Others may disagree, but I am a big believer in leaving the situation when you're angry and you want to avoid making anger worse. Basically, you want to stop yourself from acting on what your angry thoughts are telling you to do. When overwhelmed with anger though, and when we are still learning other ways to calm ourselves, leaving is the best option. What happens when we can’t leave though? I want to give you some tips on how to avoid making anger worse when you can’t leave the situation.

The best skill to avoid making anger worse in situations where you can’t leave is the STOP skill. Try this when you’re:

• With others, like kids

• In a vehicle, subway etc.

• At work

Step #2 - Take a moment

Give yourself a minute! Your anger wants you to act. The emotion of anger actually gives you energy to act because your body is giving the signal to run away or protect. 

Instead, you are going to take a deep breath and try to shift focus. This can look like:

Reminder:

Your mind is going to wander no matter what and that is perfectly normal. Just keep bringing your attention back to whatever focus you chose. 

For example, if drinking a bubbly drink: What is the sensation like? Is it sweet or bitter? Cold or warm? Notice the sensation after you swallow. 

This is a way to bring your attention to the moment, but on something else other than your anger. Focusing on anger can escalate the intensity of it. So giving yourself time to focus on ANYTHING else can allow your anger to not get worse.

Obviously, what you choose to focus on is going to vary depending on the situation. For example, please don’t close your eyes and visualise while driving. Try to decide a few things you prefer to focus on and practice when calm, so you can better remember when in a situation where you can’t leave.

In the situation where you can’t leave and you don’t want to make your anger or the situation worse, you may not be able to get to the point where you proceed even. You might be really angry and thinking your way through this is not working. Keep shifting your focus so your body can continue to calm, it can take some time. 

In the meantime though, don’t feel the need to act. You can keep taking deep breaths, wait for the anger to subside or until you can leave the situation. This can be aggravating if you are with someone who wants to communicate with you. For those working on anger management, try some future planning.

This looks like telling your loved one:

“When I get really angry, I might not be able to respond to you. It is not because I don’t want to hear you or want to disrespect you. It is actually the opposite. I am trying to not make things worse. Sometimes I will have to leave or be quiet in order to gather myself again and calm down.”

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.