How to improve your long-term relationship.

Relationships take effort. Any dating or relationship advice that says you meet someone and everything should fall into place then smooth sailing for the long-haul is selling you what you want to hear. It’s one of those cultural understandings of relationship or marriage ideals that has gotten out of hand. We’ll give some credit to Disney and entertainment, but for all our sakes let’s stop participating in unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. If you really desire long-term companionship or marriage (ALSO a reminder you don’t have to desire this) then take a look at the following relationship ideas that are more likely to set you up for success:

Have & encourage a full life.

Sharing your life with another person is a great experience that has so many benefits. It is also easy to get lost in long-term companionship. Sometimes it’s seen as normal evolution to lose things that were once part of your life, while others can see that it was accidental. 

I encourage you to encourage your partner to have a full life outside of what you share. This will look different because what you feel is fulfilling and enjoyable will differ. You may love having many close friends and gatherings, while your partner will find golfing alone or dinner with their one close friend perfectly satisfying. You may share a love for working out then you go do that new art class alone without them. You may see a therapist while your partner finds writing stories a way to alleviate emotional weight.

There will be relationships where you enjoy doing most things together, I get that. That’s actually really special that you have that friendship. I still would push you to separate pieces of you. Have different friends, hobbies, or other things. This is because we don’t want our long-term relationship or marriage to be EVERYTHING (because it can’t). We need to have options to meet our own needs in different ways. To turn to your partner for fulfilment in all areas is not sustainable. They are flawed and so are you, and you and them cannot be everything for each other.

Don’t play games.

Please for the love of gawd let’s not be cryptic. We don’t have to get the relationship we want by influencing it in round-a-bout ways. Trying to manipulate our partner to get what we want, expecting them to mind-read our needs, or getting upset when your partner has violated your boundaries when you’ve never actually communicated any with them, is a disaster waiting to happen if it hasn’t already.

Acting in these ways is likely leftover stuff from your early relationships aka childhood and/or culturally influenced behaviour. Wherever it came from, you learned that clear communication is not going to result in your need or want getting met. You’ve learned to pretend to not have needs, or that others should just know, and when they don’t they’ve somehow failed and you’re in another relationship where it just doesn’t seem to be working. I see you.

There’s no secret sauce though. Adult relationships require clear asking, explaining, and repeating of wants, needs, and boundaries in a kind, patient, and respectful way. When you are not used to this, it’s so fucking weird and uncomfortable. That's what needs to happen though. If your partner is not fulfilling your needs. Have patience with them. If they violate a boundary, communicate again. We are all working on it. I know, there’s limits to this, especially the severity of boundary violation, but generally, keep being clear and kind. Don’t assume.

Make a safe & comfortable environment.

Don’t yell and scream or name-call. There’s just no situation in which this is okay. These behaviours are aggressive and intimidating, which leads partners to fear interaction. You're shutting down communication by doing this, not just in the short-term. 

If we need to talk about something difficult, we want to know that our partner is going to take the time to try to listen and understand, even if at the end of it all they don’t agree. Seeing things very differently or having different truths is going to happen. 

If your partner is communicating aggressively and using intimidation, you do not have to continue the conversation. That’s a boundary I encourage all long-term partners to have. Shut it down. Yes, we will all have moments where we lose our cool. Shut it down. Take time to calm and come back to the conversation another day. In those moments, you are never going to get to any resolution of the original quarrel, it’s just inflicting pain on the other person at that point because we are hurting ourselves. Read more about the myth of “never go to bed angry”.

Relationships will ebb and flow.

In long-term relationships there will be disconnection. This can be a bad day or week or month. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed or time to call it quits. To believe that our level of connection and intimacy is going to sustain at the same level is just setting yourself up for failure. 

There are so many events in our lives that affect us as individuals and as partners ie. grief and loss, having children, moving, mental or physical illness etc. We can expect that in those times different needs will be prioritised and you may need to discuss what’s important right now. Maybe your partner cannot be the emotional shoulder to lean on because they do not have the capacity. Your sexual connection and desire will likely change. What are ways we can meet our needs for the short-term or renegotiate with our partner the terms of our relationship? 

I’ll add that you may go through periods where you question everything. Maybe you’ll be really annoyed by them, dislike them, or feel hatred. There are ways to find reconnection in these instances and it’s perfectly normal. Also, (I know it’s confusing) sometimes ending relationships are the best option too. Some people just know that ebb is not one that they desire to have flow again.

Understand your sensitive spots.

We all have wounds and scars. If you don’t know what they are please find out. We really need to be responsible for our own stuff. This means self-awareness. 

A good place to start: What is your greatest source of conflict with your partner? When does it happen and what about? I bet your partner’s is different. If you get upset about the dishes not getting done, why? Yes, nobody wants to do them and you want them done. What about it though, what feeling comes up? Is it not feeling valued? Unimportant? Rejected? Alone? 

Having clarity about what your trigger points are, those spots that when touched cause intense emotion inside, will allow you to find practical resolution. You’ll know what you are asking for, and yes you need to ask (see ‘Don’t play games’ above). 

A common trigger point for some is jealousy. I’ll talk about it separately because it is so so common for romantic partnerships. This is something that you have to take responsibility for. This doesn’t mean it’s invalid. You can have those sensitive feelings when you see your partner talking to another person who seems interested. I get it. It’s not okay to then dump that on your partner as if they have fault for that feeling. If your partner asks what’s wrong it’s okay to note you felt a little jealous, but move on, don’t make it their responsibility to limit their life in order for you to stop having that feeling. Find ways to self-soothe. 

Now, the exception would be if your partner has violated a condition of the relationship. For example, you both have decided that touching in a sensual way, like giving a massage to another person etc. is overstepping. That’s a different story. That’s not about jealousy, it’s about talking about (and perhaps renegotiating) the terms of the relationship: what is okay for you and what isn’t, and where can you compromise?

Actively participate.

Do your part. This isn’t always going to mean 50/50. There may be times when you need to put in more or vice versa (please don’t have a running tab). Doing your part means that you are an active participant in how the relationship is structured and its health. You get to have a say in how you do things and how things are. Examples would be: How domestic labour is allocated, monogamous or otherwise, time spent together, handling conflict or disagreement. What’s the plan and parameters?

Take responsibility for your part. This means admitting when you’re wrong. It also means you should act in ways that foster responses from your partner. Do you want your partner to listen, understand, be kind, and communicate directly? Then do that. Don’t wait for them to act first. Acting first in ways that plant seeds of reconnection and safety back in the relationship can do wonders, before even getting into the conversation part. Act according to what the relationship needs. Think of it as a separate entity.

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.