Let’s talk about men's loneliness. Everyone seems to be experiencing increased loneliness in the last few years, there's no doubt. The pandemic took a toll on our routines and practices that connected us to others, as well as affected mental wellness. I am going to speak about the specific experiences of men’s loneliness here though because this seems to be unique and vast.

The more I am disconnected, the more I feel disconnection is inevitable and irreparable. 

I feel unseen and misunderstood.

We don’t praise men in those ways.

We don't encourage men as often as boys to be nurturing, affectionate, considerate, and talk about vulnerable stuff.

Being vulnerable with a trusted person by talking about your thoughts and feelings builds a deep relational connection. Women practise this because they’re more safe to do so. For a boy or man to do the same would might expose them to judgement and risk ridicule, which as a young person is everything. Belonging is the priority.

Men learn how to exist in the world that will bring them acceptance. So naturally, they might be more likely to build skills in other areas and value other things, like achievement and self-sufficiency. They bring these lessons into adulthood where yes they build relationships, but they are primed to struggle in circumstances where relationships require more fervent effort.

In my experience I see men being more opportunistic with relationships, growing friendships from common interests where they happen to come upon others.

They may not be direct about relational building and deepening, so when something like a pandemic hits and in-person activity is taken away it shakes the norm of how they maintain connection.

Reaching out to chat through text or phone or video is uncomfortable (and vulnerable!).

Men, remember that being a man in this world has influenced you to not ask for help.

You were trained to not be “needy” because that means you are weak and can’t cut it, right? This is an old trope that we have to let go of. Strength is about asking for help and saying:

“Hey, I need to lean on you for a minute so I can catch my breath.”

Suffering in silence has to go.

You were programmed this way. Relationships are about risk though. Most people will be glad to connect and build a relationship with you, wouldn’t you if the situation was reversed?

Know that when someone doesn’t want that, it simply means your emotional energy and care is needed elsewhere; move it along to the next one.

• Trying not to judge, but rather understand.

  • Try: “So when this happened, you felt [insert feeling]? Can you help me understand that a little better?” rather than “Why would you feel that way? That doesn’t make sense.”

• Take responsibility for your part (even if small).

  • Example, “Raising my voice probably wasn't helpful there.”

• Validate even if you don’t agree. It’s like putting yourself in their shoes.

  • Example, “I can see how you feel that way”

• Be curious about how they might have come to those conclusions.

  • Example, “Where did you learn that?” or “Have you always felt this way?”

• Reflect back what they are saying so you know you are understanding accurately.

  • Example, “If I’m understanding correctly, it feels like [this] because of [this]”

• Practice empathy.

  • Example, “That sounds tough” or “I’m sorry you went through that”

• Encourage lightly.

  • Example, “You can talk about whatever you’re comfortable with. I’m just listening right now” or “I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk”

• Identify small efforts.

  • Example, “I’m happy you had this conversation with me. I know it was difficult. I hope we can continue to do this.”

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.