Why “This is just the way I am” is holding you back.

How many of us have said, “This is just the way I am”, usually followed by, “Take it or leave it!” At first glance, acceptance like this is great. You are fine just the way you are. 

It’s more complicated than that though. If you often use this phrase when confronted with someone’s request, criticism, or opinion, it could be causing further unintended harm. As well, it likely has deeper roots from your past that you haven’t yet shaken.

Why do I use this phrase?

For those frequent users of the phrase “This is just the way I am,” it could be a way of protecting yourself. Your past relationships with family, friends, partners (whoever) have shown you that you need protection in certain situations. You have adapted to this protective stance of “Take it or leave it,” because you may not have felt accepted. It can also be from being criticized, like nothing was ever good enough. When we have these experiences it can cause us to get rigid when presented with a request to shift or change. We put up a block and say nope.

With our protective tendencies, they do what they are supposed to at the moment. They protect us from the threat. For you, the threat is rejection, hurt, pain, sadness. To accept that you may need to shift would be accepting there is something deeply wrong, that those people were right: you are not good enough. So of course there is a need for protection there. Tapping into that feeling is devastating. 

Negative consequences of using, “This is just the way I am”

The defense of “This is just the way I am,” may help keep you safe in the moment, and it is not good for the long-term. This protective tendency can cause further unintended harm. Using “This is just the way I am” can:

Prevent you from having sustainable relationships.

Relationships are collaborative. You decide how you want to structure the relationship, time spent: how much and doing what, and expectations of how you want to connect and communicate with each other. We cannot expect that we come to relationships and everything to be perfect. If we enjoy our time with someone, there are going to be those ongoing negotiations where you should reflect on whether your behaviour is helping or hurting. You do your own reflection and listen to the other person. This doesn’t mean you morph into whoever they want. It means consider your needs, consider theirs, and look at it from their perspective. 

This phrase can stifle collaboration and communication. When communicating with another person, the phrase “This is just the way I am,” is code for digging the heels in. It could be stopping an exchange where the other person wants their side heard too. Sometimes this can feel hurtful, but it may also be necessary to hear someone else out and consider their experience so you can collaborate on better ways to be with each other. 

If you are not considering the ways you are and how it affects the other person, you may be preventing deeper connection with them. You could be unintentionally communicating to them: “I don’t accept your experience or feelings.” In order to feel connected to another person, we need to be able to share our feelings and experiences. If your fear is always around the corner, ready to jump out and say “This is just the way I am,” the other person may end up backing away, or the connection stays on the surface.

Using this phrase can also limit growth in relationships. This is similar to making deeper connections. Specifically though, the growth that comes from working through our own fears by being vulnerable with another is growth. By actually accepting their experience and allowing them to see that less than perfect side, you grow in the same direction. When you use the phrase “This is just the way I am,” it can cause you to grow apart. Of course this is easier said than done. See ‘How to stop using “This is just the way I am”’ below for tips.

Stop personal growth

We never stop learning, but fear gets in the way of how well we learn the lessons. It’s a myth that in old age we are just set in our ways and this is how it is. No, it’s just hard to see or do different. For example, kids learn languages much better earlier on. They catch on quicker. BUT adults can learn too. It just takes a bit longer and requires more patience.

Change is good and inevitable. Accepting who you are right now, while also knowing that change is continuously happening is key. Both of these exist at the same time. This is how it will be for our entire lives. We do not reach a moment where we go, “I’ve made it. I am now done changing and learning and growing”. Enjoy where you are now and accept continued evolution.

Maintain the fear response.

You are continuing on an unsustainable cycle. For frequent users of “This is just the way I am,” you are protecting yourself from hurt. You don’t want to feel less than or unworthy, so you stop it in its tracks. What is on the other side of that though is opportunity. It is an opportunity for closer, deeper relationships, and a you that you can feel proud of. Working on this can get you to a place where you can listen to feedback from others, consider it, and have it not shatter you. You can think, “Oh, maybe I did cause that other person hurt and I can work on it, AND that doesn’t make me a bad parent, partner or human”.

When is it okay to use the phrase?

Sometimes we already know. The words “This is just the way I am” come out of your mouth, but you know that thing the person criticised you for is an issue. You just have heard it so many times throughout your life that you now see it as “you”. 

You have tried to change that thing and it was too hard, so “This is just the way I am”. Accepting you as a worthy human, and ignoring behaviours that could be hurtful are different. This is all more complicated.

We have to look at the thing that has caused the response of “This is just the way I am”. 

• Is it causing conflict or negative consequences?

• Is it something you feel good about? 

For example, George says “Jake, I don't like the way you dress, it’s weird”, and Jake says “This is just the way I am.” 

Jake likes the way he dresses, it makes him feel good, and it does not cause negative consequences for the important things in his life. If George doesn’t like Jake’s clothing, that’s their preference and that is okay. Now, George might need to consider whether that opinion was necessary to share, but that’s for another blog post.

On the other hand,

For example, George says, “Jake, leaving your clothes all over the floor and never picking them makes me feel ignored and undervalued,” and Jake says “This is just the way I am.”

Jake’s behaviour is causing conflict in their relationship and making their partner feel not valued because they end up always cleaning up. It doesn’t make Jake feel good to make their partner feel bad, even if the behaviour was unintentional.

How to stop using “This is just the way I am”

Observe when you use it. 

When you feel the urge to respond with “This is just the way I am,” that can provide a lot of info. What comes before this? What has the other person said? Is there a pattern of when you say it?

Take time to reflect.

If you get this urge to use “This is just the way I am,” you are triggered by something and likely emotions are strong. Don’t feel the need to respond. Say, “I am going to take time out to think and calm down.” After you feel more calm, reflect on what you observed. What might it be like from their perspective? Was what they were saying something you are proud of? 

Consider the source.

Working through what the request or opinion of you the other person had is not mandatory for every relationship. Working through your fear by coming back to the person to communicate is huge for you. You are working through stuff that has deep roots. You do not have to do this with someone who feels unsafe or you know is not going to be empathetic or patient with you in return. Start practising these tips with someone safe.

Show the other person you understand.

Even if you have admitted to yourself that what they were saying is not a behaviour you are proud of, you don’t have to have the perfect solution or confidence in making a change. Just acknowledging is powerful. Say, “I could see how that was hurtful to you.”

Share your willingness to adapt.

If you have acknowledged their experience, consider where you are at and what you are willing to do. Are you willing to apologise? Are you willing to continue thinking about it? Small or large, think about what’s next.

Get support.

Change is possible and hard. If the phrase “This is just the way I am,” feels familiar and this cuts deep, reach out. If not comfortable with the steps above, just start a conversation with a professional, like a counsellor, if you can. It is a space to work through everything that comes with this loaded phrase.

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.