Why telling men to “express their feelings” is not enough.
When we talk about men’s mental health and pressures of masculinity, we often come to the conclusion that they need to express their feelings. I truly believe in that conclusion, yet we can’t leave it at that.
Men expressing their feelings is more complicated than “just do it”, “share how you feel!”
In this post I want to explore why telling men to express their feelings isn’t enough, and how we can approach improving mental health for men in ways that considers the more complicated nature than typically presented.
Firstly, I want to be clear that:
Men SHOULD talk about their feelings!
This does not mean you have to be the best at it or want to do a lot, but sharing feelings and thoughts is important for mental, emotional, and relationship health.
If you’re wondering:
“but, does it really matter?”
“can’t we let men be men?”
Then let me explain…
Expressing how you feel is a behaviour that is not specific to one gender. We can say it more typically is seen with women, but much of this is due to living in a society that says women are allowed to care and show affection.
And frankly, if men and women are going to have relationships, we can’t have women be the only ones being expressive. From what I see as a therapist for men who have challenges in their relationships, their spouses end up taking on more emotional labour.
This means spouses ultimately take on more responsibility for maintaining emotional connection, monitoring and caring for their own emotional wellbeing AND their partners’, and leading and navigating conversations of emotions and health of the relationship.
That is A LOT to take on!
Let’s be clear on the benefits of men expressing feelings:
Your spouse or loved one is not guessing how you feel and ‘walking on eggshells’
It can increase closeness and connection aka intimacy in your relationships
Saying things out loud can feel relieving because your not holding it all inside
If others respond empathetically, it can feel validating, like what you’re feeling makes sense. This feels good!
Not feeling or processing emotions can be really stressful on our bodies and cause health issues in the long-term.
Now that it is clear that expressing feelings can be a great thing, let’s explore…
3 reasons why telling men to express their emotions is not enough:
“I don’t know what I feel”
Sometimes we just don’t get the emotional education we needed from our families or other important people growing up. We felt the physical sensations of the feeling, but it was never labelled ie. sad, frustrated, jealous, hopeful. This may be because parents or other important people:
Fail to identify and teach this because they were never taught it either
Discourage feelings because they’re uncomfortable with it or it is inconvenient. They don’t know what to do with them and they have their own stuff going on that makes it difficult to tune into yours.
Discourage feelings because they believe it is a moralistic failure. Big emotions are weakness or impolite. This is especially true for caregivers who hold idealistic views about men reserving emotions, and men presenting as stoic and “strong”.
Naturally, without seeing the expression of feeling by others and having help to label emotions, you can grow disconnected from them. The physical sensations that arise when feeling are not easily identified.
Men can also get really good at pushing away feelings automatically.
It is not even purposeful anymore, they just push it aside and create distance from it.
3 Tips for identifying feelings:
Practise observing body sensations.
When we have feelings there is a bodily reaction. Think anger and clenched fists, flush of heat, head pressure OR grief and fatigue, chest pressure, tearing eyes, numbness. Your body is connected to emotion. Maybe not always this strongly, but it is.
SO start observing.
What does it feel like when your anger is building up?
What does it feel like when you wake up in the morning?
How about when you drive up to your workplace? …
Mindfulness meditation practices are wonderful for building this skill.
2. Name it.
Feel that in your body? Now what is that experience? Let’s name what that is.
Feelings Wheel. Google it! It is a wheel… duh, but it has names for emotions and similar ones that can help expand your vocabulary and give you new words for feelings that might fit your experience better.
For example, do you feel sad OR is it rejection, shame, disappointment, hurt, grief, loneliness, regret, agony, guilt, or powerlessness?
3. WHY are you feeling this?
You might know right away, or it could take time. Often this is what I do with clients in therapy. We work together to figure out what about their experiences elicited this type of emotion? I ask a bunch of questions and we both try to understand and make connections. Sometimes how we feel is hidden behind shame or guilt because we feel we should not feel a certain way or we have many emotions at the same time… because life and relationships are complicated. Example. When someone passes away you may feel grief and sadness AND relief.
“I don’t know how to express my feelings”
Of course you don’t know how to express feelings well or at all. It does not come easy to everyone, especially men who have been discouraged.
SO if a man does not know what to say or how to explain, telling him just to “express his feelings” surely is not enough.
As discussed above, you have to learn what you are feeling first. Then you must learn to use words to express your feelings.
It will take time to learn to do this, so an important part of expressing feelings with a partner, friend, or loved one, is to ask for what you need in the conversation to feel emotionally safe.
Emotionally safe means you are not worried about their response, you will be accepted even if they disagree with what you say.
4 Tips for how to express your feelings:
Try doing it alone.
Writing it down or talking out loud. Find a way to get the feelings and the expression of them out of your body. This is good for when you don't want or are not ready to share.
When expressing to others: What will give you more emotional safety right now?
Basically, what will make this less scary? Are there expectations that need to be set? How can they help? Is it saying…
“I feel weird sharing, but I need you to listen and understand even if you disagree”
“You may not understand, but I want you to try because I will do my best to explain what's going on in my head”
“Can you wait until I am done talking before you reply? This is helpful so I can get everything out without worrying that you’re focused on your response”
“What would be helpful is if when I am done sharing you say… ‘what I heard you say is…’. Having you ‘get it’ is most important right now”
3. Have patience for yourself and others.
You’re not going to get it right every time or ever.
Also, when telling someone else about how you feel, they will have a whole other set of emotions within them. They will not be perfect in their responses even when you ask for what you need. Obviously, there is a limit to the patience, but don’t write people off if they need time to understand what you are communicating. Are they trying? Because that's a good start.
4. Try to eliminate blaming statements if you express your emotions about a situation involving the other person.
For example, “You made me feel…”. Instead, saying “I feel… because..”. This looks like:
Example 1
“You made me pissed off because you never listen to anything I have to say.”
(Blaming, accusatory, black & white language - ‘never’, ‘always’)
VERSUS
“I feel angry because I want to know you have heard me and take my opinion into consideration too. It makes me feel dismissed and like you don’t care.”
(‘I’ statement, what need is not getting met?, further explanation of the feeling/experience).
Example 2
“You made me angry because you don’t understand what I’m going through and keep pushing and pushing me over the edge.”
(Blaming, assumption, blaming)
VERSUS
“I have been feeling really down lately. I know I have been explosive and I am so sorry for that. It is because I feel like I have no energy. What makes this more difficult is the guilt I feel for being this way then sensing that I am a burden to you. I want to know that you ‘get it.’”
(‘I’ statement, accountability, further explanation of feeling, identifying a need that is not getting met).
“I am not comfortable expressing my feelings to others”
Men may not feel comfortable expressing their feelings to others for good reason. It could be lack of knowledge or practice with these things, yes. It can also be other barriers we don’t acknowledge often enough:
The man may not have people in their life that are emotionally safe for them. Even if they follow guidance on how to communicate their feelings effectively, who will be there to receive it? If they have relationships that lack emotional intimacy and closeness, or maybe they are just unhealthy relationships… there is no one to turn to.
The man may have beliefs that being emotional is not okay. They might feel a lot of shame for talking about feelings and being vulnerable. Men are bombarded with messages about what it looks like to be “a man”, so even if they know they should talk to someone or want closer relationships, shame might stop them or make it REALLY difficult.
The people in their lives might also believe that a man being emotional is not okay. Let’s face it, men are not the only people who have unhelpful beliefs about gender. The people in their lives may be judgemental about an emotional man or one who is expressive. This is a huge barrier. The rest of us need to check our own discomfort and be open and non-judgemental for the men in our lives.
Men have feelings.
They may struggle with getting in touch with them because they have been programmed to ignore them or lock them or pretend they aren’t there, but they’re there. Men may also struggle to express their feelings AND men struggle to be vulnerable and express their feelings because there are barriers we don’t see, like the fact they might not have anyone or a safe person to turn to. For these reasons, telling men to just “express their feelings” is NOT enough.
I hope this post brings some insight into the more complicated nature of supporting men’s mental health. If you have some ideas as well, please share in the comments.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
