You’re in a disagreement with your partner. We’ve all been there. Many times there’s one person that wants to walk away (or does), and the other person who says we need to solve this now. Who is right?

We’ve all heard the advice “never go to bed angry” when it comes to getting in an argument with your partner, but I believe this is bad advice for most situations.

Gives you time to calm down

If you are in a disagreement with your partner and you are emotional: upset, frustrated, hurt, annoyed etc. and you feel yourself increasingly so, then you are not going to be very helpful at this moment. You may be someone who has skills to take a moment to calm yourself, but if you’re not or you are having difficulty finding a way to be calm right now, then stop. When emotions are very strong and overwhelming, it is difficult to think clearly. You could end up saying something hurtful or just not have the capacity to problem-solve. That is okay. Stepping away from a conversation that is overwhelming and not resolving can give you time to calm down and come back later thinking more clearly.

Resolution is not on the horizon

When in a disagreement we can end up going around and around and around seemingly never coming to a different conclusion. If you are at the place that both of you have repeated yourselves and are badgering to get the other person to understand your perspective then it’s a sign that resolution is not near. Hours of back-and-forth is exhausting and likely not helpful. Who said talking about the relationship or a particular problem needed to be compete all in one sitting? Take a break, take a step back.

Time can give clarity

Take time to re-group. Sometimes we don’t know how we feel and need time to process our true feelings and thoughts. As just said, strong emotions can cloud our ability to think things through. This does not mean that feelings are not important. We want to find a balance between how you're feeling about something, and our logical/thinking part.

Acting with purpose

When you go to bed angry you have time to get calm and gain clarity. Then this allows you to go into the next conversation with purpose. And yes, if the topic of disagreement is important to one or both of you, then you should come back to it. You get to go into the conversation knowing better what you are looking for; For example: to apologise, give an apology, hear each other out, problem-solve, or offer solutions to prevent further disagreements. When you are more calm you also have the ability to have emotional capacities for your partner you couldn’t before. Meaning, in this conversation you can monitor and express your own feelings, and keep in mind your partner’s. When more calm you can more easily have the mindset of “we’re on the same team,” rather than “this is a battle I am going to win”.

When can going to bed angry be a bad thing (sort of)?

Disrupts sleep

It’s already been said, but being upset doesn’t make for a restful slumber. This doesn’t mean you need to go back to your partner and say “let’s finish this”. It could mean finding other ways to get more calm before trying to sleep. Everyone does this differently. This could be going to walk the dog, eating your favourite snack, throwing cold water on your face, or taking deep long breaths. For more tips read ‘How to calm down when already angry’.

You still wake up angry

You may feel more angry because you’re still ruminating about the stuff that made you so mad in that conversation with your partner. This doesn’t mean you should have stayed in the argument, but it means sleeping on it wasn’t enough for you. There’s more work you need to do before talking again. You still need to go through the steps of calming down and asking yourself the important questions that we discussed above.

Also consider: You don’t always have to come back to the conversation. 

Sometimes we are hangry, or you understand that it was not as big of a deal as initially thought. You and your partner may find reconnection by acknowledging the argument that got too heated in different ways in this case. It may be as simple as giving each other a hug the next day without words or making their morning coffee. Just remember that it is not solely your decision to decipher between when to let go and when another conversation is needed. You may be okay with putting the disagreement in the past and your partner is not, or vice versa. So it is important to speak up if you are the person who needs more or check in with them when you sense something’s still off. 

Disclaimer: This is meant to be general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. An important example of an exception would be in situations of domestic violence and abusive relationships. Please seek out psychotherapy or counselling for guidance specific to you.