Why don’t many men show their emotions?
It’s common understanding that men are less emotional. Of course this is a sweeping generalisation, but has some truth to it. A place where we go wrong is thinking they’re just born this way or that’s just how it is. This isn’t true. Men do have emotions and also there are reasons why they may show them less.
Everyone has emotions
We’ve already established that men do. In general though, we need to remember that:
Expressing emotion may look different for each of us.
We may deal with feelings in different ways.
We may have different emotions for different things.
Emotions and feelings are there though, even if for some they’re repressed.
Why might we see men as less emotional?
Expression is discouraged
Unfortunately, a norm taught in the name of masculinity is that showing emotion means you’re weak. For men, they’re encouraged to show strength. There is an expectation of how you present in public, or to others.
Let’s think about how in everyday life you or the people around you respond to a man who cries. Let’s imagine right now, you are sitting with a man and he begins to sob. He’s going through a hard time.
What's your first reaction? Are you repelled? Do you feel embarrassed for them? Do you want to do anything in your power to make them stop?
What do you say to him? What do you do?
How this situation makes us feel and how we respond gives us the answer about how we feel about a man showing emotion and vulnerability.
Now, you may be someone who is repelled or uncomfortable by anyone who is emotional. To make sure we are doing this example justice, think about how different your reaction would be if a woman was sitting with you who had been going through a hard time. She then begins to sob. In this situation, is your internal feeling different? What are your thoughts and reactions? What do you say to her (or not say)?
It’s important to note too, that men are less likely to seek help for mental health or emotional issues. They are less likely to seek a counsellor or therapist to talk about their struggles, emotions, and acknowledge their thoughts.
Discouragement in early life.
Our early relationships set the stage for our understanding of the world, how to be in relationships, our roles and expectations, and other core beliefs.
So, even though our childhood may have been a long time ago, when our little brains were forming we absorbed how to be. This still has an effect on who we are and how we are.
Think about how your parents talked about men. How did they describe the ideal behaviour of a man? What were their expectations of men around you? Did they talk to you about what kind of man they expect you to be and what would make them proud?
Think about how they talked about emotions. Did they discourage expression of “negative” emotions? Were you expected to “suck it up” or “keep things in”? Were the expectaions of emotional expression different for women in your life?
Discouragement through messaging
Even if you weren’t explicitly taught by your caregivers that emotions are weak, men receive messages in other ways.
We can get messages from commercials, movies, or other media about how a man acts who then goes on to get praise, respect, or female attention. Who was the “hero” you looked up to? Who did you think was the coolest guy and mimicked yourself to be?
It’s not just media we get messages from. Importantly, we get messages too from how other people in our lives respond to things. For example:
If we give our mom a hug as we get dropped off at school and your buddies laugh, that’s a message.
If you get upset and cry, and you don’t receive comfort like your sister does, that’s a message.
You may believe these experiences seem small, but a lifetime of little messages to ‘keep it in’ or ‘suck it up’ is impactful.
Emotional repression
If you learn that not feeling is ideal, overtime it can lead to emotional repression. Now, this can be for just certain emotions that you learned were not acceptable, like sadness.
Emotional repression is a total avoidance of feeling. It’s to the point that you don’t do it on purpose. You become disconnected from how you feel.
Emotions don’t go away though. They just show up elsewhere, such as expressions that are more socially acceptable, like an angry outburst.
If you don’t properly process or deal with emotions, it shows up in various psychological or physical symptoms, like anxiety, physical discomfort or pain.
Recommended read for this 'When the Body Says No' by Gabor Mate.
The exception: Anger
Anger is an emotion. So when a man is expressing anger and aggression, that is being emotional.
We don’t often recognize this because it’s a more socially accepted form of expression for men.
When we are not in touch with our emotions and/or don’t express them in their true form, many men gravitate towards anger as the go-to form of expression.
If this is the only time you are emotional, it may be a sign your emotional lexicon is limited and you may benefit from support in better understanding your feelings.
Ways we can be supportive of Men’s emotional expression.
We need to combat this idea that men shouldn’t be emotional or emotions are weak. Here are ways to make changes yourself and be an ally:
Reflect on your own reactions to men
If you get emotional yourself: feel it, share it, and practice expressing without being self-deprecating.
Encourage other men to share
When men do express their feelings, even if uncomfortable, be encouraging. Try:
“That’s tough”
“I’m sorry you’re going through that”
Say nothing, just a hand on their shoulder
If they say, “I shouldn’t be crying” or “I’m sorry for crying”. Try:
“Don’t be sorry, we all go through tough shit”
“Let it out man, no worries”
“I cried last week and it felt good, we all do it”
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
