You’re here, likely wondering, “how do you deal with resentment in relationships?” I first want to share my experience with resentment with you. Maybe you can relate and this will help you understand this feeling a bit better.

I realized I wouldn’t be resentful if it didn’t matter. Things that don’t matter go unnoticed and don’t usually latch on otherwise.

I may not want it to matter or not want to care. I may think caring beyond a certain timeline is sad or silly, as if feelings have an standard expiry date.

It is unfair and I am bitter.

Instead I see the unfairness that my backpack is invisible, sometimes by my making, and bitterness ensues.

When acknowledgement does not come despite efforts, I must stop waiting and create acknowledgement myself.

It is not my first choice, but provides some freedom from the tether of resentment nonetheless.

My conclusion is to embody the importance of myself, my words and my experiences, knowing that relying on outside validation has its limits.

Recognition is to be strived for in relationships, and the meaningfulness of my experience does not have to be dismissed because another dismissed it.

Stuckness

It is difficult to move forward with the various parts of a relationship when resentment or resentments are holding you in place. How can I have fun with you, be intimate with you, and care for you in various ways (and allow you to care for me) when there’s this thing that has not been acknowledged to gravity it needs to be in our relationship?

Disconnection

Resentment can be like a tether pulling you back.

It is hard to remain connected to your spouse when you’re carrying the weight of the resentment.

Resentment is always in the room with you. This means your ability to be vulnerable with your spouse is stifled. Vulnerability is the crux of connection.

Know the significance.

Next, the most important thing to ask yourself is: How meaningful is this resentment to me?

This means: the thing that I am resentful about, is it significant to me? This is key because something that would be insignificant to one person is significant to someone else. So there is not one answer to: Should I be resentful over this?

Also ask yourself:

Is the thing I am resentful about telling of a larger issue that would be important to the health of my relationship to address?

2. Feel it.

After you acknowledge it, allow yourself to feel it. Feelings are like waves, let it run its course. Sometimes it’s even helpful to imagine it just like that. 

Turn off the phone and distractions, take some breaths, and let yourself feel it, whatever it is: disappointment, rejection, sadness etc.

How to cope when you decide the resentment is worth addressing:

Sometimes we don’t want to bring up something because it has been brought up before. 

Remember that if you or your spouse is bringing something up again it is because it is still important and unresolved for them. It is still present.

My problem is our problem.

Their problem is our problem.

&

Just because they wouldn’t get upset over something, doesn’t make me getting upset over something not valid.

We are different people with different experiences.

These are important to remember when approaching a conversation about resentment in a relationship.

Final thoughts about resentment in relationships.

My hope is you find something here about resentment in relationships that hit home, something that made you feel seen.

Resentment is tough and it’s heavy.

The more we can share with our spouse and have them receive it with open arms (and do the same for them) the more those feelings of connection can remain strong.

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.