What to do when angry and can’t leave the situation.

Others may disagree, but I am a big believer in leaving the situation when you're angry and you want to avoid making anger worse. Basically, you want to stop yourself from acting on what your angry thoughts are telling you to do. When overwhelmed with anger though, and when we are still learning other ways to calm ourselves, leaving is the best option. What happens when we can’t leave though? I want to give you some tips on how to avoid making anger worse when you can’t leave the situation.

The best skill to avoid making anger worse in situations where you can’t leave is the STOP skill. Try this when you’re:

• With others, like kids

• In a vehicle, subway etc.

• At work

Step #1 - STOP

When you get the point that you know your anger is telling you to act in ways that are unhelpful, like yell, name-call, physically put your hands on someone etc., and you can’t come up with a helpful idea, or just don’t feel capable in that moment; Just stop.

This is something to purposefully remind yourself about when calm, that when I get to the point (you know which one) and I can’t leave but I want to avoid making it worse, I need to just stop. 

This means no talking or moving. You can do this.

Step #2 - Take a moment

Give yourself a minute! Your anger wants you to act. The emotion of anger actually gives you energy to act because your body is giving the signal to run away or protect. 

Instead, you are going to take a deep breath and try to shift focus. This can look like:

Visualizing

Close your eyes if you are able to. Imagine a calming place. This could be:

• Laying in a field watching the clouds

• Standing on shore letting the water cover your feet

• Playing fetch with your dog

• Fishing on the lake with the sun beating down

Moving your body

Usually I would say a sprint, walk, or other physical exertion, but you may not be in a space where that is possible. This movement will look different when you are in a situation you can’t leave. Instead, it may look like jumping jacks, stretching your body, or squats to get some of that angry energy out

Challenging your mind

Try to name as many countries as you can, count by adding +3, or playing a game on your phone. This is my favourite way to shift focus because you actually have to focus in order to complete the task.

Engaging the senses

Hear

Try noticing the sounds around you like cars on the highway or your own breathing. OR put on headphones and listen to music.

Smell

Light a candle, put on scented cream, or smell your coffee.

Taste

Chew fruity gum or take a sip of a bubbly drink.

Sight

Watch tv, the clouds go by, or people watch.

Touch

Feel the sensation of your feet planted on the ground, your bum on the seat, or back against the chair. Rub your hands on your legs, pet your dog, or feel a soft blanket.

Reminder:

Your mind is going to wander no matter what and that is perfectly normal. Just keep bringing your attention back to whatever focus you chose. 

For example, if drinking a bubbly drink: What is the sensation like? Is it sweet or bitter? Cold or warm? Notice the sensation after you swallow. 

This is a way to bring your attention to the moment, but on something else other than your anger. Focusing on anger can escalate the intensity of it. So giving yourself time to focus on ANYTHING else can allow your anger to not get worse.

Obviously, what you choose to focus on is going to vary depending on the situation. For example, please don’t close your eyes and visualise while driving. Try to decide a few things you prefer to focus on and practice when calm, so you can better remember when in a situation where you can’t leave.

Step #3 Observe

Observe your body.

What are you feeling other than anger?

What are the physical sensations? For example, is your heart beating, feeling sweaty?

What thoughts are you having? Ex. “I can’t believe they said that, so disrespectful”.

What is your anger telling you to do? Ex. yell, confront, silent treatment. 

Try to notice and label your experience. I am feeling angry. I did not like what they said. I feel overwhelmed. 

Observe the events, and try to be objective. What are the facts of the situation?

Think about what the consequences would be of reacting angrily. What would it look like if you raised your voice, said something rude back, or were passive aggressive etc.? What are the positives of not reacting out of anger?

All of this is to gather information so you proceed more thoughtfully, rather than impulsively.

Step #4 Proceed

You have stopped yourself from taking any actions, taken a moment to shift focus and reduce the intensity of your anger, and observed yourself and the situation. It’s time to use that information you have gathered to decide how to proceed. 

While contemplating about how to not make anger worse and the situation, also include what is best for the long-term. Our anger wants us to act NOW and QUICK to protect us. What we have to practice is considering whether those anger urges are helpful long-term. 

For example, If I let that person know how I honestly feel in this moment in a harsh tone, will it escalate or repair the conflict? OR do I wait until I can fully calm down, gather my thoughts and reflect on my feelings, and have a talk tomorrow where I can be in a state to communicate well and listen to them also? (My vote is for the latter option).

Acting on those urges quickly is when we end up with regret. We always want to strive for balancing our emotions with our thinking brain, which can most often lead us to a more balanced decision.

An option to proceed might be simple, like telling the person you’re with: “I am feeling really angry right now. It’s not a good time for me to discuss this. I am going to cool off and we can find a time to talk later.”

In the situation where you can’t leave and you don’t want to make your anger or the situation worse, you may not be able to get to the point where you proceed even. You might be really angry and thinking your way through this is not working. Keep shifting your focus so your body can continue to calm, it can take some time. 

In the meantime though, don’t feel the need to act. You can keep taking deep breaths, wait for the anger to subside or until you can leave the situation. This can be aggravating if you are with someone who wants to communicate with you. For those working on anger management, try some future planning.

This looks like telling your loved one:

“When I get really angry, I might not be able to respond to you. It is not because I don’t want to hear you or want to disrespect you. It is actually the opposite. I am trying to not make things worse. Sometimes I will have to leave or be quiet in order to gather myself again and calm down.”

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.