Why do I suffer in silence?
To suffer in silence means to be alone in your pain. It means for one reason or another you are silent about what you are feeling inside; You are not speaking up about the suffering.
Why do I suffer in silence, you ask? A likely reason is the messaging we receive about emotions, which is what I want to share with you. I bet you can relate to this:
How we learn to manage emotions.
In our early lives with caregivers we learn how to manage our emotions (for better or worse!).
We learn in two ways: observation and experience.
We observe how the big people in our lives react to their own emotions and others.
An example of observed learning is watching Mom get sad, put on a happy face, and telling others she is fine.
Mom, likely unintentionally, is showing you that big feelings like sadness are to be kept inside and to mask that sadness to not cause others discomfort.
We have experiences or explicit messages, meaning someone told us outright about emotion.
An example of an explicit message is Dad telling you that “boys don’t cry”.
Dad is letting you know that crying is not an appropriate response for you as a boy or man.
These messages / lessons about emotions you received from caregivers may have been further reinforced by other people around you, your community, society, and culture.
Messaging that may lead to suffering in silence
Through observation and/or experience, you’ve received messages of managing emotions and learned that:
Emotions are…
A sign of weakness
If I have big feelings it means I’ve failed in some way. I should not be having them because strength means control.
My responsibility
My big emotions are a “me” problem. I need to take care of them internally.
To be contained
Those big feelings are to be locked inside. Push emotions down and away because letting them out is a failure.
Repellent / unattractive
Others don’t like my big feelings. In order to be liked and belong I need to “keep it together.”
Talking about emotions is…
Uncomfortable for others
If I say what I am feeling out loud, especially if the other person is connected to what caused my feelings, then I will create discomfort. I might even cause conflict or chaos that will make it worse.
A burden on them / not others problem
Saying my feelings out loud is selfish. My feelings are not their problem and will only cause them grief and stress.
Inappropriate and inconvenient
Talking about big emotions is unwanted by others and can even be rude. It’s a social faux pas.
A way to get attention / complain
Talking about my big feelings means I am a whiner. It’s a means of attention, which is not a good look.
Asking for help means…
I am weak / a failure
If I can’t deal with things on my own, I am weak. I am a failure. Strength is perseverance.
I can’t handle it myself
Doing it on my own is winning. Self-reliance and independence is what I should strive for; It’s what being “a real man” is.
It’s a real problem
If I don't ask for help it means I still have a chance to keep it contained and “save face”. Getting help makes it into something I have to tackle in the eyes of others, which is shameful.
What do these early lessons about emotions teach me?
In the present I may still hold beliefs like:
Suffering is my fault, I need to try harder
Others love me when I’m happy all the time
Contain my feelings and eventually they’ll disperse
Nobody cares, it's a me problem
They wouldn't understand
Self-reliance means acceptance
Emotional means I’ve failed
Now, you may look at some of these messages and interpretations and think, well these aren’t so bad? Independence, woohoo!
Here is why these messages about emotion management are not so great:
When we learn that emotions are weak or inconvenient to others etc., we feel shame if we let them out. Our self-worth takes a hit even though we are having very normal feelings.
Emotions are signs of what is going on internally, and if we keep them contained and don’t understand why they exist, our lives take a hit. Our relationships surely will fail because real healthy connection relies on vulnerability (and leaning on each other!). It relies on your ability to also sit with others feelings.
The messaging I shared above does not allow one to thrive, and to have good mental health and happy relationships.
Unhelpful messaging you have received about emotions is not your fault, but it definitely has contributed to an instinct to suffer in silence. Not only have you learned to keep everything inside, you may not even understand really what IS going on inside.
How to stop suffering in silence
Start small:
Find content to relate to, like books, movies, podcasts. It’s connection on a small level to make you feel less alone, like “hey, they deal with too!” This can be validating.
Write. Draw. Paint. Express it even if you are not ready to say it out loud.
Take some steps:
Send the letter you wrote about your experience to your loved one or read it out loud to them.
Have a conversation with a trusted person. Start by setting expectations/giving context that can ease the discomfort. For example:
I am really uncomfortable talking about this.
You don’t have to fix anything. I just need to get this out.
Thank you for listening.
I may not explain this all right, but I just want you to listen.
Your advice is welcome. I’m not sure what to do.
Join a group; hobby (ex. sports, book club), common struggle (ex. new dads, addiction)
See a therapist. It’s a therapist’s job to listen and try to understand. It’s a hard step to take, but worth it when you sort through the difficult feelings you’re afraid to tell loved ones.
If your suffering ever takes a turn for the worse. Remember you are not alone. Others have been there before and made it through.
Please seek out your mental health or medical provider. At the very least speak to someone in your life about what is going on and how you are feeling.
There are many options for crisis lines if having thoughts of suicide. Please consider:
Talk Suicide Canada 1-833-456-4566 Open 24.7 or text 45645 4pm-midnight ET
Hope For Wellness Helpline (for Indigenous folks): 1-855-242-3310 Open 24.7
Your local crisis line. For Crisis Response Services (Canadian Mental Health Association) in Thunder Bay 807-346-8282 | District/Toll Free: 1-888-269-3100 or Kenora/Rainy River Region: 1-866-888-8988
If are feeling like you may hurt yourself or try suicide, please contact your local emergency number or 911.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.
