You want so badly to just get along and have more ease in your relationship with your spouse. You find yourself repeatedly angry however, and managing anger in your relationship feels impossible. Let’s take a look at how anger might manifest in your relationship and 3 ways you can address it.

You might see extreme thinking when angry. This would look like:

• Blaming; “It’s your fault”

• All or nothing; “I’m always the bad guy”

• Mind reading; “You did this because…”

• Judgement; “You’re a bad person”

You might see yourself acting on what I call “anger urges”. In other words, you’re acting on impulse. This is where we might see:

• Yelling

• Running away

• Abusive language or touch

• Sarcasm

• Silent treatment

All of this to say: the way you are managing anger in your relationship is causing disconnection. You feel disconnected from your partner.

The goal whenever you are angry and upset about something in your relationship is to be able to address it with them, which hopefully leads to a repair. Repair is just another word for re-connecting, which is the ultimate goal.

We can sometimes feel very slighted and angry about something without considering intention or circumstances. 

Our emotional experience is super important, but what is also important in our relationship is empathy, curiosity, and understanding on both sides. So why is it they did that thing?

You may still come out of that self-reflection with: “I have a good reason to be angry,” but expanding our view of the situation can certainly help lessen strong feelings of anger OR give us a better understanding of how to problem-solve with them.

Example:

I got home from work and my spouse left suddenly saying they had dinner with friends.

What could be upsetting about this? Below are 3 possible answers. Notice that I have pointed out what part of their spouse’s action or inaction was upsetting and caused them to feel anger. As well, the sensitive spot or deeper wound it hit, and the unmet need or desire (what was missing for them?):

This example could be upsetting because:

• Their spouse is taking time for their friends, but they would like to spend more time with their spouse too. (specific, unmet need or desire)

• This can cause some fear of being replaceable or unimportant. (sensitive spot)

…………………………………

• They’re exhausted and now left to watch the kids on their own. (specific)

• They feel like they were not considered in their spouse’s decision-making, like what they need doesn’t matter. (sensitive spot)

• They would want them to give more notice about plans or acknowledge that they know it’s difficult to parent while tired. (unmet need or desire)

…………………………………

• Their spouse left with little acknowledgement towards them. (specific)

• They hoped they would give them a hug or kiss, or have said something. (unmet need or desire)

• This feeling goes along with the other moments in their relationship where they have felt like a low priority, unwanted, or invisible. (sensitive spot)

…………………………………

3. Addressing anger

I have gotten the question: When do I address it with my spouse and when do I let it go? For that I’ll direct you towards my blog: Resentment in Relationships, which speaks to this.

Once you have clarified your emotional experience, and decided it is something important enough to address, it’s time to share it with them.

…………………………………

Approach as a team. We can easily fall into defending our negative experience as individuals, rather than thinking: “We are a team. Let’s solve this problem together.” It can sometimes be helpful to think about it as a relationship problem, not a you problem. How can we stay more connected?

• Sometimes our spouse may not think that our anger is valid. It is important to remember that just because it is upsetting for you, it may not be upsetting for them in the same situation (and vice versa). Instead of going into defense mode, try:

  • “I totally get that this wouldn't be upsetting for you. Sometimes I feel that way too. For me this experience made me angry and I think that’s important. I want to talk about it with you, rather than get resentful. This is what I would hope for right now [insert need ex. understanding or acknowledgement, or a change in behaviour].

• Adjust your language. Instead of “You did this and need to do this better”, which is blamey and critical, try,

  • “This [behaviour] made me feel [feeling] because [give them that clarified experience]. I would like [what you hope to expect or would have wanted].

Disclaimer: This is general advice. Like all self-help information, it is not personal and tailored to fit for all people and situations. This content should not be taken as a substitute for individual mental health or relationship support.