How many of us have said, “This is just the way I am”, usually followed by, “Take it or leave it!” At first glance, acceptance like this is great. You are fine just the way you are. 

It’s more complicated than that though. If you often use this phrase when confronted with someone’s request, criticism, or opinion, it could be causing further unintended harm. As well, it likely has deeper roots from your past that you haven’t yet shaken.

Negative consequences of using, “This is just the way I am”

The defense of “This is just the way I am,” may help keep you safe in the moment, and it is not good for the long-term. This protective tendency can cause further unintended harm. Using “This is just the way I am” can:

Prevent you from having sustainable relationships.

Relationships are collaborative. You decide how you want to structure the relationship, time spent: how much and doing what, and expectations of how you want to connect and communicate with each other. We cannot expect that we come to relationships and everything to be perfect. If we enjoy our time with someone, there are going to be those ongoing negotiations where you should reflect on whether your behaviour is helping or hurting. You do your own reflection and listen to the other person. This doesn’t mean you morph into whoever they want. It means consider your needs, consider theirs, and look at it from their perspective. 

This phrase can stifle collaboration and communication. When communicating with another person, the phrase “This is just the way I am,” is code for digging the heels in. It could be stopping an exchange where the other person wants their side heard too. Sometimes this can feel hurtful, but it may also be necessary to hear someone else out and consider their experience so you can collaborate on better ways to be with each other. 

Stop personal growth

We never stop learning, but fear gets in the way of how well we learn the lessons. It’s a myth that in old age we are just set in our ways and this is how it is. No, it’s just hard to see or do different. For example, kids learn languages much better earlier on. They catch on quicker. BUT adults can learn too. It just takes a bit longer and requires more patience.

Change is good and inevitable. Accepting who you are right now, while also knowing that change is continuously happening is key. Both of these exist at the same time. This is how it will be for our entire lives. We do not reach a moment where we go, “I’ve made it. I am now done changing and learning and growing”. Enjoy where you are now and accept continued evolution.

Maintain the fear response.

You are continuing on an unsustainable cycle. For frequent users of “This is just the way I am,” you are protecting yourself from hurt. You don’t want to feel less than or unworthy, so you stop it in its tracks. What is on the other side of that though is opportunity. It is an opportunity for closer, deeper relationships, and a you that you can feel proud of. Working on this can get you to a place where you can listen to feedback from others, consider it, and have it not shatter you. You can think, “Oh, maybe I did cause that other person hurt and I can work on it, AND that doesn’t make me a bad parent, partner or human”.

How to stop using “This is just the way I am”

Observe when you use it. 

When you feel the urge to respond with “This is just the way I am,” that can provide a lot of info. What comes before this? What has the other person said? Is there a pattern of when you say it?

Take time to reflect.

If you get this urge to use “This is just the way I am,” you are triggered by something and likely emotions are strong. Don’t feel the need to respond. Say, “I am going to take time out to think and calm down.” After you feel more calm, reflect on what you observed. What might it be like from their perspective? Was what they were saying something you are proud of? 

Share your willingness to adapt.

If you have acknowledged their experience, consider where you are at and what you are willing to do. Are you willing to apologise? Are you willing to continue thinking about it? Small or large, think about what’s next.

Get support.

Change is possible and hard. If the phrase “This is just the way I am,” feels familiar and this cuts deep, reach out. If not comfortable with the steps above, just start a conversation with a professional, like a counsellor, if you can. It is a space to work through everything that comes with this loaded phrase.

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.