problem-solving, analytic part of yourself can come back into working order.
Then, and only then, can you make a more balanced decision about this situation you’re angry about, that will better serve you in the long run.
I have just the thing to get you started. Here is my previous post on: How to calm down when already angry.
Understand the anger.
If we have a strong reaction to something, it usually means it’s important, so we should try to understand it.
Understanding will help us to know how to proceed and eventually be able to let the anger go.
So when a situation, like the example above, happens and we feel justified in that anger, I want you to think about:
What is my emotional response? Anger yes, but anything other feelings?
What thoughts are going through my head?
Why am I angry? Where is the anger coming from? What is the meaning of this?
Example answers might look like:
My emotional response is:
Anger.
I also feel:
Frustrated, annoyed, insecure, hurt, disappointed, confused, sad.
My thoughts are:
This isn’t what friends do.
I can’t believe they would make me wait around for so long.
Am I the problem?
Why can’t I ever have someone in my life I can rely on?
I can’t believe they would do this to me.
I really thought they were a friend.
How did I not see this coming?
They don’t even care.
Why am I angry?
My friend not showing up at the airport when they promised to has made me angry.
I am reminded that I often put effort into relationships with others, but don’t feel as if I get the same amount of effort back.
This makes me feel not important.
Sometimes I even wonder if I am inadequate in some way that many people in my lifetime have disregarded my feelings.
I thought this person could be a friend I could be close to and rely on, but am once again disappointed.
It makes me think whether I should trust my own judgment when it comes to relationships, which further adds to my frustration and sadness.
Understanding our emotional experiences, in this case anger, allows us to know ourselves much better. Luckily, practice with this stuff means we get faster at understanding: why am I feeling this way?, which means we can then make balanced decisions more quickly and be much more resilient.
When we don’t understand important and intense emotional experiences, that’s when it goes unresolved to simmer underneath. We then repeat the same patterns, making ourselves feel stuck.
Problem-solve.
Can I do anything about the anger experience?
When trying to figure out how to proceed with the situation that incited the anger, I want you to ask two questions:
Is this rupture meaningful to me?
Is this relationship important to me?
If you answer yes to both, then a conversation is likely needed.
Unless… you decide the solution to the anger problem is not going back to the situation that caused it. For example:
Ending the relationship that would not feel safe to communicate in.
If the answer is less than two yeses, then it may mean “letting it go” to be a better option.
Remember, letting something “go” does not mean you ignore or push away feelings. You still got to feel the feeling, in other words ‘ride it out’.
Letting it go in this sense means I don’t need to involve the other person that I think incited the anger. So what can you do? (See the “reduce feelings of anger” section below).
Communicate your anger experience.
If the rupture was meaningful for you and this person is important to you, it’s time to talk.
Some questions to ask yourself before engaging:
What do you want out of this? Example:
I want them to understand how their actions made me feel
What would be helpful to repair the relationship? Example:
Accountability for their actions
An apology for the hurt they caused
Tips for communicating your hurt:
Set an expectation for what you need in the conversation. This is helpful when you and the other person tend to fall into defensiveness.
Try: “It would be helpful if you waited until I finished telling you about my experience and why I am angry, before you jump in.”
Avoid assumptive language
For example: “You did this because…” or “You don’t care about my feelings”
Instead, try to talk about the facts of their behaviour and how it impacted you.
For example: “I feel hurt because I was relying on you to pick me up. When you decided what was okay [delaying picking me up and doing errands instead] without seeing if it was okay for me, I felt my feelings and what I wanted were disregarded. I was really disappointed”
Reduce feelings of anger.
Have a conversation with yourself (a kind and compassionate one!).
We can’t always problem solve. Sometimes whatever caused the anger is a situation that isn’t worth trying to change or maybe you understand the intention of the other person is good and you just need to go lick your wounds instead.
Provide yourself validation for how you feel:
I’m allowed to be upset. My anger makes sense.
That was a sensitive spot for you, so OF COURSE anger and sadness would come up.
You’ll get past this, emotions are not forever.
Shifting perspectives
Maybe this is for the best. This situation gave me information about the relationship that I needed to know.
I can see that their intention was not to cause harm. I can forgive them for that, even if the status of our relationship has changed.
Allow yourself to be upset.
Sit with it. Don’t cling to it, just allow the anger to exist for as long as your body feels it necessary, like a passing cloud.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
