You want the confidence you show on the outside to match your insides.

Others see this cool, confident person. Like nothing bothers you much, like you know exactly what you’re doing. They see this happy, joking person. This attracts others to you. It attracted your spouse.

It’s not until someone gets really close to you that they see how hard you are on yourself. Because of this you’re used to keeping people at a distance so they can’t see the cracks.

You’re not even sure anyone knows the real you.

They don’t know that things bother you, actually REALLY bother you. Like you can’t let something go that others might see as not a big deal. You just keep thinking about it and going over an interaction you had a week ago.

It’s also really really hard to say when you’ve done wrong. Like you get choked up, and just hope it goes away instead.

Admitting you’ve said or did the wrong thing would only show the cracks.

It’s confusing. You show confidence on the outside, but you know you don’t feel it on the inside most of the time. This doesn’t mean you don’t have it. For example, you can be confident in the work you do career-wise, but still not feel good about yourself overall. This means you have confidence in your skill, but low self esteem. Everyone has some form of this, even if it comes up only once in a while.

What you’re seeing though is that nothing ever feels good enough, and you don’t feel good enough.

You can see that you have these wonderful things going on for you, whether that’s your job, kids, spouse, or hobby. You should feel good and grateful. But you don’t. And you don’t know how to let your guard down to get it out.

You want your confident self that everyone sees to match your insides.

It can also be from lack of support and communication from others in your early life, which left you trying to make sense of the world on your own.

Unfortunately, not getting that validation and sense or surety leaves you always searching for how to do better and be better, but the urgency never goes away. It never feels good enough.

Oh, and also living in a society that prioritises men being competitive and “successful” over building their ability to regulate their emotions and build relationships. OF COURSE it never feels good enough!

So, start with: learning about what those conversations in your head are saying and why. What’s underneath? Let’s figure out why you recoil from a compliment or never feel grateful. This doesn’t come out of nowhere. There are roots to the ways we see ourselves and we can dig a little deeper.

This negative talk is automatic. SO try talking back. There’s another part of you that can recognize the negative talk for what it is. That part of you CAN see the good things you do or the parts of your personality that others seem to like too.

Remind yourself of those parts and practice compassion for the parts that are still hurt and scared.

Stop pretending.

There are people in your life who love you, but if you keep pretending like everything is ok and stuffing things down and avoiding their pleas for conversations about what’s going on with you, you will only become more distant.

One of the greatest connectors in relationships is sharing something important or personal.

This is it. You can learn to bring someone(s) in to the know about your low confidence and feel okay about it. It’s okay to lean on someone else sometimes.

“It would feel good for you to just listen”

(aka this is what I need from you right now)

“I always feel like what I do isn’t good enough, that I’m not good enough. I think I’ve always felt this way. It’s hard to take a compliment or be happy when things are going right. It makes me fearful I’ll lose you and everything else.”

(Narrating the difficult experience)

“Please know you can’t fix this or solve this, but just having you know this will help. Maybe it will help you understand me better and why I react the way I do sometimes. Actually, just having you be here and in this relationship is helpful for me.”

(Expectations, wants and needs)

Now try this out in your own words. Imagine what this would sound like when talking to your spouse or friend.

Also, a reminder that having intimate, deep, and close relationships with others that feel safe, helps you in feeling good and secure within yourself.

Thank you for reading about tips for building self esteem. If you have any tips you add that would be helpful for others to know, please share in the comments.

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.