To suffer in silence means to be alone in your pain. It means for one reason or another you are silent about what you are feeling inside; You are not speaking up about the suffering.

Why do I suffer in silence, you ask? A likely reason is the messaging we receive about emotions, which is what I want to share with you. I bet you can relate to this:

We have experiences or explicit messages, meaning someone told us outright about emotion.

• An example of an explicit message is Dad telling you that “boys don’t cry”.

  • Dad is letting you know that crying is not an appropriate response for you as a boy or man.

These messages / lessons about emotions you received from caregivers may have been further reinforced by other people around you, your community, society, and culture.

Talking about emotions is…

• Uncomfortable for others

• If I say what I am feeling out loud, especially if the other person is connected to what caused my feelings, then I will create discomfort. I might even cause conflict or chaos that will make it worse.

• A burden on them / not others problem

• Saying my feelings out loud is selfish. My feelings are not their problem and will only cause them grief and stress.

• Inappropriate and inconvenient

• Talking about big emotions is unwanted by others and can even be rude. It’s a social faux pas.

• A way to get attention / complain

• Talking about my big feelings means I am a whiner. It’s a means of attention, which is not a good look.

Now, you may look at some of these messages and interpretations and think, well these aren’t so bad? Independence, woohoo!

Here is why these messages about emotion management are not so great:

When we learn that emotions are weak or inconvenient to others etc., we feel shame if we let them out. Our self-worth takes a hit even though we are having very normal feelings.

Emotions are signs of what is going on internally, and if we keep them contained and don’t understand why they exist, our lives take a hit. Our relationships surely will fail because real healthy connection relies on vulnerability (and leaning on each other!). It relies on your ability to also sit with others feelings. 

The messaging I shared above does not allow one to thrive, and to have good mental health and happy relationships.

Unhelpful messaging you have received about emotions is not your fault, but it definitely has contributed to an instinct to suffer in silence. Not only have you learned to keep everything inside, you may not even understand really what IS going on inside.

Take some steps:

• Send the letter you wrote about your experience to your loved one or read it out loud to them.

• Have a conversation with a trusted person. Start by setting expectations/giving context that can ease the discomfort. For example:

• I am really uncomfortable talking about this.

• You don’t have to fix anything. I just need to get this out.

• Thank you for listening.

• I may not explain this all right, but I just want you to listen.

• Your advice is welcome. I’m not sure what to do.

• Join a group; hobby (ex. sports, book club), common struggle (ex. new dads, addiction)

• See a therapist. It’s a therapist’s job to listen and try to understand. It’s a hard step to take, but worth it when you sort through the difficult feelings you’re afraid to tell loved ones.

If your suffering ever takes a turn for the worse. Remember you are not alone. Others have been there before and made it through.

Please seek out your mental health or medical provider. At the very least speak to someone in your life about what is going on and how you are feeling.

There are many options for crisis lines if having thoughts of suicide. Please consider:

• Talk Suicide Canada 1-833-456-4566 Open 24.7 or text 45645 4pm-midnight ET

• Hope For Wellness Helpline (for Indigenous folks): 1-855-242-3310 Open 24.7

• Your local crisis line. For Crisis Response Services (Canadian Mental Health Association) in Thunder Bay 807-346-8282 | District/Toll Free: 1-888-269-3100 or Kenora/Rainy River Region: 1-866-888-8988    

If are feeling like you may hurt yourself or try suicide, please contact your local emergency number or 911.

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.