When you’re in the middle of the fire, boiling over with anger, it feels like you are not in control. You can’t think. Before you can think properly again, you have to adopt some skills to find calm. Here are some of my favourite skills from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) to use when you’re already angry and want to calm down:

Proceed mindfully

This is where we take the information we observed and with our thinking brains starting to come back online, we can ask some important questions to ourselves to better know how to proceed. For example: What do I want from this situation? How do I want this to end (in other words, what’s the goal)? If I proceed in this way (X), how will that end up? If I proceed in this way (Y), how will that end up?

TIPP: These exercises are ways to engage our nervous system to decrease the intensity of an emotion. In this case: anger.

Temperature

This is where we want to change our body temperature quickly by using cold on our face. This looks like:

1. Taking a bowl of cold water, holding your breath, and dipping your face as long as you can until there is discomfort (commonly 30-60 seconds).

2. Use an ice pack or a bag with ice cubes inside, press onto your face (over eyes, top of cheeks).

3. Go to the sink, hold your breath, splash cold water on your face.

[Caution: this is not the best exercise for those with heart issues]

SELF SOOTHE: These are tools to find relief and calm by focusing on our senses.

Sight

When focusing on sight, you may think to yourself what you see. Describe it. Notice the colours of red you see. Do you see objects that are circular? Notice those.

You can find other ways to visually soothe, like going to look at the stars, looking through pictures that bring you good feelings, walk through a park, or look at items in a store.

Hearing

You may try closing your eyes for this if comfortable. Then focus: What sounds are heard? Hum of the refrigerator? Dog barking outside? Just notice.

Other ways to soothe through hearing are listening to your favourite music, going near water to listen to the waves, turning on the radio, or listening to birds chirping outside in a tree.

Taste

Eat or drink something. Take your time. Notice the taste: Sweet? Salty? Sour?

This might look like eating your favourite food that brings good feelings, going to get something to eat at a new place you haven’t tried, a soothing drink like coffee, tea, or smoothie, or chew flavourful gum.

IMPROVING THE MOMENT - This is about making this moment easier to tolerate when anger feels overwhelming.

Imagery

This is also called visualising. You’re both distracting and bringing in good feelings by going to an imaginary place. It’s helpful to have already imagined this place. Know what it is so that when you are angry you can bring it to mind more quickly.

So tell me, what does this place look like? What does it feel like? Smells? Does it have furniture and wallpaper? Is it outdoors with the breeze brushing your face? Where does the anger go? Is there a lock on the room preventing it from getting in? Is it being washed away at sea moving farther and farther away?

Meaning

Sometimes it’s helpful that even in difficult moments, there can be meaning. Though this moment is hard, is there a lesson, or fuel that can come from it? (Some may believe that sometimes there are times where we are in pain or are suffering and it has no meaning or lesson. This is a perfectly okay perspective too). 

Prayer

This does not have to be religious affiliated if that doesn’t fit. It’s just a way to sit in the moment with focus on the intense anger and opening yourself to a favourite saying or prayer. You might have something in mind that relates to accepting the anger and the feeling of no control.

The best way to get better at these skills is to practice them when you’re not angry. You can’t think clearly when your emotions take over, so we have to know the tools and have them in our toolbelt ready to go (so not as much thinking power needs to be involved). This can mean writing them on a piece of paper OR just getting good at one or two of them, that really may be all you need. 

These tips are a part of Distress Tolerance Skills taught in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT).

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.

References

Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT (R) Skills Training Manual, second edition (2nd ed.). Guilford Publications.