Why do I get so mad?
When something happens and your anger comes out again, roaring, unexpected, you feel a bit duped by your own body. How does this feeling keep coming up? Not only that, but why am I THIS mad? There has to be a reason. I’ll say this, our emotional responses aren’t so black and white. I wish they were, then it would be easier to make sense of them. I can guide you through some possibilities (or combination of possibilities) that may contribute to why you’re so mad.
#1 There’s a reason to be mad
Sometimes there’s just a really good fucking reason to be really angry.
Try to check the facts first, without assumptions or interpretations.
Example:
“She didn’t answer my phone call” FACT;
“which means she must be mad at me” INTERPRETATION.
Check the facts, gather all the information before having a conclusion. After this, you may still feel like “yup, my anger makes sense right now”
I’ll say this, if someone t-bones my car reckless driving: You bet your ass I’ll be really mad.
If you get really mad a lot though, and the intensity of the anger doesn’t fit the situations, then consider these other ideas:
#2 The Iceburg: Is there more underneath?
Sometimes our anger can be really intense because the situation has touched a wound. Sometimes that wound is so sensitive, your brain and body go into fight mode. It’s protection.
Sometimes the anger has something else underneath. That wound may be experiences of abuse or trauma. The wound could be sensitivity to rejection or feeling less than.
The iceberg means that we may only be seeing the small part of ice at the top above the water-level, yet there is SO much more underneath. You may see the anger up top, but it may also be sadness, fear, failure, envy, worry, embarrassment, or shame.
So your body may recognize this situation or situation like it that made you feel a certain way (ie. shame, fear) and it’s saying: protect, attack, stop it.
Basically, your anger may look big because your body is reacting to something so much bigger than just this situation.
#3 Managing our emotions can be affected greatly by our health.
Feelings can be intensified when we are already feeling unwell or dysregulated in other ways.
If you have ailments that you are dealing with, like mental illness or physical illness or injury, it will be more challenging to regulate or get back to a state of calm when an intense emotion arises. I would add that even going through an emotional period in your life, like grief, conflict with a loved one, change or loss of job, new baby etc. will impact your capacity to regulate.
We also cannot underestimate the power of basic care. It’s where the fun phrase “Hangry” comes from. It’s true. If we are not taking care of ourselves, like eating, resting, and moving, you are lessening your capacity to manage difficult situations and emotions that come up.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
