How do I become a better father than my father?
Firstly, wanting to know the answer to ‘How do I become a better father than my father’ shows an awareness of an issue. This is not a small thing. Think of the dads you’ve met that turn out exactly like their father who they complain about. These same fathers are not aware how they’re repeating the same patterns. You're here reading this, so you’re already a step ahead in breaking the cycle of parenting that did not work for you. You want to do fatherhood differently.
I’m keeping in mind too with this article that wanting to be a better father than your father may not mean you don’t like your father or even think your dad was a bad dad. On the other hand, there may be men reading that absolutely know their dad was not a good father and possibly not a great guy. So be aware the experiences vary and not all examples will fit.
Breaking the cycle
You may have heard of the term “intergenerational trauma.” Basically, it's how families pass on their trauma through the generations. It’s behaviours developed from trauma that we then unintentionally pass on.
For example, your grandfather was in an abusive home and learned to cope by not feeling his emotions. He went on to have his own family, and was emotionally unavailable and unresponsive. He was distant. His sons and daughters learned to be this way as well, and the trauma response is passed along. OR his sons and daughters could learn to be overly responsive to the emotional needs of others around them to make up for the emotional disconnect of emotionally “cut-off” members.
So, for you as a father wanting to do fatherhood differently, you could have experienced your own version of this. You may even see the pattern in the generations of your family. The first step is being aware of it.
Reflect on your experience
Obviously you’ve already done some reflection. You know the big stuff you didn’t get from your relationship with your father, but let’s dig a little deeper and see if there’s more to uncover.
You could start by asking yourself: What was it about your father that made you want to do fatherhood differently? Let’s flip that on its head though.
Fatherhood reflection exercise:
Suppose you went to sleep tonight as a man and woke up still yourself, but your younger self, a boy. Overnight a miracle has happened; Your father is there and he is the father you needed him to be. Ask yourself these questions:
How would you know he was that father?
What would you notice?
What would be different?
What else?
What would you see?
What would you hear?
What would you feel?
What would he be doing differently?
How would you respond?
Here is an example response:
How would you know he was that father?
What would you notice?
That he was there. I got up in the morning and he was present. He had helped my mom with breakfast.
What would be different?
He wasn’t just physically present, his mind was there too. He sat with me and my siblings, talked to us, and actually gave a shit about what we were saying.
What else?
He was nice to my Mom. He respected and appreciated her.
What would you see?
My mom is at ease, like she can be herself. She’s not tensely waiting for his request or reply to decide what to do next. She seems happy. My siblings too. It’s like everyone can enjoy each other’s company.
What would you hear?
Talking, but the good kind. Like one person is listening and another person is sharing without filtering themselves. My dad is asking questions and responding like what I have to say is important.
What would you feel?
Relaxed. At ease. Joyful. Close to him. Important. Like I belong. Like I don’t need to escape.
What would he be doing differently?
Showing us we all mean something. We’re not just planets in his orbit.
How would you respond?
I could say things out loud to him, how I feel, what I need, rather than just figuring out how to do it myself. I could go to school without feeling heavy, like I could just focus on what I was doing, being with my friends.
Reflection on your behaviours
We cannot look into the future to see if you’ll turn into your father. All you can do is continue to self-reflect, be aware of how you're interacting with your kids, and be open to feedback if you’re co-parenting. Then, when a behaviour is identified, find ways to improve.
So, are there already ways you behave that remind you of him? Or maybe there’s behaviours you’re susceptible to. Let’s say the behaviour you are not wanting to repeat as a father is outbursts of anger. You know you have a temper, but you want to be more calm when responding to your kids. 4 places to start:
Are you taking care of yourself? Ex. Sleeping, eating, balance of work/play, watching how much you drink/use substances. Being able to manage your emotions effectively is impacted by how you feel physically.
Have you read any books about the subject? Topics like: Ways to curb anger, finding calm
Join a support group ex. For other dads, anger management
Go to therapy. This provides individualised support for improving behaviours you’re not wanting to repeat. Therapy can help you see your blindspots: what are you not seeing?
Have patience & Keep trying
Important to know that in improving how you are as a father, like any self-improvement endeavour, is a journey, not a destination. You will surely repeat some behaviours, and what you need to do is get back on the horse. Repair with your child, apologise, and take action to do better. This means working on this behaviour, not just hoping you don’t do it next time.
Fathers: Remember individual needs of your children
Being a good father is also about the individual needs of your children. Our children are individuals born with different temperaments, their own personalities, and even in their short lives have their unique experiences. So as a father, having conversations with your kids and developing a relationship where they can provide feedback to you is important.
For example:
You may have wanted more affection from your father, and you have a kid who may want less; it’s just not their favourite way to be shown care.
You may have wanted more quality time with your father, and your child may desire more independent time with your guidance.
So it’s not about imposing your missed experiences with your father, but having in mind the positive ways you know to be a father combined with the input of your children.
Getting feedback from your child may look like:
“I love you. I know I don’t always say that. Do you like it when I let you know this?”
“Is there something that I’ve done to upset you that you’d like to talk about?”
“Have I done okay at listening to you?”
“Are there ways I can be a better father for you?”
Remember these conversations as their father may not be perfectly comfortable, especially if they feel they may upset you. It’s important to set the stage if you can. Saying something like, “You can be honest with me and I will not get upset, I just want to better understand”. Also, try to pick a time when they are not emotionally drained already ex. Long day of activities, sick.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
