Anger Management: Tips for getting started.

You have known your anger is an issue for a long time. You finally decided, “I need to do something about my anger”. The first instinct to deal with anger is to try to suppress it. This means, pushing down or avoiding it in an effort to make it go away or avoid those big angry reactions that are causing you problems. The secret of anger management though, is to get to know your anger really well. There’s lots of different skills you can learn to manage your anger effectively, but if you don’t get to know your anger really well first, you’re not going to be able to use those skills effectively. Think of it like building a solid foundation. Let’s see what you’re working with before building the house.

Anger is an emotion.

This may be obvious, but it’s important to make the distinction between anger and angry actions.

For example, a well known angry action is aggression. Aggression is not anger, it’s a behaviour, and anger is a feeling that can come before it.

Some people don’t get aggressive at all when they’re angry. Angry actions for others might look like the silent treatment or isolating themselves.

Triggering Events

Your anger doesn’t come out of nowhere (even if it feels this way). After you’ve calmed down and have time to reflect, try to recall what was happening just before you started to feel yourself escalate. Even if the event that triggered it totally doesn’t make sense, that’s okay. Usually there’s a nugget of understanding in there that you can piece together over time as you gather more information. 

For example, if you got really pissed off because you saw a really long line at the pharmacy, even though you were in no particular rush, there’s something about that situation that was triggering for you.

• It could be you are angry at yourself for not knowing it was a typically busy time at the pharmacy, and you hate feeling “stupid”. 

• It could be you are angry that this time could be used getting something else on the to-do list completed, but you’re standing in line instead; not feeling productive may be triggering for you.

To help you get started, there are some broad categories when it comes to triggering events for anger. So as your thinking about what brings up your anger, think about these 3:

1. When physical or emotional well-being is threatened (or others). Ex. someone is rude to your spouse at a party.

2. Stopped from achieving an important goal. Ex. Your laptop breaks as the deadline for a job application looms.

3. Physical or emotional discomfort or pain. Ex. Chronic back pain that makes every task more difficult.

Common examples of events that trigger anger.

• Crowds

• Waiting in line

• Job loss

• Feeling disrespected

• Someone disagreeing with you

• Chronic pain

• Your opinion not taken seriously

• Driving in traffic

• No getting what you want

• Betrayal

• Texts or calls not answered

• Overwhelmed

• Being late

• Kids not listening

• Being criticised

• Losing something important

• Taken for granted

• Being interrupted

• Others entitlement

• Having too much to do

• Being excluded

• Seeing others mistreated

The possibilities are endless. What is important here is to learn what yours are. They will be specific to you because everyone has different triggers. What might irritate me may be something you can easily let go of and vice versa. It depend on our own life experiences, personality, what you are currently going through (ie. grief), or physical state (ex. Tired, hungry, pain).

Physical clues for anger.

Emotions have sensation in the body. Part of taking the first steps in anger management is to identify what anger feels like in your body. This will help you identify anger faster, so it doesn’t feel like it’s ‘out of the blue’. Typically you will feel sensations that provide you energy when it comes to anger.

Physical sensations for anger might look like:

• Dry mouth

• Clenched fist

• Sweating

• Grinding teeth

• Headache

• Stomach ache

• Beating heart

• Tingly

• Feeling hot

• Tensed muscles

• Faster breathing

• Tunnel vision

Reflect on the last time you felt angry. Can you identify those sensations? If not, practise paying attention to the physical sensations the next time it happens. Over time you will get better at being aware of what those feelings are, and being better able to stop it before it gets away from you.

Thinking clues for anger.

The thoughts that run through your mind when you start to get angry can be helpful clues to whether your thought patterns help or hurt your ability to manage anger. This is because thoughts are not usually factual. Thoughts are reflections of our interpretations. This means the way we think about a triggering event affects whether the anger will escalate and what we do next.

For example, a common anger triggering event is someone not taking our opinion seriously. This is not an event that triggers anger for everybody though because others may interpret this situation differently. If I believe my opinion is valuable and important, and even critical to the situation, I will be angry when it’s not taken seriously. If I believe that this other person is smarter than me, and self-conscious about my knowledge on the subject, I might feel embarrassed or small.

So we need to look at what thoughts surround the feeling of anger to get a better understanding of how it affects the anger escalating or existing.

Some thoughts to look out for:

• I can never catch a break.

• It shouldn’t be this way.

• That’s not okay.

• This is unfair.

• They’re wrong.

• This shouldn’t be happening.

• I can never get it right.

• They shouldn’t be doing/saying that.

Common anger thoughts have to do with thinking something is unfair or should be different. Think about what goes through your mind when angry. Come up with examples of your own.

Anger urges.

When we feel anger, we will get an urge to act on it. We might be more aware of this one.

If you are saying ‘I need anger management’, it’s often because anger is causing behaviours that are affecting your life or well-being. Those behaviours that your anger motivated you to act on are your anger urges.

You need to think about what you get the urge to do AND what you actually do. Both will be important.

Do any of these anger urges feel familiar to you?:

• Yelling

• Screaming

• Name-calling

• Insulting

• Defending

• Throwing an item

• Pushing

• Destroying

• Talk over

• Make you opinion known

• Protect

• Isolate yourself

• Hurt yourself or someone else

• Seek revenge

• Confront

• Say how mad you are

• Prove them wrong
  Sabotage

• Aggression

• Intimidation

• Driving or walking faster

• Ignoring

• Avoiding

• Complain

Often these urges are about either moving away from or toward. So when you are going to confront or say how mad you are you are moving toward. When you are isolating yourself or not answering messages you are moving away.

It ‘s also important to identify what you do well. Are there actions you take when angry that have helped situations? This may differ from situation to situation. For example, you use your voice to let the person know why you are angry. This can be great, but sometimes the situation isn’t ideal for this. Like if you’re in an argument with someone who is aggressive and not hearing what you are saying, it may be safer to disengage and leave the situation altogether.

Getting better at anger management.

Continue to become more aware of the signs and signals: triggering events, physical sensations, anger thoughts, and anger urges. Monitor, write them down, and get to know your anger really well.

It’s helpful to reflect on past experiences, but becoming aware in the moment is going to give you the next data. So keep practising this.

Keep a chart with these columns:

Date/Time - Situation - Physical Sensations - Thoughts - Urges - Actions

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.