One of the key components of anger management is identifying: Is my anger based on the facts of the situation or am I responding with anger because I have assumed some things I don’t yet know to be true (or aren't true at all)?.

In other words…

For instance, imagine the same scenario as above where your friend was late picking you up from the airport. Your friend later tells you “I didn’t think it would be a big deal to do a few errands before picking you up and thought you could wait” or “I forgot”.

In these scenarios we have more information and you have determined that an angry reaction makes sense for you. Them not picking you up and why it happened makes you mad.

As a therapist who specializes in anger management, here are some ways I might proceed when my anger is justified:

I have just the thing to get you started. Here is my previous post on: How to calm down when already angry.

Example answers might look like:

My emotional response is:

Anger.

I also feel:

Frustrated, annoyed, insecure, hurt, disappointed, confused, sad.

My thoughts are: 

• This isn’t what friends do.

• I can’t believe they would make me wait around for so long.

• Am I the problem?

• Why can’t I ever have someone in my life I can rely on?

• I can’t believe they would do this to me.

• I really thought they were a friend.

• How did I not see this coming?

• They don’t even care.

Understanding our emotional experiences, in this case anger, allows us to know ourselves much better. Luckily, practice with this stuff means we get faster at understanding: why am I feeling this way?, which means we can then make balanced decisions more quickly and be much more resilient.

When we don’t understand important and intense emotional experiences, that’s when it goes unresolved to simmer underneath. We then repeat the same patterns, making ourselves feel stuck.

If the answer is less than two yeses, then it may mean “letting it go” to be a better option.

Remember, letting something “go” does not mean you ignore or push away feelings. You still got to feel the feeling, in other words ‘ride it out’.

Letting it go in this sense means I don’t need to involve the other person that I think incited the anger. So what can you do? (See the “reduce feelings of anger” section below).

Tips for communicating your hurt:

• Set an expectation for what you need in the conversation. This is helpful when you and the other person tend to fall into defensiveness.

  • Try: “It would be helpful if you waited until I finished telling you about my experience and why I am angry, before you jump in.” 

• Avoid assumptive language

  • For example: “You did this because…” or “You don’t care about my feelings”

• Instead, try to talk about the facts of their behaviour and how it impacted you.

  • For example: “I feel hurt because I was relying on you to pick me up. When you decided what was okay [delaying picking me up and doing errands instead] without seeing if it was okay for me, I felt my feelings and what I wanted were disregarded. I was really disappointed”

Shifting perspectives

• Maybe this is for the best. This situation gave me information about the relationship that I needed to know.

• I can see that their intention was not to cause harm. I can forgive them for that, even if the status of our relationship has changed.

Allow yourself to be upset.

Sit with it. Don’t cling to it, just allow the anger to exist for as long as your body feels it necessary, like a passing cloud.

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.