8 Downsides of keeping things in.
Are you someone who describes yourself as private, keeps things to yourself, or doesn’t talk about feelings?
Here are some ways that keeping everything inside without expressing or talking about them can actually do harm.
Allows painful feelings to intensify or build up until you explode
Keeping things in or ignoring emotions doesn’t make them go away. We need to process difficult, uncomfortable, or painful things in order for them to be released from our body.
By keeping things inside, you run the risk of the unwanted emotion becoming more intense and frankly, a nuisance.
You might notice your mind racing as you sort through a think about the thing that upset you. You might be feeling increased resentment and getting more fired up as time goes on and you continue to focus on the feeling.
What happens for some is that they eventually can’t keep it inside. They may end up exploding their anger on someone else, whether it’s who they were initially upset with or someone who happens to be there.
2. Long-term physical health consequences
There is evidence that repressed emotions, the ones where you have gotten so good at hiding and ignoring that you completely disconnect from them, can impact your health. Our emotions are tied to the various systems of our bodies, they’re not separate; think digestive, nervous, immune.
When we have intense emotions that persist and we are unable to effectively process them, it takes a toll on our bodies.
3. Increased risk for developing depression and anxiety
Similar to above, avoiding emotions doesn’t make the emotion go away. Along with physical health consequences, suppressing feelings can manifest into depression or anxiety. If you don’t cope with your painful feelings, your body will find other ways to do something with it.
4. Limits ability for others to get to know you
If we keep everything inside, others will only get to know you on the surface. You may be able to have fun with others and be social, but intimacy that exists with close friend or a spouse requires sharing.
When we have close relationships, we want to know why someone is the way they are or find pieces of each other we can relate to:
What’s your family like?
Who was your first relationship?
What’s the most impactful experience you’ve had?
Have you ever lost someone?
What is something you deeply regret?
Have you ever been in love?
Tell me what you’re passionate about.
5. Increased resentment because others are not responding in ways you need
We may learn not to put our “stuff” on others to inconvenience them or make them uncomfortable. We may learn that communicating needs directly is perceived as rude or aggressive.
What happens when we are not communicating and sharing about ourselves is that when others respond to us in relationships, they might miss things or get it wrong.
Because saying what you feel or want feels impossible, you continue on this cycle while increasing your resentment. You feel frustrated with others.
This is unwarranted though. We can’t expect others to guess.
6. Difficulty resolving conflict because communication about your true experience and needs is limited
Continuing from above, communication is severely tarnished when we keep things in. So when you get into a disagreement with your spouse or boss at work, you may find it difficult to say exactly what is upsetting or show that you are upset.
You are restricting the amount of information the other person receives. So how will they understand your views or feelings that are so critical to finding common ground? The answer is they won’t. One or both of you will walk away frustrated and not getting what you need.
7. Frustration for others who might try to start “mind-reading” because they see you’re distressed
Over time when others are in a relationship with you they may make adjustments in order meet your needs. This is putting emotional labour on the other person that is not healthy. Sometimes we do these things though because we want our relationships to survive.
You might see others trying to “mind-read” by guessing what you need and how they should respond. They try to sense your mood or decipher what you say to guess right. They’ve had to adjust and do this because they never get the true or full story of what’s going on.
8. Feeling of loneliness, like others don’t know the real you
If you are unable to answer questions from the section “limits ability for others to get to know you” with someone else, then you might end up feeling very lonely.
Not alone, but lonely. Because we can feel lonely even if we’re around others. Loneliness is a feeling.
Keeping things in and only showing people exactly what we want them to see, they will never get to know the real you. You may feel like the fear of others getting to know the real you and rejecting you would be too painful.
Is ‘keeping things in’ really a problem?
It’s important to read this and evaluate when there’s harm. I say this because you might read and believe you are simply “private” or take time to trust others. Keepings things to yourself more than others is perfectly fine. Keeping things in doesn't work though when it’s so consistent and persistent that:
Even after time spent in a relationship, like years for some people, you are still keeping things in
Your privacy extends to thoughts, feelings, and overall communication that are critical for a healthy relationship.
You don’t talk about your feelings or get emotional ever, and don’t have ways you intentionally process painful stuff
Citation
Elsig, C. M. (2022, January 24). The dangers of suppressing emotions. The CALDA Clinic. Retrieved November 23, 2022, from https://caldaclinic.com/dangers-of-suppressing-emotions/
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
