Why telling men to “express their feelings” is not enough.
When we talk about men’s mental health and pressures of masculinity, we often come to the conclusion that they need to express their feelings. I truly believe in that conclusion, yet we can’t leave it at that.
Men expressing their feelings is more complicated than “just do it”, “share how you feel!”
In this post I want to explore why telling men to express their feelings isn’t enough, and how we can approach improving mental health for men in ways that considers the more complicated nature than typically presented.
Expressing how you feel is a behaviour that is not specific to one gender. We can say it more typically is seen with women, but much of this is due to living in a society that says women are allowed to care and show affection.
And frankly, if men and women are going to have relationships, we can’t have women be the only ones being expressive. From what I see as a therapist for men who have challenges in their relationships, their spouses end up taking on more emotional labour.
This means spouses ultimately take on more responsibility for maintaining emotional connection, monitoring and caring for their own emotional wellbeing AND their partners’, and leading and navigating conversations of emotions and health of the relationship.
That is A LOT to take on!
3 reasons why telling men to express their emotions is not enough:
“I don’t know what I feel”
Sometimes we just don’t get the emotional education we needed from our families or other important people growing up. We felt the physical sensations of the feeling, but it was never labelled ie. sad, frustrated, jealous, hopeful. This may be because parents or other important people:
Fail to identify and teach this because they were never taught it either
Discourage feelings because they’re uncomfortable with it or it is inconvenient. They don’t know what to do with them and they have their own stuff going on that makes it difficult to tune into yours.
Discourage feelings because they believe it is a moralistic failure. Big emotions are weakness or impolite. This is especially true for caregivers who hold idealistic views about men reserving emotions, and men presenting as stoic and “strong”.
Naturally, without seeing the expression of feeling by others and having help to label emotions, you can grow disconnected from them. The physical sensations that arise when feeling are not easily identified.
Men can also get really good at pushing away feelings automatically.
It is not even purposeful anymore, they just push it aside and create distance from it.
2. Name it.
Feel that in your body? Now what is that experience? Let’s name what that is.
Feelings Wheel. Google it! It is a wheel… duh, but it has names for emotions and similar ones that can help expand your vocabulary and give you new words for feelings that might fit your experience better.
For example, do you feel sad OR is it rejection, shame, disappointment, hurt, grief, loneliness, regret, agony, guilt, or powerlessness?
3. WHY are you feeling this?
You might know right away, or it could take time. Often this is what I do with clients in therapy. We work together to figure out what about their experiences elicited this type of emotion? I ask a bunch of questions and we both try to understand and make connections. Sometimes how we feel is hidden behind shame or guilt because we feel we should not feel a certain way or we have many emotions at the same time… because life and relationships are complicated. Example. When someone passes away you may feel grief and sadness AND relief.
4 Tips for how to express your feelings:
Try doing it alone.
Writing it down or talking out loud. Find a way to get the feelings and the expression of them out of your body. This is good for when you don't want or are not ready to share.
When expressing to others: What will give you more emotional safety right now?
Basically, what will make this less scary? Are there expectations that need to be set? How can they help? Is it saying…
“I feel weird sharing, but I need you to listen and understand even if you disagree”
“You may not understand, but I want you to try because I will do my best to explain what's going on in my head”
“Can you wait until I am done talking before you reply? This is helpful so I can get everything out without worrying that you’re focused on your response”
“What would be helpful is if when I am done sharing you say… ‘what I heard you say is…’. Having you ‘get it’ is most important right now”
3. Have patience for yourself and others.
You’re not going to get it right every time or ever.
Also, when telling someone else about how you feel, they will have a whole other set of emotions within them. They will not be perfect in their responses even when you ask for what you need. Obviously, there is a limit to the patience, but don’t write people off if they need time to understand what you are communicating. Are they trying? Because that's a good start.
4. Try to eliminate blaming statements if you express your emotions about a situation involving the other person.
For example, “You made me feel…”. Instead, saying “I feel… because..”. This looks like:
Example 1
“You made me pissed off because you never listen to anything I have to say.”
(Blaming, accusatory, black & white language - ‘never’, ‘always’)
VERSUS
“I feel angry because I want to know you have heard me and take my opinion into consideration too. It makes me feel dismissed and like you don’t care.”
(‘I’ statement, what need is not getting met?, further explanation of the feeling/experience).
Example 2
“You made me angry because you don’t understand what I’m going through and keep pushing and pushing me over the edge.”
(Blaming, assumption, blaming)
VERSUS
“I have been feeling really down lately. I know I have been explosive and I am so sorry for that. It is because I feel like I have no energy. What makes this more difficult is the guilt I feel for being this way then sensing that I am a burden to you. I want to know that you ‘get it.’”
(‘I’ statement, accountability, further explanation of feeling, identifying a need that is not getting met).
Men have feelings.
They may struggle with getting in touch with them because they have been programmed to ignore them or lock them or pretend they aren’t there, but they’re there. Men may also struggle to express their feelings AND men struggle to be vulnerable and express their feelings because there are barriers we don’t see, like the fact they might not have anyone or a safe person to turn to. For these reasons, telling men to just “express their feelings” is NOT enough.
I hope this post brings some insight into the more complicated nature of supporting men’s mental health. If you have some ideas as well, please share in the comments.
Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.