Is it bad to not talk about your feelings?

Modern social expectations will tell you that you should talk about your feelings. This hasn’t always been the message, especially for men. Men and their families have always felt the impacts of keeping all the emotions to themselves, it’s just now that those relationships are increasingly voicing the need for men to do so. There’s good reasons for this though. Never talking about your feelings can have negative consequences for your mental health and relationships.

Benefits of talking about feelings:

Relief

Saying how you feel out loud can feel relieving. It doesn’t mean everything is solved, but saying how you feel helps make the feeling less intense. Having the emotion feel less strong can give you a better idea on how to deal with the situation that caused the feeling. (Your thinking brain doesn’t work as well when you are having strong feelings).

Validation

Saying how you feel out loud and having someone respond empathetically is relief and validation. Often when we are prone to not talking about our feelings it’s because deep down we believe our feelings are not valid or worthy of being acknowledged. That is why you ignore or pretend they’re not there. You can give yourself that validation too though, even if you don’t have an empathetic responder. Remind yourself “This is how I feel & others don’t have to agree”.

Process emotions

Saying how you feel out loud brings relief and can be validating, which in itself is a way of processing emotions. To go further though, processing is also letting yourself feel the feeling without holding onto it too tightly or ignoring it (just allowing it to be). AND processing can be making sense of that emotion. Emotions are signals. Your body is responding to something and knowing why you have the response is going to help you improve your mental health and relationships. You can’t make sound decisions in your best interest if you aren’t aware of why and what of those emotional responses. It’s basically getting to know yourself.

Better relationships

Saying things out loud in your relationships can increase closeness and connection aka intimacy. Not sharing how you feel can make relationships feel surface level. 

Also, if we aren’t sharing how things affect us, how can we effectively problem-solve conflict with our spouse or friends? They may end up missing something or not gettin it right, which increases resentment for you but they don’t know what they don’t know. Sharing feelings is giving them more information to collaborate with you in the relationship.

You may feel lonely as well when you aren’t sharing emotionally. You can be in relationships with people and not be alone, but still feel lonely. This is because you might only be showing others a part of you, what you want them to see, and not the real you.

Better health

Did you know that there is evidence that keeping all your emotions in and not processing them affects your health? Sometimes you might not only not share your feelings, but be disconnected from them, like it’s hard to know how you feel and understand them. How we feel is felt in our bodies, so your emotions are tied to all the various systems of our body ie. nervous, immune, digestive. Not feeling and processing our emotions can be really stressful on our bodies and cause health issues in the long-term.

Also, ignoring feelings can lead to mental health issues because ignoring them doesn’t make them go away. It can show up as anxiety, depression, chronic stress, or irritability.

To learn more, check out the blog post: 8 Downsides of keeping things in.

What you might be doing instead of talking about feelings

To provide you more clarity, here are some signs you aren’t talking about feelings and ways you might be coping instead:

Talking about the facts of the situation

So you’re able to talk about what happened and why, the details, reasons, explanations BUT never actually talk about how it makes you feel. This is called intellectualizing; You’re removing the emotion out of it to avoid the stress of talking about the event.

Find others to articulate your feelings

You seek validation and explanation in podcasts, books, music, professionals on social media. This is actually a great way to learn about yourself and your experiences. You have to be careful though, because this can be another way to intellectualize and avoid processing and talking about the feelings.

Ignore your emotions

You try to make the feelings go away. You don't pay attention to your feelings, but instead you avoid, pretend they’re not there, and even talk yourself out of the feeling. 

Doing this regularly allows painful feelings to manifest in other ways.

Escape or numb

This can be another way to ignore your emotions. This can look like using substances, video games, scrolling social media, tv, or self-harm. It might even look like using heavy distraction like immersing yourself in other people’s crisis or problems, OR switching environments. Ie. party or workplace.

Talk to yourself

You have a very active inner dialogue. You go around and around in your head about the ins and outs of the situation, feelings, assumptions, rather than saying it out loud.

You try to make sense of things, even play out “what I should have said”, “what they should have done”.

Final thoughts

Some of these ways of not talking about feelings are perfectly fine. It’s when you only rely on these ways and never say feelings out loud, risking not processing them. 

This is jarring if you are a man who has grown up understanding that expressing emotions like sadness, affection, or pain is unacceptable, unmanly, or weak. You may intellectually know that talking about emotional stuff is helpful, but there’s still a feeling of shame or self-consciousness that comes up when you do so. 

Practice expressing yourself with someone you trust or find a therapist. Over time your new experiences with sharing can lessen those feelings of shame.

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.