If you are someone who deals with anger management issues, you know the angry thoughts that go through your head can make anger much worse. Emotions and thoughts have a back-and-forth that happens. You have a thought first (or feeling like anger; chicken or the egg, right?) then anger starts up, then you have a thought that takes it up a notch, which fuels more anger and so on.

One way to approach anger management issues is to target those thoughts. Let me tell you what you can do to manage those angry thoughts and not make the anger worse.

Judgments can also be unhelpful sometimes though, like when we start harshly judging, or labeling the situation or person as “bad” or “wrong”.

Judgment can also look like thinking:

• This is unfair.

• They shouldn’t be doing that.

• They are wrong.

• This is disaster.

• I’m a bad person.

We might think:

• She thinks she’s better than me.

• He thinks that I’m lazy because I showed up late today.

• They don’t care about me

• They’re going to think I’m overreacting, so I’ll keep it to myself.

• They are trying to upset me

• She’s not answering the phone because she‘s not interested anymore.

• They did that on purpose

We might think these things and have no idea what actually motivated that person to behave in such a way.

Ruminating

Here is a sure way to fuel the anger: fixate. Thinking and thinking about the thing that made you angry. It’s definitely a way to feel in control, like you’re problem-solving or make sense of it.

Thinking while angry though is in tunnel vision, so it just leads to rumination, rather than anything productive.

Rumination can feel like:

• Going over and over what you should have said or done.

• Not being able to shut your mind off.

• Overthinking

• Can’t keep up with your thoughts.

• Getting stuck on the “what-ifs” or “why’s”

Observation and letting go.

This is a mindfulness approach. One of the ways you can have a better relationship to unhelpful, or in this case angry thoughts, is to observe and let them go. Basically, this means we don’t want to get attached to our thoughts or tether ourselves.

Try this:

• Relax and take a few deep breaths.

• Pay attention to your thoughts.

• Practice categorizing them into the past, present, or future. For example:

  • I need to feed the fish when I get home. This is a thought about the future. 

  • My stomach is aching. This is a thought about the present.

• Carry on as more thoughts arise.

• Remember to let the thoughts pass after you've observed them.

• If you miss one, or mislabel, let it go.

You can change these exercises as needed. The purpose is to practice stepping away from your angry thoughts.

We are not worried about the content of each thought here, we are simply practicing not getting caught up in any.

Generating other possibilities

Angry tunnel vision is real. Practice expanding your viewpoint and perspectives by trying to generate as many possible explanations for a situation as you can. Then compare it to your original angry thoughts that may have been judgmental, assumptive, extreme, blaming, or a fixation.

Example:

Someone rolled through the stop sign even though it was my turn to cross.

Me:

• They think they’re better than me

• So rude

• That’s unfair

• People always treat me this way

• Why would they think they can just barge ahead?

Other possibilities and explanations:

• Someone in the car was injured and they needed to get to the hospital

• They were distracted

• They’re fatigued from a really difficult job and didn't see me

• The stop sign was partially hidden behind a tree and they saw it at the last second

• Sometimes people make mistakes or act badly, and it has nothing to do with me

Angry thoughts can make our angry feelings worse. We must practice identifying our unhelpful angry thoughts so we can see them for what they are. Hopefully this acknowledgement, along with practice of observation and letting go, and generating other possibilities can contribute to your journey of managing your anger issues.

Check out these other anger management blog posts:

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.